Fil moved on too quick?

[Hereforthecommentz]

Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

My friends dad was living with another woman within 6 weeks of his wife’s death, he was in his eighties, friend and the rest of the family weren’t happy but he was so needy and demanding, they were glad to pass the baton to someone else.

My husbands friend attended his wife’s funeral with another woman, claiming friendship because she knew what he was going through, we all knew it was a relationship and it most definitely was.

Think it’s a man thing, they move on very quickly.

Did you read that in Mizz

A significant number of widowers remarry within a year. Typically it's 18 months to 3 years.

He behaving like other men.

If he's found someone wouldn't your mil be happy for him?

I don’t think anyone can judge until they have walked in this poor man’s shoes. Grief and bereavement are different for everyone.
OP I agree with your DH. He does not have to watching the relationship and be part of that dynamic but he can wish his dad well.

Men do move on quickly compared to women, partly because they need someone to look after them.

God there are some horrible posts on here. Just horrible. <shudder>

If you're close to FIL could you have a chat with him? Tell him while you're happy for him, his own children are struggling with the thought of him moving on so quickly and that the overt public displays of affection are particularly upsetting. Tell him if he is discreet with his relationship, it would give them a chance to get used to the idea.

He's not doing anything wrong by having a relationship with someone who makes him happy, life is short. But people snogging in public at any age, at a social event, is unacceptable 😳

Takes two to tango! Maybe new lady isn’t putting up the barriers she should if she’s snogging in public too! If she was not up for this, she should have said no and meant it. In front of grandchildren is a bit “common” though.

I also think the manner of mil’s death makes a difference too. If a long illness, he’s had a long time to think about being single and maybe didn’t think it was for him? He’s maybe done his grieving over more than 14 months. Could be much longer.

You say how long since MIL. passed but the truth is you don’t know when that relationship ended. Or when their intimacy ended.

You and everyone else truly have no idea what the relationship was like for FIL when MIL was around. I’m sure everyone has an idea based on appearances.
You and everyone else have no idea who her death has impacted his desire for joy or to embrace life.

leave him alone and be glad he is happy. If I were your late MIL I’d want happiness for those left behind. SIL needs to wise up. There is no grief police. One month per year is only someone who has never been through grief would say. It isn’t linear. Leave the man alone.

I can’t imagine how lonely it feels to lose your partner of such a long time. What a huge gap to fill. This new partner won’t fill the space she left, but it she makes him happy and less lonely, I really don’t understand the harm.

Not absolutely always.

You should have seen my mum!

It's pretty accurate tbf. Men generally cannot be alone

I really hope you don’t have any men in your life. You’re attitude is appalling

Bullshit

Please see some of my other replies above. I regret the wording I used, which is overly cynical.

I think men do move on quicker. They just do. And there are statistically more single women about who appreciate a man who has been in a good relationship …and is, I use the term carefully, housetrained.

An earlier post frames this in quite a harsh way- men wanting someone to look after them- but I think for some men there is something to this, and I don’t mean that unkindly. It is tremendously difficult to adjust to living alone after a long marriage- not because you want someone to cook your dinner but because for many men the fact of being in a relationship gave their life structure and meaning. Women are also more often the people who manage the couple’s relationship with the rest of the world- organising their social life etc and even contact with children and grandchildren. Not how it should be perhaps but very common, and I think the result is that bereaved men can feel they have lost everything- not only their life partner but their entire purpose and ability to function (and I’m not talking about cooking and cleaning, but about the ability to live a meaningful life in the world). It is a tremendous loss and it doesn’t surprise me that men want to start rebuilding things quickly, nor that they automatically tend to rebuild by means of a new relationship, give that that’s what they know.

I think bereavement affects women differently- the grief for the partner is the same but women in general don’t lose purpose and social connection to the same extent. Of course I’m just talking in general and there will be plenty of counter examples.

I volunteer at a hospice bereavement group . The group meets up fortnightly for a couple of hours , there are activities going on but mostly people stick to the large table that group chat takes place at and it is hosted by at least 2 members of staff .
Many people keep coming even after a couple of years after bereavement , there is no time limit for them to stop .
In that timescale the majority of men are back to dating or even living / married to new partners . It is well known that men seem to move on more so than women .

Theres a saying “women mourn, men replace”

Is it the inheritance? @Hereforthecommentz

Staying single and living alone forever doesn’t mean you loved your spouse any more.

And that person who looks after them
stands to inherit. Sounds like adult kids and grand kids are calculating inheritance. None should be this upset at this. Even if it doesn’t last, let the man live and enjoy life and female company.

My dad lasted 4 months after mum died before telling me he had hooked up with a neighbour. I think he got together with her before but was too wary to tell us kids and I must admit it didn't rest easy..
However 14 months is a fair amount of time to be able to grieve for some and FIL to move forward. If he is happy, then who are the rest of us to stop that?

I didn’t say it did.

So why do women pair off with these recently widowed men and “look after them?”