Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I got pregnant, unplanned, at 21 whilst still living with my parents. My partner (who I’d actually only been with for a couple of months) had his own house (rented) but not suitable for a child to live in. We put a deposit down on a cheap new build as it’s all we could afford and moved in 9 months later. 4 of those months included living with my parents, and the baby for part of it (which they loved). Fast-forward 6 years and we have quadrupled our salaries and have another baby.

My parents would have NEVER told me terminate the pregnancy because they didn’t want me to live with them nor would they have told me I couldn’t live there, what an awful thing to do, throwing out your own child and baby grandchild. Fair enough if your daughter is 14 and still in school but I’m sure they will make it work for themselves! And they will remember how you reacted.

Me and brother would love to have given grandchildren to our parents - just not to be.

I think I would feel exactly.the same as you. Your daughter is being very entitled.

Oh gosh I would feel the exact same OP. Mine are 22 and 21 and like you I have on here since I was pregnant with my eldest. Neither are at home now and quite frankly I am so so enjoying life and having so much time and freedom back. I would have to support them like no doubt you will but I would not be overjoyed at their lack of plans to be independent.

What have they said they are planning to do?

If the boyfriend is self employed, he’ll need to get a part time employed job evenings and weekends and your daughter might also need to get an extra job too to pass the landlord affordability checks.

Their priority right now needs to be securing a home for their family. You can hopefully give them a leg up by helping them with the rental deposit - usually 5 weeks rent.

You need to set expectations. I would be asking them where they plan to live, how they’re going to pay for everything they and their baby needs. They need to understand that although you will enjoy a reasonable amount of GP ‘duties’, you won’t be housing them and doing every day care.

Maybe your daughter will re think going through with the pregnancy when real life is presented to her.Or they’ll both have to get their shit together and work out how they’re going to do this.

How very dare she get pregnant lol.

She can get pregnant. In her own house.
OP deserves child free space and time with her husband, don"t you think?

Are you able to help them with buying somewhere? Or help with deposits etc for renting?
If not, help with getting on the council housing register. It sounds like she’s going to need some support if they haven’t any meaningful income.

So she will be raising the child in her own home?

I would of asked them what’s their plans on moving out, not fair of them to move in with you and have a baby!

@FirstNight oh no OP, that would be my worst nightmare! I really do hope to have a ten year gap from when my youngest turns 18 in 3 years time.

I have no advice for you, except maybe run away - you and DH go away travelling for a year once your mortgage is paid? Tell them they must be moved out by the time you’re back.

Council housing register. Does that word even exist.
Do you know how many other people need accommodation? Loads.

I think they need to move now without disclosing the pregnancy to a landlord, rather than move in with you, if you are able to, help them to do this (financially), once she is on maternity allowance, with him newly self employed they're going to really struggle to rent anywhere

And?
People are different and thinking that carrying on the pregnancy is not ideal is a perfectly valid opinion.

In contrast to you, decades ago I was 23 and had an unplanned pregnancy with my boyfriend whom I later married. We both had good jobs, but were renting, no savings so couldn't buy. I decided not to continue with the pregnancy and had an abortion because we only wanted to have children when we were in the circumstances we could give a child the best we could.

I never regretted it and several years later, when our circumstances were much improved we had 2 children.

I’d be gutted you’ll be saddled with them. your house won’t be your own
disturbed nights and there friends and family round
your home won’t be your own

I wouldn’t want my dc to start their parenting journey in my home. I think new parents need space and the responsibility of being in it as a couple. In your shoes I’d do whatever required to help them set up their own home (maybe being a guarantor?)

I have 2 SILs who are living with inlaws in their 30s. One was renting when she had her baby but moved back in with inlaws when baby was 22. She isnt saving any money living with inlaws (in detroit) so unlikely to be able to move out..another SIL has gotten pregnant while living with inlaws and recently married but she is living in netherlands and there are literally 200 applicants per apartment. Not a great chance.

The only reason dh and i are not in that position is because we lived with his mum in our 20s, saved up 58k in 3 years and bought a flat in london. Our mortgage is 1252 (fixed until 2031) which is the cost of a room rental in London. Dh had a vasectomy when i was 6 months pregnant so we wouldnt need to move (2 bedrooms). Cant expect everyone to be like us. Based on our family there is a nearly 100% chance of 3 generation family setups as the young ones cant afford to move out.

I would ask how they have planned for the baby since you might sell your place to move to another city. Might.

Exactly this is an awful thread.
It's clinical and cold and business like

No support for the daughter. No love, no excitement at having a grandchild.
Loads of people would love that.
Sounds like we are in the 1950s reading this.

I still remember those early days...well 2yrs if I'm honest when I really didn't know what I was doing. Walking the streets with my firstborn. My mum visiting once a week. Here I am potentially a bedroom door away...how will I stop myself going to help?

Term time...yes once child in school DD life will be easier and more manageable.

Funds to help...we not in a position to fund rent/deposits unfortunately. Also although mortgage is paid, I need full time work for at least next 7 years to make up for my reduced working years when my 3 were young so the pension can be taken out at 60.

Boundaries.... yes we've been laying this today alongside the practical questions around midwife appointments . I think i will speak to hubby about the Boundaries of having them settled somewhere close by before bubba arrives.

Saddled with your own daughter get a grip. You sound fun.

Nothing should be changing in their housing arrangement. You agreed to give them six months to save while they live with you. You could honour that and during those 6 months they find their own place to move into. They will want to move out before the baby is born so that will give them the momentum to find somewhere suitable.

I absolutely love my DCs and DGC but there is no way, unless there was a huge problem, that I would have them living with DH and I now.

Don't give them a chance to expect to live with you for longer. Nip it in the bud now.

If everyone waited for the right time to have a baby, nobody would ever have one.

Personally, I would be delighted if my kids gave me grandchildren, at any age. However, I totally understand how you feel and I think you are totally within your rights not to be offering long term accommodation for your child and her child.

It used to be very common for couples to start married life living with in-laws! My parents did it!

But it should be temporary and I think it is right to make it clear to your adult child, she needs to find a place to live in the long term.