To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

Stop pitying yourself Op you’re not a loser or victim. Your family is on 4 times the national average… do you realise how nasty this sounds towards those less fortunate than you? Get over yourself you’re too old for naval gazing.

Like c’mon… ‘I feel like such a loser with my slightly not new luxury car, higher rate tax payer salaries and several healthy children’.

Stop it.

This is how capitalism works.

I have no interest in being wealthy. But I do want to feel safe. And I want to be able to do the things I enjoy and spend time with people that matter.

For a start your colleagues sound like idiots.

Secondly - stop comparing yourself, you have no idea what is going on in people’s lives so it may not be all it seems and even if it is, there will always be someone richer happier prettier than you. They likely have someone they feel that way about. Be grateful for what you have, you have a lot more than some.

And last but not least - money isn’t everything, I know the world can make you feel like it is but it’s not. It’s sad that you feel like a loser just because you don’t earn as much.

I was blessed with a valuable life lesson and now wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my younger years fretting and comparing myself to those around me who were very well off. A change of career took me into the world of high wealth living and I didn’t witness much happiness in the 20 years I was there. It is like living in a pressure cooker. When I came away I had a very different perspective on life. The reality was that I had more than enough, that I needed to stop looking at others and focus on enjoying what I already had. I leaned that behind all the sneering, mocking, belittling snide remarks are often very stressed unhappy people, working crazy hours, in masses of debt, broken marriages and never content. Constantly trying to project a picture of perfection to the outside world that didn’t actually exist. I may drive a crappy car, live in a small house, not have holidays and struggle to pay the bills but I wouldn’t swap it. My friends are there because they like me not because they are just networking. I live as the person I am not as the person I think I need to be to fit in. Life is stressful enough without adding anymore to it unnecessarily.

I don’t have a luxury car, it’s a Peugeot ( functional but fine)

"Functional but fine"
What else do you need?

I get that - DH and I career wise have has a step up from our parents though education and have probably manged about the same as our parents did for us for them lifestyle wise - some areas bit more some areas bit less - some luck some making stategic choices with downsides.

I did when kids were young and money was so tight it was actaully adversly affecting our health worry a lot about how much more other kids seem to have - hoildays we could take them on activities couldn't afford. Overall though they've done okay.

I think like many have said you need to shift the focus on what you can't give them to listing all the benefits they do get and make sure you all make the most of them.

I’m not bemoaning my car, I’m actually quite grateful we went to it in the end as it can fit 3 child car seat across and it means I don’t need to get another car

Yes they do. Not all obviously, but some, often with an antagonistic, basically tribal sort of hostility, in my experience. OP, what would happen if you just kind of stood up for yourself and mouthed off about manners and privilege and reading the room? You might feel better, and I’ve sometimes noticed that people who are really insensitive to others often have really thick skins themselves so you can give as good as you get.

If you afford to house and feed your family in a secure warm home and have a bit to save for your future and some more for some fun and relaxation and are basically healthy, then after being happy and successful is a state of mind and attitude. Success comes in numerous forms, not all recognised by monetary rewards. Caring for people who need care, supporting communitues, schools, charaties, and much mire can be a measure of success. Money is a very basic and crude measure of how successful a life is. Anyone that sneers at other people's choices around holidays or clothes is basically insecure and trying to seek validation on choices they have made. One of the most miserable collection of people I ever saw on holiday was when we were on the Island of Capri. They were getting no joy from anything and basically just competing to show how rich they were. Whereas we met loads of fun and happy people whilst doing a family road trip around South Wales one year. It might be a cliché, but nobody wishes they had spent even more time at the office on their death bed and sacrificed their life to earning money, the designer dress won't be a memory that makes them feel a life worth living on that bed, nor the holiday with people who were seeking validation by the clothes they bought.

But because of your experience of being made to feel this way, hopefully you will make sure your own children don’t grow up feeling inadequate, like they haven’t provided value for money in some way, and hopefully when they are adults and parents themselves they won’t feel like guilty shit providers when they are anything but. Honestly, it sounds to me like ‘for all the money spent on your education’ there was nevertheless something crucial that should have been given but wasn’t.

Yep. I think most are fake, but if not, it’s tiny violin time. 🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🎻🙄

There is a common and pervasive view that most people have of our society, that children "should" be better off, or at least as well-off, as their parents. As if it is a law of nature that each generation should be "progressing".

This view is mistaken.
As a society and civilisation, we are passed the peak of our collective wealth. From here on, in most families the children will not be better off than their parents. Some will buck the trend, but on the whole our grandchildren will be noticeably poorer than us.
You can see it with your own eyes if you look at todays twenty-somethings and compare their situation to how it was for you or your parents.

@Conundrummum123 This is not a personal failing on your part.
Stop measuring your worth as a person by your wealth.

Are you kind? Caring? Helpful? Cheerful? Nice to be around?
Those are things to be concerned about.
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you are already worth a million times more than those dickheads you work with.

But then you’re having a 3rd child and complaining about your life? That’s a choice you’re making, so I’m not sure where you think you are hard done by because it’s still all your choices you have control over.
for every person, there is someone that has more. If you keep comparing then you’re losing. You are in a great position compared to millions. You’ve lost sight of it

What would happen if I publicly called out my bosses boss and a member of the ex committee? It would be career suicide and id kiss my promotions, end of year and bonus bye bye. Which is why I’ve gone for the gentle reminders that people’s disposable income varies

Well, if you’d had asked me before, I’d have said there was enough up side that DH an I have promotions in our sights and that should give us another 15k annually, then I can use that title to get more externally etc etc

but now that (blind) optimism as faded and I feel rather trapped

These are just people you work with, why are you so riled up about these people who have no relevance to you? Also, they’re probably much older than you to be in the senior positions so have worked up to that salary.
but yet at mid 30 you want all that, while having multiple kids and at a good household income in any case. You can’t have it all but you want to.

Can you change jobs? You might encounter the same types of people elsewhere. I know of someone who has a very good life, but can’t have more kids and would rather have that. So you are wealthier in other ways.

They are older than me yes, 10+ years but I wouldn’t say I’m riled (to me that means angry) but rather just feel a bit shitty and deflated by the points of comparison.

ive worked with snr people paid a lot more than i before and never felt this way but lifestyle and judgements weren’t really a thing in their environments

Get a grip. You are delusional.

Oh gives us a break

I worked with a woman years ago who socialised with a much richer group due to her husband’s job. She was never happy despite having a 4 bed new build house (no kids), a luxury car & nice holidays. She came from a very poor working class background & they had done really well for themselves. But it was never enough. She ended up embezzling nearly £100k from our employer and went to prison. This was 25 years ago. I often wonder how her life turned out.

My oh and I earn about £50k between us, share a 13 year old car, we rent privately and our children share a bedroom.

I often feel like a loser and a complete let down to my kids to be honest, even though we work hard and are trying to strive for better. I just try to remind myself that we are safe, warm and fed. The kids don’t go without and we can afford a few small luxuries and treats, just nothing overly extravagant.

You need some perspective op, you have a six figure income, you are doing more than fine. Ignore the snobs at work who turn their noses up at state schools and caravan holidays, that attitude says more about them than anything else.

Average salary in the UK is 37k FT. The only thing that's U here is saying you're "middle earners". You're high earners.