To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

We have a high joint income (though do live in London so a mortgage on an 3 bed terrace eats a lot of that up). I drive a used Skoda, DS goes to state school, we go to the Canaries on holiday as well as caravan closer to home and we definitely do not wear designer.

I'm probably being snobby but quite honestly your colleagues are the losers. If you think a range rover, the Maldives, a designer handbag and sneering at those who do life differently (for whatever reason) makes you classy then classy is something you most definitely are not.

I think I also can’t help but compare what I grew up with as a child, even though at the time, through a lack of understanding of the real world I thought it was meagre, and now I feel so guilty I can’t give that to my kids and likely never will be able to.

we can’t really afford to move house so that’s stressing me out too

I’m on minimum wage and have never felt like a loser.

Poor you OP. Sounds awful

Why do you think that you should be doing better then? What makes you different to the Mother who'll be cleaning the hospital that you will be in? What makes you better than the Midwife, who you earn more than? You must think that something sets you apart from those that earning less.

This is much more prevalent than I had thought, simply as I don’t do this.

there are always threads on this, in recent days someone feeling they should get slim and strong as women on weight loss injections, someone else feeling embarassed as they don’t have much money following a thread on nice things people buy, I see repeated threads on how do they afford their house, the things in their house, their cars their life styles, jealousy is a really big issue for people.

i read and commented on the thread you are refering to, I was disgusted by it, there is a tone of gloating and wanting to show off about it, when she doesn’t earn the money, and her claiming she’s worked hard to have that sort of income. It is really distasteful,

My husband and I are both professionals earning over £100k. While this is successful in one metric, of my social group the couple who have the nicest lifestyle (imo) actually earn the least.

They live in a small but beautiful old cottage overlooking a valley, they were able to buy relatively cheaply a few years ago and do up themselves, and with an inheritance are now mortgage free.

They are both writers and have total time flexibility. They have one child who goes to an excellent village state school a short walk from their home. Because of their work life they have never needed to pay for child care, can share one older second hand car and both work from home. They buy all their clothes and furniture on eBay /charity shops / vinted. Their outgoings are tiny.

They love their garden, grow a lot of their own food, cycle, walk their dog and enjoy camping holidays and European breaks, and are always creating lovely craft projects. Because they take pleasure from the simple things in life they don't actually need to earn very much to have a lovely lifestyle.

My husband and I earn well but are time poor. This means we sometimes eat out as too tired to cook, have spent a fortune in child care costs when our children were younger and bought new for the convenience when we could have saved money if we had the time to search for good secondhand. We have a bigger house and we have new cars each but I sometimes wonder who is truly the "richer" in overall terms.

A long rambling post but my point is income is only one measure of true wealth. Having minimal stress, low outgoings / no debt, quality time as a family, and control over your own time is something I would value more as I am getting older.

A PP way upthread mentioned MH and I do think that's a good lens to look at this through. You sound so down. And tbh my MH would be in the toilet working with that lot day in day out!! They sound like such an odd bunch! Sorry if I've misunderstood your comment about the plaza but is this sneering something you've been subjected to since childhood? Who side eyed you for staying at a chain hotel?

You sound like you're doing doing amazingly well in life to me FWIW

I feel and this was instilled into me young, that for all the money spent on my education I’ve wasted it, I ‘should’ have done more, been more, been better than I am. That I’m not able to give my kids what I had, that creates a sense of failing and guilt.

your inferences that I look down on peole in other professions is wild.

Oh that was just an example of how out of touch the school and therefore my upbringing was. Where in reality to go to New York and stay in time square is really flipping cool but I remember being so embarrassed about where we stayed and then pretending we stayed a few nights in the plaza after the side eyes.
genuinely thought I was poor or ‘working class’ and ‘struggling’. Barmy I know but that was my only reference point, people who’s families were objectively a lot more wealthy than mine

I earn a lot less than many mentioned here, i have booked a caravan at the edge of the sea in my favourite place in the summer , i will be as happy as a pig in muck.
If i ever hit the big time i may even buy a caravan in my favourite place, i don't give a shiny shite what anyone thinks and furthermore i wouldn't even want to be in the company of people who would sneer at my choices.
Also i bet some of your colleagues are up to their eyes in debt from trying to keep up with their sneery friends , i'm not.

Wow sounds like you were brought up surrounded by masses of wealth and kids can be very cruel! Secondary school is tough at the best of times without feeling looked down on! I'm sorry you went through that.

That's their world though, you'll be miserable trying to live in it. Your life sounds lovely

I earn less than half of what you do but I don't feel like a loser. I grew up in deep poverty and I'm proud of myself and my siblings - we've all got good work ethics, and we all make around the same salary with varying levels of education. Our lives are pretty stable and I try to count my blessings because things can change out of nowhere. The hangover of my childhood is that I always expect that change which is hard to live with but overall, I feel like I've done ok considering where and what I come from. With many people who earn more it's a combination of privileges I would never have had, and choosing paths that I never would or could have. Relatively speaking people who earn double what I do, own their home, can give their child a better financial start could make me feel like a loser but it doesn't. I've worked hard to pull myself up and have always been self-sufficient, including when I've had to make sacrifices due to low income. A large part of my stability comes from the contribution of another adult because I was fortunate enough to have a child with someone who didn't turn out to be an actual loser. I am privileged compared to some others, compared to my own mum, and I recognise that.

You maybe "only on 60k" but you have a conscience and point out(call out) when ppl are being sneery. I would have you as a friend a million times over one of the sneery wankers. You are doing great, and have a family which you can't put a price on.💕

I actually feel incredibly lucky and often in awe that I somehow manage to pay for a house, a child in nursery and put some money in savings. We earn about 15k less than you combined and have a huge mortgage on our house in London, but I honestly feel SO lucky that we make it work. I do think its being surrounded by the right people - I found it hard with my NCT group last year as most of them are minted, but now I'm back to my bubble with similarly minded people.

I read the post you’re talking about in your OP and thought it was incredibly tone deaf!! A very wealthy person forgetting how privileged they are because to them it’s just the norm.

no need to feel like a looser because of it though. I earn less that you as does DH but where we live it earns us a good enough life that we are fairly comfortable and reasonably content. You’re doing just fine OP. You’re above average earners.

That is very very kind of you to say. Thank you

There is always someone with more

You are defining yourself using monetary value as the criteria. You need to broaden your perspective by your reckoning in also a loser - no!

When you have that level of income your are comfortable and secure (unless you are gambling) but it does not equal happiness or overall success as a person.

It’s so hard not to compare and so difficult to keep everything in perspective. Everyone seems to feel poorer right now, no matter how much you have it doesn’t seem to go as far.
I am in my 40s and have never had a job, it’s too late for me now. I have such severe fear of failure and struggle to focus on basic tasks that I had to learn to leave the house and speak to people (I’m one of those women the “why are some people so incapable of being grownups” threads are about- but worse). I had a small inheritance and live very cheaply-no benefits. It’s pretty miserable, and awful for my sense of self. I actually have a family, no one knows but them, to the outside world I have managed to appear normal, although doing so uses all my energy. You never know what’s really going on with other people, their circumstances could change tomorrow. You are doing ok OP :) Oh and people who humblebrag are bores- ignore and avoid.

There will always be people better off and people worse off. I think you're being unreasonable because I don't value people on their wealth. If you are kind, fun and healthy etc then what does it matter that other people earn more than you, it doesn't make them better (far from it). Yes money is important but it has absolutely nothing to do with someone's character or their self worth (excuse the pun). I once read a quote that said you can have a hundred problems until you have a serious health problem and then you have just one. You need to look at what's really important in life and appreciate what you do have.

Are you healthy @Conundrummum123
Are your family well and healthy?

Then you are wealthy. If you have your health you have wealth.
Be grateful.

Lots of people on paper look like they have it all or are "better off" than you, but you don't know what's going on in their lives. My nephew has a great house, busy social life, good job, but his wife doesn't want children and I think he's quietly devastated. My niece has a great job and flies all over the world but really wants a partner and a child. My sister has most of what anyone could want but worries about her kids and her husband is ill. Very few people really have a perfect life. It's about appreciating what you have I think. If you constantly believe " if I only had X/y/z, I'd be happier, you never will be happy!

Honestly it's just insecurity. It comes through in OP's post too (sorry OP!)

We are having a caravan holiday this year. If anyone sneered at me for it I'd just feel really sorry for them to be honest. Your colleagues looking down on those using state school are the biggest losers of all!

We have a good life. We can feed and clothe ourselves, give our children the odd holiday, we're paying off a mortgage and have a little bit to add to savings at the end of each month. I earn £27k a year, DH more but there'll always be someone with newer, shinier things a bigger house or more expensive holidays. I doubt it makes them happier than DH and I though. We appreciate what we've got, have fantastic children and are still very much in love.....and are secure in ourselves.

The people I aspire to be like are my aunt and uncle. They live in a tiny flat on a small pension but they are still madly in love with one another, are kind and are content with a simple, quiet life. They've won the lottery of life in my opinion! If you keep looking over your shoulder at other people you miss what's right in front of you.

My children are healthy, although currently worried about my eldest and she’s awaiting her hospital app.

dh is healthy, In the grand scheme of things I am too although I have a few chronic conditions that are rather unpleasant (IBD) , but in the grand scheme of things. Yes I am healthy and for that I do feel incredibly lucky and fortunate

I earn £30,000 and suspect I'll be divorced or at least seperated by the end of the year. I'm 48. I'm the loser! 🤣