Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

Men often do. A friend (more of an acquaintance really) of my parents was remarried less than a year after his first wife died. Actually, after he killed her in a dangerous driving incident :(

My friend’s father got into a new relationship when his wife was in a care home with dementia, he had cared for her for 3 years prior to this.

Edit: retracted

I think part of the reason men move on quicker generally is that they don’t worry so much about the opinions of other people as women

It’s not about you being cynical.

What I found offensive is you calling women mugs. Even if what you’re saying about men were true, that’s on the men, don’t blame women for men’s behaviour.

Fair enough. But I have seen a degree of naivety on the part of some of the women I'm referring to. Anyway, point taken.

The judgements need to stop from people who haven't been widowed. They aren't the ones going home to the empty house.

I was widowed when I was 30 (I am now remarried). My first husband had been ill with a brain tumour and became... not at all himself.

I started up a fwb thing with a former colleague a couple of months after he died. This guy was also in a bad place (for other reasons) - we had some nice day trips, were there for each other in the bad times, and yes, we also had sex sometimes.

I don't really care who wants to judge that. Your family shouldn't be judging FIL. Perhaps they just ought to try to be happy if he is happy. Do they want him to be lonely??

You don't need to be in the middle.
I don't know why you became so involved in his socialisation.
It was fine that he was sad and alone for a while after the death of his loved one.

Leave him from now on and let him live his own life.

Be understanding of your SIL. She is still grieving her mother and she expected that her father would feel similarly sad for a bit longer.

I hope your FIL is waiting, sensitively, before allowing his new girlfriend to occupy spaces in your MIL's home or attend family events..

I'm in a similar position, but can only wish for a friend's with benefits situation it sounds like a very welcome balm to a visceral situation.

If you have not been widowed - you cannot possibly know or understand what happens during grief, you are clueless, you are oblivious - you can only try to seek to understand, unless you just want to sit there and judge.

Part of my grief was sheer relief that the person I loved was released, I coasted on relief for a good 9 months. Another part was joy my body still worked after not leaving the house for the last four months due to the care required.

I still remember the first electric thrill of attraction - again something I thought had died with my husband.

Quite honestly I don't give a shit for people being cast as saints or sinners - people say they'll support and be there for you, but they aren't, you need to make your own way and your own happiness.
Another irony is that you're expected to playact the role of an acceptable widow, as if grieving isn't hard enough you have to be seen to be doing it right too. Really think about that, you would really rather someone lived making their own life smaller to make it fit with your narrow perception of the world?

Both things can be true. There's no need to be alone until 'others' decide the right time has passed when it's okay for you to start again. People cannot really ever understand unless they've been there.

Equally, it's understandable your sil is upset because really there would never be a time when she would want to see another woman in the places her Mum used to be. And seeing her Dad with another woman would always sting. Not sure what timeframe would really make this better? Apparently grief is worse after the second year, but I don't know?

I know someone who was on dating sites before the funeral of his deceased wife. IMHO he is a complete narcissist and an abusive man. Unfortunately he married my friend.

@SlatkaterBut of course that seems like absolutely wild and callous behaviour and so far from what you would want to do at a time like that. Then again, grief is hideous and I can wholeheatedly understand wanting an escape from its ravages.

He's a grown man and whatever decisions or mistakes he makes, they are his to resolve. He will be lonely after the passing of his wife and men definitely need company more than women ever do. Let it run its natural course and hope he is happy for the time it lasts.

I agree, grief is hideous and if someone wants to move on a few weeks/months after the death of a partner it’s no one’s business but their own. Good luck to them. Before the funeral though? His wife left him her house (that she owned and he had moved into) on the understanding that he would leave it to her only son when he died. He changed his will a couple of months after her death and it is now left to his children.

Who makes up this shit?

And who believes them?

It’s common knowledge that Men move on more quickly than women after being bereaved. They want to recreate what they’ve lost rather than carry on grieving indefinitely.

They’re adults and it’s nobody else’s business but the two people involved in the relationship.

My only concern would be that they get legal advice and get their finances in order if they plan to marry rather than making assumptions about what the remaining partner might do with any joint property.

Christ, talk about judging innocent people by your own standards!

@InterestedDad37 don't apologise for your first post. I loved it! 🤣🤣
My fil started seeing someone a few years after mil died. They are like chalk and cheese in their personalities and I don't know what the attraction is. Actually I don't want to think about that🤢 anyway, I'm guessing they're happy but they've caused a fair bit of trouble which has resulted in Dh having very little to do with his Dad. For what it's worth he's always been a bit of a dick but he's got worse since he's got with this woman.

Please see some of my other replies above. I regret the wording I used, which is overly cynical.

Totally agree, seen it first hand in my family. Useless man who could barely boil an egg hooks up with younger woman with daddy issues. So clichéd.

Totally agree, seen it first hand in my family. Useless man who could barely boil an egg hooks up with younger woman with daddy issues. So clichéd.

I've seen all your other replies.

Bollocks were you 'overly cynical'.

You were downright nasty.

Just make sure he makes a new will!

It's been over a year and he's ready to move on. Sure, it hurts seeing him do things with not the mom, but it's his life. Being sad and grieving rather than moving on won't bring her back.

Grief is an individual thing and everyone handles it differently.

I am being pedantic and I'm sorry. I agree, I don't think there should be a formula to work out how long it ''should'' take someone to move on. But your maths is incorrect

But no, for a 20 year marriage in that case it would be 3 yrs 8 months(44 months total)

2 years; then add 1 month for each year they were married

2 yrs + 20 months = 44 months