Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

OP I was in a very similar position 2.5 years ago. I was furious however the baby was born and that first year was one of the best of my life. He’s now a fabulous little toddler, not living with me anymore and I cherish those memories.

Exactly! She’s old enough to make that decision and she has to weigh up the practicalities of that decision, not just expect everyone else to help

If the OP is talking about getting her pension at 60 then it must be a private pension, as state retirement age, when you start to get state pension, is 67. For the state pension you automatically get credited with NI for the years you get child benefit up to age 12. So presumably OP needs to work whatever years are needed in her private pension scheme.

You’re not excited because it’s not particularly exciting. To put it bluntly it’s a disaster. 21, unmarried, no home of her own. It’s hardly optimum conditions for having a baby is it? Many people wouldn’t continue the pregnancy under such circumstances. Thats not to say that she shouldn’t, but it’s hardly good news is it?

I also disagree that when you have children, you have to look after them for life. In my culture, the elderly get priority. Why not? They are tired and ill. The young are strong.

I will be taking my own mum in next year perhaps, so I won"t be free to look after any grandbabies full time, as I told my kids. People who go on about cultures that value family support never realise that it goes both ways. It's not always about housing your kids, it's also about housing your mum! And everyone has a certain responsibility.😉

Jesus.

OP - you are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel, but like I said you should not stop looking after your child when they turn 18, they are for life. Your DD will remember how you treated her when pregnant so please remember that. She might not have these things in place now but there’s nothing to say she won’t in a year.

I am leaving this thread with a new-found thankfulness that I do not have some of these comments as parents 🥴

I agree there's a HUGE difference between an emergency situation and a 'oh mum and dad will sort us out' situation.

I really think you need to have what will be quite a difficult conversation OP.

I think it will be really hard to explain your perspective without telling them that having a baby, a toddler, a child, a tween, a teen is actually really fucking exhausting - much much more exhausting than they realise, which is fine, because they only have to deal with one bit at a time.

BUT critically important it's also cumulatively exhausting, so by the time you have sent a post-teen out into the world you really have not much else left to give.

And as much as you love them, you are not prepared to start again, other than as close grandparents, which means not living together but perhaps 1 day a week childcare.

Your situation is very different, your MIL was very supportive of you living with her rent free even if it was long term. You are also from a religious/cultural background where being parents being financially supportive to their adult DC isn't unusual. This is not the cultural norm for most white British people.

You are less than excited regarding the circumstances of your daughter's pregnancy, rather than not being excited about being a Nanny/Grandma. You know from the experience of bringing up 3 children, that being a parent, and especially a first time one, is bloody hard work.

You need to sit down with your daughter, her boyfriend and your husband and speak to them about their plans. What are their expectations? How are they going to pay their way living with you, saving up a deposit to move and provide for a baby? You and your husband (prior to the talk with your daughter) need to have clear ideas on what you expect from them and what childcare/help you are willing to provide. Together, all 4 of you need to thrash out a plan.

Can your daughter's boyfriend put going self-employed on hold until the baby is older and find an employer instead, as this will be more stable? If your daughter isn't going to be entitled to much maternity pay/leave, then she needs to have clear plans in place to go back to work. In turn that means, the baby may need to go to nursery.

Equally, if you and your husband decide that your daughter, her boyfriend and grandchild, living with you isn't a viable option, you have to be honest with them both now.

This is so sad, this whole thread actually. There are some awful comments on here. Some of you are such dragons, life doesn’t always go to plan, you’re supposed to support your children. Yes once they’re 18 they’re adults, but does your duty of care/support as their mother end there? Because mine certainly wouldn’t.

We ended up in a similar situation and were worried for similar reasons but ended up loving it. I’m really grateful for the time we had together supporting dd as a new mum and helping with the baby.

If anything I struggled when they left (I bit my tongue and wished them well but really missed having them here).

I think you should tell your daughter that you’re unabls
to accommodate them. If they’re ready for a baby they need to stand on their own feet

That sums it up quite well. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it’s a disaster because it can be sorted, but, it is something that needs sorting out, there are lots of issues, so it can’t just be celebrated and seen as a fully positive thing. That would be fake and very naive.

I really want better for my children. I don’t want them to struggle, to have to do things like get a house before they’re actually ready because they had a child unplanned and before they could provide,

My oldest is 22. He is a university, we support him financially and will continue to do so whilst he’s in education. We are very much here for him. But if he ends up having a child soon, I would expect him to get himself into a position to provide for his child fully, as parents should, and sharpish. There is no point romanticising it.

Huge Congratulations bit of you. Obviously you’ll need to accelerate the house search as realistically you’ll want to be moved in by the time you are 7ish months - obviously you can’t live here with a baby’. End of!

Jesus Christ. Give her a hand. I hope you’re planning for some of your savings to go towards your care when you are older because if you can’t help your daughter and your family when they need it why should they help you? Be realistic - they won’t want to live with you forever. Surely they’ll suss any type of talk of you setting boundaries etc and know you don’t really want them there and you’ll ruin your relationship. I’m so glad my parents are not like this.

Would you stick to the pre arranged six months?

No, but my duty of care to my children means making them into responsible parents for the children they have chosen to have. My future grandchildren need me to make sure my children are capable of providing for them.

Congrats on impending grandmotherhood.

How many will you have at home?

Suggest you pre-book lots of weekends away to reconnect with hubby 😉

I don't blame you @FirstNight I would not be keen either. Why are they so excited when they can't even afford to live independently?

Something else to bear in mind. A friend of mine was in this position and her health took a real battering. The baby and inevitably toddler was constantly getting illnesses (all normal of course). She would catch them too. The child was fine after a day or two but it took her a lot longer to recover.

Also there are nearly always greater expectations of the grandmother in terms of helping than grandfathers. My friends life was turned upside down while her DH carried on as normal.

Deleted bcos quote failed.

Why are people dragons because they would not be so keen in such a situation? People are allowed to feel differently than you.

Yes tread carefully OP because you could damage your relationship permanently if you follow some
of the advice on here.

I’m not sure congratulations are right - it sounds like the OP is in a shit situation and will end up suffering because her daughter/partner aren’t grown up enough to take responsibility for their decisions

Why are they so excited when they can't even afford to live independently?

Good question. It’s really immature. Whilst they might have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, they should have some major concerns and worries, and I’d be really concerned that they were just excited with no plan instead. It doesn’t bode well.

Just saw your update that you can't
Fund a deposit
Have to keep working full time
Can't presumably go on weekends away.
I guess then all you can do is ask them gently if they can move out after 6 months.

But you can't insist because then your DD may go no contact and put you in a care home! Also it looks like they can't afford to move out. So I guess you will have to hope that you enjoy this experience, like some posters have.