Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

How stupid to have a matrix on how long someone “should” wait. Every situation and person is different. My dad found someone quite quickly (my mom had been sick for a very long time and her death was not sudden). I was/am happy for him. But, again, every situation is different and timeline may feel too soon for some (unlike a PP, for example, my father didn’t become more distant).

If someone had been ill for a long time, the grieving process could have started long before they actually died.

That does seem a bit quick. But, I suppose when he’s with someone he’s not spending his time hurting over his loss. So, getting with someone quickly probably helps you through the grieving process.

I think that was the case for the man I know.

You don’t have a high view of women if you think we’re all ‘mugs’ who are willing to be a man’s ‘mummy’

Not all women (etc) and not all men (etc) I've already said it was overly cynical, and I sort of regret my wording, but it's just something I've noticed often.

I met DH five months after his first wife died suddenly. We've been married 30 years. A friend married his second wife six months after his wife died. Another friend married her husband about 18 months after her first husband died. All these were sudden deaths. There's no rule. You deal with grief differently.

@InterestedDad37 isn't wrong though albeit cynical, it's true that older men will often move on quite quickly to a woman who can take care of his needs and with the number of older ladies far outsripping available males they will never have issue acquiring a new wife. I saw it with my dad who started dating an employee less than a month after my step mum passed away from a heart attack at the wheel. He was married within 6 months. It's indecent haste. However, they are adults making adult decisions so any judging should be done silently.

In the fortnight after MIL died, FIL came to stay. I took him to a group of children’s birthday party theatre trip where he was embarrassingly trying to flirt with a child’s Polish nanny who was at least 50 years younger than him. Within six weeks he was dating a woman closer to his age from the golf club. He had been married to MIL for over 50 years. It wasn’t just the speed at which he moved on, but the overt teenage excitement and enthusiasm he showed for the whole dating process. He moved the golf one in and remarried her within a year and from then onwards she slavishly cooked, cleaned and waited on him.

Happily married men often find someone quickly after the death of their wife. I always think of Paul McCartney who did just that.

Thank you. I do regret my wording, but I stand by my observation, and have seen the process in action a number of times, with people I actually know.
If they're happy, I'm happy for them, but sometimes it's a precarious arrangement that caters for mutual need, above other considerations, and have can have practical and financial consequences for members of their families (inheritance, etc)

A friend of mines dad met his second wife at the funeral of his first wife. It was an old friend who he hadn't seen for a long time and they just gelled. He was married to her until she too died. He was a church minister and a very kind lovely man. He certainly wasn't looking for a housekeeper or any such thing.

People who were happily married often move on to other happy relationships.

You have all had people to come home too, he's been on his own and knows he needs to share his life.

Let him be.

in my experience men move on very quickly. It is difficult and sad to swallow. I was relieved my own Dad took at least two years to find a new gf.

The kids needs to accept that or risk alienating themselves from their parent

I just hope the neighbour is nice for the adult kids sake

I think that often people think that life is short and why waste time waiting for the “right “ time, especially when you are older. My husband and I had known each other for 20 years when he died. We had the happiest of marriages and I was devastated when I lost him. I have no desire to meet anyone else.
My friend is totally different and started looking for someone else after 3 months. She had been married for 30 years. Neither of us is wrong, though judging from the people I have met in the bereavement group I belong to, she’s unusual.

I doubt your child was actually sad seeing their grandfather with a new friend. “Moving on so quick” is something adults have put on it, not a child.

I think unless you’ve been widowed you can’t really comment on too quick or not.
He still needs to live the rest of his life and his precious marriage isn’t validated by the length of time is wallows alone every night.

I don't want him to be unhappy of course. He was devastated for the first few weeks. He was annoyed my partner wasn't there, I think he wants to play happy families. I'm just glad my partner wasn't there to see his dad snogging another woman after he'd been to visit his mums grave earlier in the day. I know there's no time line and he's fine with him moving on as he doesn't want his dad lonely. Mil died suddenly, unexpectedly. I just think they need to be more toned down in front of other family members. It upset my child seeing her grandfather kissing another woman.

My Dad told me that he was moving a woman in on the day of my mums funeral 😂 It was a bit pathetic tbh

Flipping heck!

I work with elderly people and I’ve found that widows 75+ tend to stay single. They have friends and are sociable.
Widowers do tend to look for a companion/partner as they often lack the friendship circles as their wives were the driving force behind interactions with other people.
There are a couple of gentlemen that haven’t but they seem to have quite independent natures (ex military) so perhaps that is the difference?
I wouldn’t begrudge anyone their happiness but it must sting for children to witness a situation where a parent moves in quickly.

Some of these replies are really quite horrid, cynical and unhelpful.

@op, my lovely mum died just over a year ago and sometime in, I think, summer my dad met someone. He told me about her in Autumn and whilst I’ve had times where I’ve found this very difficult, overall I think it’s positive. He was totally broken when mum died, it was very sudden and shocking. He’s still in his 60s and his paramour is at least a decade older than him - so I don’t think he’s looking to be looked after by her. From the small bits of info I’ve been able to glean, this is a deep friendship; I have no idea about any other aspect, and frankly I don’t want to know. Sometimes when he talks about them they sound like teenagers.

Her husband died in the last 5 years after a long, and what appears to be happy marriage. Both of them spent time caring for a spouse and putting their needs to one side. They have shared interests and do things together that mum and dad couldn’t do for whatever reasons. I do find it jarring to be confronted with her presence when I talk to dad (I’ve not met her, I live far from my hometown), but mostly I’m quite grateful that she exists. I think when they started spending more time together coincides with when the sobbing phone calls reduced. He gets one life and could live another 25 years, I couldn’t bear for him to be that unhappy for that long

I suggested bereavement counselling. The apparently the therapist fancied him 😂 He the went on to have a succession of 4 different women in six months after being on dating websites “ooh there’s this 23 year old in Russia who’s looking for a wealthy elderly man in ill health, I think she likes me “ 😂

I don’t think it’s nasty. Maybe a bit strongly worded from pp but why do men have an absolute free pass from considering other people’s feelings in our society? Yes he’s allowed happiness but is it ok to be utterly tone deaf? Couldnt he conduct his new relationship a little more privately? I’m not sure he had to be snogging someone in front of his grandchild. You’d not catch many women behaving like that. Ignorant was the correct word imo.

You do not state ages, but as you mention 3 generations I assume FIL is at least in 50s .. As such I would try and explain it as follows:

Just because your granddad has a new partner, it doesn't mean he loves your grandmum any less. As people get older, they often realise that each of us only has a limited time on this earth, and you shouldn't spend this all being unhappy. When it comes to happiness, there is no time like the present.

Even though it may be awkward, encourage all your evolved to stay in contact and move past Thier initial feelings.

Maybe avoid the social club for a few months though untill the love inn settles down!

That is shockingly insensitive. Sorry that happened.