To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

It is hard to undo feelings and mindsets that have been there since we are young… If you were to rephrase it, would you feel like your children were losers if they “only” got to achieve what you have in life? If 30 years from now, they have the same lifestyle as you, what would you think of them?

Do you talk to them about how privileged you all are to have a decent quality of life, or do they think success only equals Dubai, Florida and higher-than-a-BMW car models?

I was at a kids party with DS yesterday. Other parents were arriving in Mercedes, BMW, Range Rover… The birthday boy’s house was beautiful. Huge. Catering company did the food. His mum was effortlessly chic, and totally unstressed by it all.
A lot of the other parents are doctors, solicitors, bankers. Some aren’t. I’m not a top-earner, or a professional. The school isn’t posh, but we live in a nice area. We don’t own a house or a car. Or go on an annual holiday.
Did I feel like a loser? A bit... But they all had their own troubles. Divorce. Lost their parents. Debt. Loads of interest in my work (events) saying their jobs are boring. It just made me decide to make the best of what we have.

I'm fifty and last year my profit share in my small business was £36,000. Plus I'm single and childless. I'm a total loser if those are the metrics 🤷‍♀️

I used to feel envious of family and friends who earnt way more, went on fabulous holidays, bought extravagant gifts for their children and so much more. They didn’t brag or anything it was just what I saw but then I realised I had two very bright, sociable daughters who worked hard at school and have gone on to have very good jobs, lovely husbands and I have two amazing grandchildren. I feel blessed.I had a friend whose son ended up on drugs then prison despite a privileged background others unable to have children or divorced. Also people want you to see the wonderful but who really knows what their life is like behind closed doors.
So what I am trying to say is instead of dwelling on the negatives look at the positives.

I finding your woe is me, I only have a household income of £130K very ironic 🤨

I think this post is wise. It can be hard to avoid comparing sometimes.I know a family with double our income and I've fallen into that trap at times.As mentioned previously, people in this bracket often have huge outgoings too. I'm of an age now where some of my wealthy friends have been made redundant and their circumstances have changed.
Remember also that everyone spends on different priorities.I know some people who keep a horse as their main expense or go on luxurious holidays annually whereas with young kids ,childcare is obviously the same cost as these.
Enjoy the life stage of having your third child , a financial choice in itself, and as your kids get bigger there'll hopefully be lots of opportunities to develop your career and earning potential if you want that :)

Comparison is the thief of joy…..

OP - I think you are ridiculous and to be honest, a bit of a spoilt brat. You had a privileged upbringing and now you are throwing your toys out of the pram because you don’t perceive you are on par with your peers. You don’t feel you are where you SHOULD be due to your privileged background. It’s entitlement dressed up as a pity party. YOUR post is crass, never mind the other post you were referring to.

I think there is so much out there encouraging us to compare what we have now, it can be hard not to feel lacking.
I follow some beautiful home renovation accounts, and they can be inspiring, but sometimes they provide a kick rather than a lift! Yesterday I followed a link they post to a new throw pillow or something that looks really pretty and it retails at £300+ and it does sting. It shouldn't, but it does.

Sounds depressed to me.

Could also be pregnancy hormones.

The £150 extra for childcare was pure baby stage, what is set for when I go back to work. Clothes we have a lot so that doesn’t worry me.

but basically your comment is sort of reinforcing my worry, not sure if that was your intention but I’m reading it as you can’t afford it.

uni wise, they’ll need to live at home for uni unless that loan scheme is improved because its horrifically unfair, luckily we have red brick unis around us as well as others.

we save £100 a month for each kid, made up by child benefit and our contribution (yes we have to pay some cb back) house deposit can either come from that or from my inheritance which yes isn’t huge (about 250k) but I’d want some of that to bolster our retirement too, plus on DHs DMs side there are 2 other properties.

I may get some flack for this…but if the 3rd pregnancy was not planned, you do have other options? I mean that kindly.

What industry is this? How old are you?

I’ve been a high earner, but this is far from my experience. One of the advantages of earning well is that it gives you the freedom to do what the fuck you want with your money.

Former colleagues and friends use their money according to their interests. They don’t give a toss what others think. One breeds llamas on her hobby farm, another has her own pottery studio. Another owns a retreat centre. Their vehicles are mostly a few years old but nothing flashy and they holiday in fairly down to earth places. They are more focused on quality time with family than impressing acquaintances.

So don’t squander your opportunities by feeling inferior. Decide what you want from your life and spend / save accordingly. Ignore others.

Very true. Why should you care about what other people earn or their opinion of you?

They aren’t my peers they are most definitely my superiors

nope sorry it’s not that I feel entitled to what they have, they aren’t less deserving than I. More that I feel like I should be better than I am. But thanks for your feedback

It was much wanted

Finance and I’m in my mid 30s

Ok well then why not focus on the positives… you so much wanted a third pregnancy and now you have that, how blessed are you?! There are women in this world who yearn every day for a child. Focus on the positive.

Your workplace sounds toxic. These people are your colleagues not your friends. Here is a reason to go in, do your hours to the best of your ability, and share as little of your personal life and aspitations as possible. Grey rock.

@Conundrummum123 You're on a high salary yourself, and yet, you have made a completely bonkers thread trying to portray yourself as a "middle earner." The majority of people would love to earn £60k a year.

You are not a middle earner. Middle earner would be £35 - 40k.

Exactly! There are people working minimum wage jobs and struggling with infertility be grateful for your children your job pays better than the majority of people, there will always be someone richer!

They sound awful- completely out of touch and snobby. Why are you comparing yourself to such morally vile people? I’d relish not being anything like them tbh. Do not let them get to you.

We’re on 150K+ (not that it bloody matters!) and you wouldn’t know it because we live fairly modestly and plough lots into our pension and savings. We both went to state school and holidayed in caravans. What you earn doesn’t define your value as a person. It’s a shame they’re too shallow and unemotionally intelligent to know that. I’d feel a bit sorry for them.

I’ve seen between 38-60k is a middle earner salary.

Newly single mum on £19k and no CMS 🙋🏻‍♀️

Bigger irony still it was me… we had secondary infertility which I’m now interpreting as a ‘sign’