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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

641 replies

FirstNight · 22/03/2026 19:43

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

OP posts:
LovingLivingLife · 22/03/2026 19:45

I'm sorry that sounds tough!
Would you be in a position to suggest helping them with a deposit for a new place instead of moving in with you?

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 22/03/2026 19:47

Why will it take her 6 years to get a term time job? Why will she only get Mat Allowance?

PullTheBricksDown · 22/03/2026 19:49

Are they living with you now? When was the 6 months supposed to run from and to? I would emphasise how much better it'll be for them to have their own place as a family. They can't be planning years with you, surely?

Norugratsatall · 22/03/2026 19:50

Ah OP, I think this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to the news. No advice but I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. I would set boundaries and expectations from the off as to how much childcare you are expected to do. I’m sure you’ll feel more excited as the pregnancy progresses. Good luck and congratulations!

RandomMess · 22/03/2026 19:50

Perhaps time to suggest they look at housing associations and council housing lists. I think you do need to make it clear that you are not thrilled about having a baby in your house full time.

bootle96 · 22/03/2026 19:52

It doesn’t sound like you’re not excited about having a grand child, just that you don’t want a baby/toddler living with you. That’s completely understandable. Your DD is an adult and has made the adult decision to become a parent. You can tell her that you are not willing to allow her to live with you when the baby is born. I understand that is difficult and will be hard for them. But they need to come up with a plan for where to live now. They surely can’t have assumed they could live with you indefinitely?

hollytheheroic · 22/03/2026 19:52

Well it's not ideal. But can you reframe it as a positive thing, it sounds like your dd has a career (teacher?) and you have the benefit of getting to know your grandchild from a baby, a lot of people don't have that closeness.

Mix56 · 22/03/2026 19:54

Tell them they’ll need to find their own accommodation before the baby arrives.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2026 19:55

I wouldn't allow them to move in. If you do you will end up being responsible for round the clock babysitting and being a general dogsbody. How selfish of them to think they can stay with you.

YellowDuck1 · 22/03/2026 19:55

PullTheBricksDown · 22/03/2026 19:49

Are they living with you now? When was the 6 months supposed to run from and to? I would emphasise how much better it'll be for them to have their own place as a family. They can't be planning years with you, surely?

I think OP means the term time will work well for her daughter when the baby starts school in approx 6 years time but until then isn’t great due to poor maternity pay (how I interpret)

permanently · 22/03/2026 19:56

Do they really think it’s okay to live with you as they become parents? Surely not

MrsClattenburg · 22/03/2026 19:57

Can you tell them that it's still fine for them to stay with you for 6 months but they need to be in their own place by the time the baby is born. That gives them 6 months to save/find a rental/get on a social housing list.

That way you don't have to say you're not happy and apprehensive but are firmly acknowledging if they're old enough to have a baby, they're old enough to sort themselves out.

Happytaytos · 22/03/2026 19:58

Luckily the early days don't require much stuff, pushchair can live in their car, cot, some clothes can live in their room. Bfing doesn't need much stuff (unless pumping too) and nappies are small at that age.

I would set a very hard deadline by which they have to move out and put a rent increase in place to reflect the deadline. Make sure it is before the baby will be six months old. You need to be so clear they aren't welcome after that date and stick to it.

You can give it a few days for the dust to settle now, be congratulatory etc. Then sit down for a chat about them moving in and lay out your T&Cs.

Ccgag · 22/03/2026 19:58

I mean yanbu, but your dd will really need your support. They are very young.

teamaven · 22/03/2026 19:58

Viviennemary · 22/03/2026 19:55

I wouldn't allow them to move in. If you do you will end up being responsible for round the clock babysitting and being a general dogsbody. How selfish of them to think they can stay with you.

Are your children no contact with you? If so I’m not surprised 🤢

ExOptimist · 22/03/2026 19:58

Ridiculous of them to continue with the pregnancy when they're so young, have no accomodation of their own and jobs that don't sound great.

Why didn't they wait till they were properly secure before bringing a child into the world? Is your daughter determined to continue with it?

To me it sounds like you're not delighted with the circumstances in which you're becoming a grandparent and I'd agree that it's very far from ideal. I'm sure if it was a decade down the line you'd be very happy.

I'd make it very clear that living with you has to be temporary and they need to find their own place. If they think they're ready for a baby then they're ready not to rely on parents to house them.

gamerchick · 22/03/2026 19:58

You need to have the conversation that they need to be settled somewhere before the baby is born or they'll have to sort something now

Personally they've changed the deal, they can't move in with you.

PollyBell · 22/03/2026 19:59

hollytheheroic · 22/03/2026 19:52

Well it's not ideal. But can you reframe it as a positive thing, it sounds like your dd has a career (teacher?) and you have the benefit of getting to know your grandchild from a baby, a lot of people don't have that closeness.

Closeness should not be code for free childcare is this all grandparents are allowed to care for everybody?

nixon1976 · 22/03/2026 20:00

Can you just use your voice? That’s wonderful news darling and your six months with us will be up three months before the baby is born so give yourself plenty of time to find the right flat and move in in plenty of time. There’s no need at all to change your arrangement now there is a baby on the horizon - you are giving them a massive six months rent free to get on top of things.

Jellybunny98 · 22/03/2026 20:01

Honestly OP I think the way you feel is totally normal given the circumstances. My parents were really happy when I fell pregnant with my first baby but we were married, stable jobs, home owners, baby was planned etc, I know they wouldn’t have felt the same way if I was still living at home, no real money/plan/stability and I wouldn’t have blamed them at all. I have a friend who had a baby before moving out etc and I do think it blurs the line between grandparents and just parents again, it’s not the same relationship and I don’t think it works particularly well. My mum always says one of the best things about being a grandparent is that you get the best bits without the hard bits, that just isn’t the same if you’re all living under the same roof.

I would speak to her/them about it, their expectations and yours. It may be that they plan to knuckle down and get moved out before baby arrives, I hope that is the case.

Sometimeswinning · 22/03/2026 20:01

PollyBell · 22/03/2026 19:59

Closeness should not be code for free childcare is this all grandparents are allowed to care for everybody?

Edited
Show quote history

Family should be. We’ve lost that.

Netcurtainnelly · 22/03/2026 20:02

Happytaytos · 22/03/2026 19:58

Luckily the early days don't require much stuff, pushchair can live in their car, cot, some clothes can live in their room. Bfing doesn't need much stuff (unless pumping too) and nappies are small at that age.

I would set a very hard deadline by which they have to move out and put a rent increase in place to reflect the deadline. Make sure it is before the baby will be six months old. You need to be so clear they aren't welcome after that date and stick to it.

You can give it a few days for the dust to settle now, be congratulatory etc. Then sit down for a chat about them moving in and lay out your T&Cs.

Bloody hell sounds like a business meeting

BeeCucumber · 22/03/2026 20:03

How incredibly selfish of them to have a baby - knowing they will be evicted and giving up full time employment - and expecting you to pick up the slack. I would be furious if any of my DC did this. I have no advise to offer but what ever happens, there will be tears.

Pineapplewaves · 22/03/2026 20:03

How will they be able to save up for six months for a new place when they will need to save up for the baby now? How will they be able to take on a new tenancy when DD will only be getting maternity pay for nine months. Her partner will not be able to prove he has a reliable source of income if he has just become self employed…

As they haven’t moved in yet, I would be telling them that the baby changes everything and they need to find somewhere else to live and get themselves sorted out now - otherwise they’ll move in and not leave. What do they need to save up for anyway, they just need a deposit and references surely? DD’s partner may have to forget about being self employed and get a proper job with a guaranteed income, having a baby is not the time to try something new. He needs to step up and provide for his family now.

Be prepared for them not to be happy about your change of mind though.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/03/2026 20:03

Your post isn’t clear whether they are actually living with you yet? You mention the plan is still to move in with you suggesting that may not yet have happened?

I don’t think they are in a position to have a baby if they are relying on living in your house to do so.

If they had asked if they could do this presumably you’d have said no!