To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

Well first of all, I find the views of the people you work with utterly repulsive. I'm not sure I'd even be able to work with people that. To me, those people are the losers and I certainly wouldn't give a shit if they didn't respect me and the way I lived my life.

I have also had a very different response to you when I've read the threads from people who are on 6 figure salaries and still complaining about their lot. Far from feeling like a loser for being on much less than them, I feel like I'm the one winning and they're the ones who are missing something fundamental about life. If you're not happy on £150k, you won't be happy on £250k or £350k. If you are the type of person who is always comparing yourself to others rather than appreciating what you have you will never, ever be happy because there will always be someone with more than you.

I'm 45 and on £40k a year, working FT as a nurse. I'm a single parent with two DC. I've got family/friends who earn a huge amount more than me. I also know plenty who earn less.

I look at the important stuff: me/my DC are healthy, happy and safe. I'm very lucky in that I have the ability to go out and work, I've had an education/training and can carry out the activities of daily living without need of help. Sure we don't have expensive holidays or designer goods. Our house is rented and not very big at all....but I can afford to keep us going on my salary: we have a secure roof over our heads, food in the cupboards and can afford to keep the house warm. Me/my DC enjoy a huge privilege that many don't have. We go away camping for our holidays. I save up for bigger purchases but we muddle along quite nicely living frugally.

My salary/earning potential is down to my career choice...but - on the whole - I am very happy in my job. Of course, we all want to earn more in our jobs (who doesn't?!), but I'm very lucky. OP, you have the important stuff covered. That's a huge win!! The rest is just fripperies and the "would be nice to have" stuff. Sod what others say - the ones who look down on others. My parents always said that you don't judge a person by the money they earn, the car/house they live in or the job they do.

My income is around a fifth of yours. I rent. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and all my physical needs met. I have 4 wonderful adult children and a ridiculous cat. I'm rich beyond belief.

Count your blessings. They're not monetary.

PS FWIW, some of the wealthiest people I know don't flaunt their wealth. They drive older cars, they don't wear designer clothes, they don't go out all the time etc.

My dad was on the exco of an energy company and I went to private school, my mum was a childminder. We went to Walt Disney world at least once a year, sometimes twice, cruises, etc.

So you grew up rich. However, you sound like a kind, considerate person who wouldn’t think less of those in a lower earning bracket than yourself - or those with a more modest lifestyle? I think if you wouldn’t think any less of other people in those circumstances, you should also be kind to yourself and not feel like a loser, or guilty, for not taking your kids to Florida twice a year.

If they are clothed, fed, loved and taught to work hard in life, that is already a huge success for you as parents. I don’t think there is nothing wrong or unworthy about your life. Your colleagues sound awful!

well what did you say ? Did you speak up.and challenge the narrative ? these type of people are to be pitied really. Imagine thinking that people are only worth as much as they own or can afford to buy. They must be v miserable vacuous peole who will be constantly comparing what they have with others and panicking incase they fall short. Nothing to envy in that at all.

I'm 55, earn £30k working part time in DH's business. Never had an urge to climb the career ladder, I just work to pay the bills. With higher salaries comes higher stress and commitment.

I'm however extremely proud to have raised 3 wonderful DC, who are all happy grounded and confident adults with settled lives and busy making their own way in the world. I'm loving being a grandmother too, it's such a gift to have little ones in the family again. We've got a lovely home, 2 amazing dogs and I feel incredibly blessed. My family is my all.

We’re similar ages and similar income to you. We feel fortunate that we have a good income, can afford to give our DCs a good quality of life with experiences and holidays, and can afford to save for their futures and our retirement. We couldn’t afford the standard of life we want for them if we had a third child though, so we made the decision to stick at 2 DCs. You’ve decided to have a 3rd, which is a perfectly fine decision but obviously that comes with the consequences of having to pay for 3 DCs and your income won’t stretch as far.

You must be new to MN

Private school won't compensate for having judgemental twats for parents.

So very true

Money comes and goes
sometimes you have it, sometimes you don’t
watch “sunscreen” on youtube

Tbh it does

It’s pretty uncomfortable for me as well as people below given they are so significantly snr to me. I have chimed in with a reminder that we all operate to different budgets and different priorities and then personal anecdotes about how my kids found a holiday to Butlins the best that they’ve ever had and they’ve been to Florida and Dubai. But it doesn’t really take the sting out too much, damage is done really

I think the problem is that your values are telling you that outward signs of wealth (designer clothes, going to the Canaries, etc.) are your measure for being a success or a failure. Your values are skewed. Those are not the markers for success - it might be what you want but it's not what many people of your peers would want.

I also think we are all in life for the long game. You are in a life phase where there's unlikely to be much surplus cash, with 2/3 kids. That too will ease over time.
I didn't have much cash in my 20's and 30's but stuck at it and earn a lot now and kids are grown. Things change if you keep on course and stick at it.

Most parents want to give their child the best start in life, but that doesn’t mean a private education. It does mean children who are loved, cared for, supported in school and other activities. It means consistency from parents, boundaries and discipline. Buying advantage for your kids is meaningless without compassion and empathy, which the people you work appear to be lacking.

Well before conceiving I thought if it happens it will be fine, the lifestyle costs won’t really escalate as the middle will be in school so the childcare will be about £150 more more expensive than today and holidays for an under 2 are free, so I’ve got 3 years basically to step up financially but now I’m just flipping panicking myself

The irony is, when I was on private school I thought I was poor. We had 1 car because my mum was a childminder and didn’t need it, it was a BMW that wasn’t changed every year. I remember going to New York and staying in time square (in a chain hotel, a Hilton maybe) and getting a lot of side eyes that it wasn’t the plaza

So, do you think I’m a right loser? I’m a single mum, earning just over £25k a year, working 40 hours a week. I live in a small flat, haven’t been on holiday in seven years. I bet you don’t think I’m a loser at all (I’m not 😁) Extend the same grace to yourself. You’re doing great.

@Conundrummum123 you have horribly unpleasant work colleagues then!
When I have come across people who earn very well, I find they're more likely to be nostalgic about 'simpler times', obviously forgetting that there is hardship that goes with that. The people I tend to meet in my sector are more likely to be (genuinely) self made rather than come from money though, so I'm not sure if that makes a difference. Eg even if they were comfortable growing up they wouldn't have been wealthy, and their grandparents or extended family would have known harder times.

The Thing is though everything is slightly more expensive so it adds up to a lot. £150 extra for childcare, entrance fees for days out and things like soft play once they are walking, food, holidays once they are 2 and even before that taking into account transport food and activities, school holiday activities, clothes all add up. Then saving for their futures, contributions to things like house deposits go 2 is manageable but 3 is spreading it a bit thin.

I used to compare to others, feel inadequate, frustrated, angry I never earned as much as my "potential."

A few years ago I worked out I was in the top 10% if not 5% of the world. I earn less than you but we both have homes, can afford to heat and repair them, and never go to bed hungry. Someone will always have more than me, but I always have enough.

If I ever think like a "right loser", which I still can, I remind myself of that.

There is so much more to life than money! You need to stop comparing yourself to others and concentrate on happiness, not material possessions. It also sounds like your workplace is very toxic. Maybe look at changing to a different workplace and working on appreciating the small things in life. There are no pockets in shrouds. Happiness is the ultimate wealth in life.

When I was a kid I thought I was rich. A free school meal card that I didn’t know I had because my family were poor I thought we were richer than the other people having to eat their mums crappy cheese sandwiches while I had baguettes from the canteen. I seriously thought my mums paid a lump sum for that every September lol
I also thought I was rich because my mums was a clean freak and our house was far cleaner than all my friends kind of like a show room.

Its all perspective and mindset just think of the people back in plague times who were lucky to survive childhood and had to shit in a hole in the ground.

I think if you get into the mindset that money is the be-all and end-all you'll always be unhappy about how much you have. There will always be someone with more, something else to buy and something you can't afford. Comparison plays a huge part in this and if you're always socialising with people financially better off it's easy to forget that you're in a better position than most.

Your salary is good, but there are more important things. You have two beautiful children, and another on the way. Are you a good mum? Do you have a happy and loving relationship? Do you have hobbies, skills or talents? Are you a decent person who helps others? These are all a hell of a lot more important than what car you drive.

You're not a loser, you're just surrounded by unpleasant (wealthy) people who make themselves feel better by looking down on others.