Fil moved on too quick?

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Mil died a 14 months ago. Fil has found someone else and is all loved up. The woman is my mums neighbour. I took him to social club as I was worried he was lonely and miserable. So now he's in love with neighbour. Sil is really unhappy moved on too quick ect. I said I feel stuck in middle, I like neighbour, I dont want Fil unhappy. I went out my partner didn't want to go, he's OK with his dad being happy but doesn't want to see it. I get it. Event at social club, seemed very loved up even I felt a bit uncomfortable. My child was sad at seeing her grandad moving on so quick. I feel stuck in middle.

OP your DH's family have the right to be sad their dad seems to have moved on quickly. It's understandable they may think it's too soon, but it's his life, not theirs. We don't know the background about your MIL, whether she had a long illness or died unexpectedly. You feel responsible for some of the hurt DH and SIL are feeling because you essentially introduced FIL to the girlfriend, but you really shouldn't. They should be happy he's got someone else, providing he's not being manipulated or abused.

My MIL died in the November from terminal cancer. About a week after the funeral at the beginning of December, FIL was going on dates.

He is now remarried.

I don’t think it’s surprising really. We’re still in age ranges where women did all the caring/housework and many men are just looking for someone to look after them. There’s also companionship. I would add though that this is why my money/assets are going to DC. If I died I know DP would move on quickly and I want my children to benefit.

to be honest I dont get the women either. Who would want to be in a relationship.with someone who could move on within weeks of their wife's death ? I would think they were particularly shallow people and would steer clear but obviously not everyone else feels the same.
I know 4 men who did that and in two cases it destroyed their relationship with their children and grandchildren and they are permanently estranged as a result.
It is hard enough to lose a parent without that as well so it has caused a lot of avoidable pain for their children which could have been avoided if they had just waited at least a year or so and not 4 to 6 weeks!
I do know of one situation where the man wanted to take his new girlfriend on holiday with his children to scatter his wife's ashes in a location that had strong sentimental attachments. Needless to say it didn't end well with his children!
And for balance my aunt did the same thing after a long marriage as well so its not just men .

When my dad did break the news, it actually sounded as though he was being courted by at least 3 widows. His version was that he felt compelled to ‘pick one’ to make the rest go away. That sounds callous and I’d hate for her to read that and think it was her because I don’t think that’s the whole truth at all - but the idea that it’s men looking for a replacement isn’t always true. I genuinely don’t think he was because I had near daily phone calls of him sobbing. He really wasn’t great company!

That said, he has no significant assets so I don’t have the inheritance worry (I don’t think he would remarry, and I am not even sure they would live together). I don’t think her children are worried about that either. I don’t know them well, but I think that what we probably have in common is that we are enjoying a better standard of living than our own childhoods.

In widower terms he’s a bit of a catch I suppose: he’s independent financially, not rich but not a drain on anyone either. He has grown up children, and is quite involved in my siblings’ lives (they live near). He has his own interests, so he’s not clingy, and he has his stories. When he talks about her, it’s more that he can’t seem to believe his ‘luck’ that she likes him. I don’t believe this would be happening were mum alive, but she’s not, and none of us can change that.

regarding grand children - well they are taking their lead from you. I can’t see in the OP what people are referring to when they say ‘snogging in public’ (that would cross a line for me, but it would be a decency thing regardless of the widower aspect). But at some point my children must surely meet this woman and I will prepare them - Grandad has a new friend, he likes her very much, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love Granny, and we are all grateful that she likes and cares about him. The kids are teenage so I have no doubt they will find it amusing if they are giggly together, but they won’t be encouraged to view this as shameful or a betrayal.

Not a thought that even crossed my mind. In fact she's got her own home and self sufficient, it's nothing to do with money. He's not an invalid either, I don't agree with pp that he's looking for a house keeper. His house is very tidy, he's quite ocd about keeping things tidy so that's not it. I just think he's lonely, of course he is and I dont want him being sad and yes I do think i am being unreasonable. I think it was just the first time seeing them together as a couple and they were a bit ott with the pda. I think fil needs to respect his children are grieving and it will be difficult for them to see thier parent with someone else and they aren't going to be dancing for joy about it. He seemed pissed off that his son wasn't there. I just put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't have been happy seeing my dad kissing someone else when I was grieving my mother. So I'm glad he didn't see it. I'm sure in time they will be fine with it.

I do think it's strange how people attribute how 'much love' there was for the deceased based on the number of months there has been before a new love interest is declared.

Would you still be counting if they'd just divorced?

I think it's different for the children.

They only have one mum or dad, but a spouse can have many partners to love.

@flapjackfairy re the women who shack up with these men so soon after their wives die....I can only speak about my FIL who started dating the next door neighbour in my MIL's last few months of life. She is 15 years younger (he's 62, she's 47) but by no means a catch. She's quite overweight and looks 60 herself due to heavy smoking and binge drinking. She's a single mother of a teenager that she ignores every weekend to go drinking with FIL I can only assume she doesn't have much of a self esteem. FIL has also paid for 6 holidays for them in the last 18 months alone so that's probably quite nice for her.

Men do this. It's pathetic.

I think it's personal really.I mean FIL is obv lonely ,and many men feel the same TBH. Women seem to manage better .I think it's hard for the family .DH is used to seeing his Dad as his parents .It's hard to see him as a person now with someone else .I think you are doing well ,support DH but see FIL as well .14 months is not a long time ,but probably feels an eternity to poor old Dad!

Someone I know fell madly in-love 3 weeks after his wife's death. I think that must be a record. Full on proclamations and public displays of affection - after 21 days.

Wow and coming from a bloke too! Nice!

I don’t think this is too quick, and find a lot of older men struggle to be alone, it isn’t a reflection on his feelings towards his wife and he doesn’t need to be alone for an extended period to validate he loved his wife.

the family should be supporting him not wanting him to be alone and miserable.

Please see some of my other replies above. I regret the wording I used, which is overly cynical.

Why? Some of them it's money. In the case of my dad's g/f, dad would've been number 4 hubby had they got married. They were engaged but dad died before they married.
We heard too that she ignored wills and kept the money meant for children each time, and in the case of one family she didn't even let the children know when the funeral was.
Some people are just bad.

edited. At my dad's funeral, the g/f was making moves on my dads old school friend, a recent widower. I had a few emails from him after, mentioning her, so I presume she moved on to the next one. As I said, some people are just bad!

I think there are two different issues here.
Him finding some company is helping him cope.

PDA like kissing in a club is frankly disgusting and if his children want nothing to do with him, it serves him right.
In front of his grandson?
Christ.

He should be told to have a bit of respect for himself and his family and control himself in public.
I really wouldn't want to be around him at all.

Of course his children are going to be appalled.
They must still be in huge shock about the sudden loss of their mother.
14 months is nothing.

A lot of men just can’t live on their own - they want someone else to take care of them. Tbh if she’s a nice woman and they’re happy I wouldn’t worry about it.

Some terrible generalisations all over this thread. All things that have been "noticed" by folk who seemingly keep spreadsheets of when bereaved folk re-date. You know nothing, you're actually disgusting.

My fil met the new woman when my mil was terminal, was going out to meet her. It was quite shocking.i don’t think it got physical till she passed. He is really old fashioned in that way and clearly felt a lot of guilt.

my freinds got divorced, she initiated it, he didn’t want it, when she did it, he kicked off, but was on dating sites the next day and started seeing women and hiding it, whilst trying to convince his wife not to end it. His view was he had to put himself first , make a new life for nimself, snd didn’t wish to be single, living alone and hanging round his mates every weekend,

as said, it seems to be very common with older men, although divorcee was early 50s. It was staggering how many women lept at the chance to date him, even though they knew, and shagging immediately. So many felt sex sealed the deal and it meant they were in a relationship, even though he’d been clear.

I think there is a lot of single people who really dislike being single and behave utterly desperate when someone shows a flicker of interest.

My wife died in August last year. She had cancer, and we knew it was terminal for at least the preceeding three years, so it could be argued that I had already been grieving that long, so when the finality came maybe I would be ready to move on more quickly.

My reality is that I can't imagine being with anyone other than her, and I doubt I ever will.

I don't think you're being overlt cynical, people just don't like the truth, I 've seen this behaviour many times also, it's what many of them do.

I'm really sorry for your loss

How long should be have to be miserable for before he is allowed to live his life again? I don’t believe that moving on after the death of a partner mean you didn’t love them, I think you can continue to grieve whilst also getting out there and meeting people. He is presumably in the latter portion of his life, why wait to find some sort of joy?

I would say it’s up to him - it’s 14 months, not 14 days. I get it will seem strange, particularly to the grandchildren but he is entitled to move on whenever he feels ready