Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

You previously told women who wanted female-only care during childbirth that they were being unreasonable, even when some of them were talking about sexual trauma they’d experienced.

Fucking hell.

Thanks for the heads up.

It's nobody's business. Stay out of it.

What a horrible, miserable attitude. You haven't met them, boo to be you.

What a load of nonsense.

It's intended to be critical of both parties in a scenario I've seen played out many times.
It wasn't a comment on the OP's particular situation.
I've apologised a number of times for the wording I used in my post. It was unpleasantly expressed, I fully admit that, and I regret wording it the way I did. I stand by the observation, however, and so far more than 30 people seem to be in agreement with the opinion, if not the wording.

My dad met his new partner via online dating less than a month after my mum died. We fell out for months over it and he absolutely couldn't understand why I was upset. They're still together now 10 years later. I'm glad he's happy rather than sad and alone...just wish he'd given my mother the respect of a few months before looking for someone new.

Well I don't care if you care or not (ad infinitum) I'd have to seek out that thread - you might have misconstrued something again.

It’s not just men who do this. My dad passed and my step mum moved on with someone else officially 7 months later (we think it had been going on a few months though) he had lost his longterm partner a few months before my dad passed though and I feel he groomed her in to the relationship, he's older and seemed to not be able to be on his own. They are still together a few years later and she is like a different person.

I can help you out with that.

You said “I realise exactly why some women may feel uncomfortable with a male midwife ... I get that, I understand it”

But then went on to say “Well, you know ... we either want equality or we don't. Quite simple, really”

So you admitted that you knew exactly why women would feel uncomfortable, but that you don’t care because we wanted equality.

And even worse, you claimed to have been a nurse

All of that is true. In principle I have no issue with male midwives. In particular instances i recognise why it may not be appropriate.

I'm wondering where they meet all these available women, and how the women meet these widowed men! Seems others much younger have to throw back a lot of fish on dating websites after the first meeting and it's quite difficult to hook up with a compatible person when NOT widowed!

Is it an air of vulnerability on the part of the men, and gold digging on behalf of the women I often wonder. That's tongue in cheek now, before I get roasted.

And yet you implied that because women wanted equality we had no right to want female only care.

In principle I have no issue with male midwives.

That's good of you. I'm sure male midwives everywhere will breathe a sigh of relief.

However, as you're a man who cannot give birth, the 'issues' you may or may not have, mean absolutely zero.

Just as me 'having no issue' with female nurses checking men's prostates would mean absolutely zero.

My mother had a long death. We had time to prepare. One of the things I did was read up on how elderly men in long marriages tend to react to becoming widowers. The reality is that they often re-partner shockingly quickly. My sibling and I took to joking that we just hoping it was someone age appropriate as a way to deal with the difficulty of the situation.

when my mother died, I went to visit my father in his small village about 6 weeks later. It was the weekend of a big festival and everyone was out and about. Women were stopping him and hitting on him right in front of me and his grandchild. I couldn’t believe how brazen they were being. It turns out he was also online dating and wanted to talk to me about it. I told him I understood why he was doing it, but wasn’t ready to be his sounding board.

he was living with his now partner within a year. They will be together until one of them dies. Given their health, she will probably go first.

I think it is less likely he will repeat the process again, but I wouldn’t rule it out.

TLDR: Men who have always had a woman to take care of them can’t handle being alone. There is a shortage of elderly single men as men tend to die first. There is especially a shortage of elderly single men who have decent savings. They have their pick of elderly women.

My Step dad met someone 9 months after my Mum died, I was really happy for him. He'd had a really shit few years and deserved some happiness. I met her a few times before their relationship fizzled out and it never bothered me. Why would it? She wasn't a replacement for my Mum, any more than my Mum was a replacement for the woman he divorced before that.

Noone ever sees the new partner as a replacement after a couple splits up, why is if different after a death, it always bemuses me.

My dad and his girlfriend met on a dating site for people in their situation. It had screening for financial status and education to even be eligible. I think they also were pretty direct about politics and preferences. It was pretty easy for him to narrow down the dating pool to the exact type of woman he wanted.

old people don’t mess around.

Look, I'm going to move on at this point. We're probably not going to see eye to eye. Ironically we might well agree on many points. Perhaps I need to be more careful how I express myself. I'm not one to look for argument or disagreement. I appear to have upset or annoyed you today/on this thread, for which I apologise, but I'm stepping away at this point.

Woman here who lost my partner in sudden circumstances and probably 'moved on' quicker than would be considered acceptable. Many who haven't been through it don't get it. You don't neatly come to terms with the loss of your partner and move on to the next. If I had tried to do that, I would have been alone for the rest of my life.

I think men are just like this. I remember my Dad bringing a woman to a family meal about a year after my mum died and I felt very off about it. I think he was struggling to do things alone. He did eventually remarry to my stepmum but that was 6 years later and it was fine of course.

When I was having chemo, there was a woman on the unit also having treatment but she was terminally ill. Her husband was so so attentive and sat holding her hand, bringing her things, just making the whole thing easier for her and they clearly loved eachother very much. He was there for every treatment. About 3 months after she died, I saw him with his new girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it. He was very pleased he’d met somebody and said it’s what his wife would have wanted. I thought it was extremely disrespectful but what do you say? Again, men losing wives in long marriages just seem to be able to move on because they can’t be alone.

My parents were married for one month shy of 25 years, and together for 2 years before that when my 45 year old mum died in 1998. Dad was the same age.

My dad is a serious introvert and Sci Fi fanatic (geek watching Star Trek and other re runs and new series almost exclusively), but imagine our surprise when, within a year, I met the woman that has been my stepmother since July 2002.

I was delighted. My stepmother is a year younger than my dad, has her own 2 kids, a few years younger than me and my brother. Her presence is a great improvement in my dad’s life.

I must admit I was in shock when they told me, after they’d been married a year or so that they had discussed and decided against having a child.

To the OP - your mil is not coming back. It’s not like they are recently divorced. Even if they only have a relationship for a month or a year, that’s okay. And it’s not your life.

When my Dad moved on so quickly it was incredibly painful- it prevented my sister and I being able to grieve because Dad was forcing the new partner into our family at an uncomfortable rate. If he wanted to go off and do his own thing then that would have been less traumatic but it was him seeing her as a replacement mother for us. He minimised our loss and completely disregarded our feelings. It ruined the family’s relationship with him.

My FIL was widowed at 89, and he was so quickly enmeshed with a much younger friend of MIL’s that he brought her to the interment of MIL’s ashes 6 months after MIL died.

I say “enmeshed with” because the friend of MIL was married to someone with advanced Alzheimer’s who was in a home, so they weren’t in a relationship exactly. She understandably was very lonely and had nobody to go out with of an evening, and TBH I think FIL was after someone to look after him. He quite quickly started moaning to us about how she was going to see her husband “too often”, all under the guise of concern about her tiring herself out, but I think what he meant was “why doesn’t she ask me round for dinner instead?”

She was very pleasant and never intrusive, though I found it a bit uncomfortable at times because FIL was all over her. DH said that he had always suspected FIL had had a bit of a crush on her back in the day. But DH also said “good luck to them, you’re a long time dead” and looking back on it he was right an I am glad they had a nice time. When her husband died, she very adroitly kept things platonic - she clearly had no intention of becoming FIL’s carer, housekeeper and general dogsbody!

That is completely shameless and unforgiveable.

In my experience it's a load of crap. I grieved my ex for a decade and we were only together for 6 years and he didn't even die! My Mum moved on from her divorce within months to all appearances but behind closed doors she'd been grieving the relationship for three years after discovering an affair. I know quite never got over the death of their spouse and remained single for 60 years afterwards. Another who moved on quickly with someone they met at a bereavement group (!) and was happily remarried to him for 10 years before he also died.

OP, I can understand why it's hard to see your parent find love again after the other parent dies but assuming he's not vulnerable and the woman is nice, I think you just should be happy for him.

My friend died last year. Her husband of 54 years was in a relationship less than 3 months later.