Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

Men tend to need someone to cook and clean for them.
Women tend to enjoy the freedom of not having to look after another adult.

PDA from your granddad to his new girlfriend are pretty gross. He's a bit old for snogging in public.

When my godmother died at age 61, her husband moved another woman in within 10 weeks. I always knew he was a wrong 'un.

My dad hasn't looked at another woman in 7 years. There was only one person for him, and he's happy just to have a wide group of friendships. I worry that he's lonely, but he still seems to have a pretty active social life for a man in his mid 80s.

I'm 69, married for 42 years. If my DH was to die, and I was looking for a new partner this would mean waiting 3.5 years, when I would be 72 and a half, and I'm sure there would be rich pickings! DH and I have an agreement, based on our philosophy of living for the day, that we would wait 3 months. Neither of us would be good on our own and I'd far father he found someone else nice ASAP and was happy. Our children know about this, but really it is none of their business.

I've been in your shoes & it's really tough, it's combination of thing's isn't it? moving on quickly & feeling disloyal to MIL. Our issue as a a family was how quickly FIL moved on (just a few months), the intensity of it (he moved in with her & they were always together) & his absolute willingness to put her & her children well before his own. It is painful. However we are many years down the line now & FIL has passed & I reflect on it & think he quite simply could not be alone & he needed a replacement ASAP & that's how he survived. He was extremely fortunate that his children just accepted whatever crumbs he offered & were there for him when he needed them.

My Mum would've been an absolute mug if she'd taken up with one of the several widowers that fawned over her after my Dad died. And that included FIL! Honestly it was sickening. Thankfully she wasn't in the least bit interested and realised they just wanted looking after and everything taken care of. She on the other hand just wanted companionship. When they realised that they lost interest. It was pathetic.

So I totally agree with @InterestedDad37

Nurse with a purse is a definite thing for older men to seek out

A lovely insightful post.

What @Timeforabiscuit and @Peekingovertheparapet said. In spades.

Just a thought for those who think that it's a bad thing for a man to want to be looked after - do you also think that it's a bad thing for a woman to want to look after someone? Is a new relationship so terrible if it meets a mutual need?

Research suggests men who were in happier relationships move on more quickly
My Dad got a new partner a similar length of time after my mum died. After the initial shock I was relieved as it meant I didn't have to worry about him being alone of an evening or having nobody to holiday with etc.
Some family members and family friends were not happy about it and weren't very nice to my dad and new parter and I still haven't forgiven them. I know that my mum would have rather him have been happy. She has never been forgotten either. She is still talked about and their are pics of her in my dad's house.
I have no sympathy for anyone who doesn't like someone moving on where it is a pretty standard relationship. I would understand concern at an 80 year old man suddenly moving a 30 year old in etc.

And as I said, not all bereaved men are like that. The man I mentioned did all the cooking, cleaning and organisation in the home for years, as well as all his wife's personal care. He certainly didn't need looking after when she died. The woman he's forming a relationship with is his own age.

If the wife had a long illness, they may well have done their grieving before they died, so cam move on quickly.

Indeed. My brother-in-law was doing OLD within a fortnight of his wife's death. He had a number of relationships before moving a woman in with him after meeting her 2 weeks previously (this was last year, 8 months after he was widowed).

Are we judging him? Is the Pope American?

You need to explain to your child that grandad deserves to be happy, that he’s nice he’s got someone who loves him so he isn’t lonely, she isn’t replacing grandma, and that it’s perfectly OK for him to kiss her.

You can’t expect him to pretend his relationship doesn’t exist, over a year after his wife’s death, just to pander to your child’s feelings. He was the one who lost his spouse!

And my dp has lost his mum, he can't just find another one. He's allowed to not have it rubbed in his face until he's ready to process it.

My father took 4 days. Yes, you read that right, 4 days. My mother hadn’t even been buried and I called there and there’s this woman sat on the sofa. 6 weeks later they were a proper couple going on short weekend breaks and she moved in 4 months later. No thought for mine or my brother’s feelings - basically we were told if you don’t like it you can fuck off. So I did, not spoken to him for 11 years.
He was completely blinded by a woman 10 years his junior being interested in him. To this day he won’t fully admit it was going on before my mother died but I have my suspicions

Then only socialise with him on his own. Of course your DH has lost his mum and can’t replace her so it’s going to be hard for everyone. It has been over a year though, everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way.

Life it too short, leave the man alone to be happy..

But he can handle that, surely, with his father?

Frankly that’s disgusting. And highly misogynist.

Well duh, of course not every single bereaved man does this, but its horrifically common that men move on quickly, much moreso than women because men need looking after.
It's something widely acknowledged in healthcare that when women become terminal men are already looking and dating.

Yes I think there the way forward until they are ready.

Your DH can take as long as he likes to process it. However, he doesn’t have the right to dictate his father’s decision to move on with his life.

Or he is just genuinely happy for the companionship.

Being single after the death of a loved one or a breakup can be very lonely and nothing to do with being too lazy to look after yourself.

He is a widow, he can move on if he is ready to. It's not necessary to judge so unpleasantly.

Any chance you could debate without rudely saying "duh" to express your disagreement?

If i die before my partner i would absolutely want him to move on and meet someone else, whether it be in six years or six months, id want him to have happiness and not spend years grieving his own life away. It would take nothing away from our time together or how much we love each other.