To feel like a right loser- anyone else?

[Conundrummum123]

I read the posts of my household income is £250k a year but we have a 5 yr old Range Rover, I’m not well off, I know you shouldn’t but I can’t help but compare and just feel so inadequate.

i also work in an environment as a (lower) snr manager surrounded by heads of, directors and exco who regularly talk of their life and lifestyle, sneering at people who go on caravan holidays, use state schools, go to the canaries on holiday, only wear designer clothes etc. And god I feel like such a loser, and the irony of oh well if you paid me more I’d be able to do those things too.

I’ve tried my best to work my way up the ladder and I earn £60k plus bonus (I’m in my mid 30s) and DH is about the same (bigger bonus) so we earn about £130k a year which it’s crazy that I feel like a loser but I just do. Do any other middle earners feel the same way? And then feel ridiculous about it given that so many are struggling with the CoL. It’s this weird duality of feeling like a loser and then feeling stupid for it. All salary gains have basically been eroded by the rise in everything.

i also can’t move on job wise as I just found out im pregnant with my 3rd (im sure that is playing into my feelings too)

If you think that you should be better, then you are also looking down. You think that you are better because you went to private school, so deep down you agree with them. Perhaps remind yourself that the people's hands, your life and your newborns life will be in, earn less than you. You must think that the catering and cleaning staff are pure scum. Try to not let your arrogance show. These threads do remind us that higher earners aren't any more intelligent, or can think more critically, than some of the lowest earners.

All the more reason to be grateful yes, I too had secondary infertility. My ds is now 10… if I buy some miracle fell pregnant tomorrow, I honestly wouldn’t keep it, I don’t feel guilty in knowing that fact. I’m happy as I am, I’m very grateful for what I do have.

that’s not me saying that you’re doing the wrong thing by the way, you do you, do what makes you happy and if this is what you want then isn’t that amazing ❤️

I’m a teacher. I earn £48k. I have 2 teens, a mortgage and an injured dh earning very less than me atm. I am living pay check to pay check and feel like I’m sinking most months.

There are TAs in my school on half my salary and living a much more lavish lifestyle than me!… Holidays abroad more than once a year, designer clothes, fancy new cars etc.

They are mostly in their 20s, living at home with very little outgoings. A couple of them are at the stage of buying a house and settling down… their circumstances will change soon enough. They just don’t realise it yet.

My point is…. Comparison will just eat you up. Everyone’s circumstances are different regardless of salary

To be honest, going to Dubai and Florida are not the type of holidays I’d be envious of. Yes, they may be expensive, but they are a bit shallow and somewhat lacking in culture.
I’m more envious of people going to places like New Zealand, Japan and Vietnam, with beautiful scenery, amazing food and a deep rooted culture. Japan and Vietnam are both amazing by the way and I’m saving up for my trip to NZ

Erm that’s a lot of inference I most certainly do not think that people who didn’t go to private school are worse than me. I actually loathed my school, it was one of the most awful awful experiences and not one I’d ever wish on anyone.

your point on cleaning staff is baffling

You lost me at suggesting that 250k isn't a big inheritance. That's life changing for most people I know. Including if you're in an expensive part of the country.

Ahh finance. Your colleagues draw their self worth from how much they make, and displaying that wealth in visible ways. Not every workplace is like that.

Sometimes it is a few execs setting the tone, with other colleagues falling into line. The culture can sometimes improve if certain people leave.

But the good news if you can’t wait is that finance skills are needed in all kinds of industries. I would advise to put your head down, engage minimally with them unless it is directly work related, and make plans to move to a less toxic workplace in the future. Make sure you use Linked In and start exploring and making connections.

Oh I will be leaving and what’s odd I’ve worked in many different firms in finance and never heard this sort of discussion at the big big banks, there is a tone deafness. The irony is that they try to pay people as little as possible too.

but yes I’m hoping for a promotion and then I can use that job hop after mat leave. Although I feel as though if I don’t secure that promotion prior to announcing my pregnancy it won’t happen.

Your twattish colleagues sound like the losers to me.

To be clear those were examples I used to illustrate how kids (my kids in those examples) often prefer the ‘cheap and cheerful’ holidays over the ‘expensive’ ones and the kids who had just come back from park dean probably thought it was the best thing since sliced bread and that’s really want it’s all about making memories

On £60K a year you are far from failing in life.

Mumsnet can often make it look like it is common place to be reaching £100k+ salaries, but in most areas and walks of life, the majority of hard working people will not reach your salaries, let alone the £100k+

Just look at your company, how many are sitting in that top table, then how many work there. There isn't enough room at the top for them all to take a turn at the table is there.

Your bosses sound like dicks by the way, awful people. Money can't buy class.

I done a luxury 5* long haul holiday years back, my boss said you will never want to do an EU holiday again after that. Well I have done many EU breaks since, love the freedom you have being able to venture freely in safer destinations, even if i won the lottery that will never change. Also got a caravan holiday booked for spring this year. Those arseholes may hate those type of holidays as they are not status brag breaks, but there are many people who actually love them for the freedom and a good base to roam

But I’m in that place wondering if it’s the right thing all things considered, which considering it was much wanted, I can’t believe my mind has been going there

DH and I both work in healthcare, we have never been Mumsnet style high earners, but we do have fulfilling careers, a nice house, regular European holidays, healthy and happy children and a good quality of life. I would rather have all of this than designer clothes, top of the range cars and endless exotic travel.

The one upmanship and boastful comments on here can be tiring to read.

You have a weird definition of "middle."

Last time I checked, national average was about £39k.

If you don't see why there's a substantial difference between £39k and £60k, then I take it you aren't mathematically minded, right? Which makes me question how you got up to £60k in the first place.

Why is income so closely linked to being a loser for you? If someone sneers at a caravan holiday then they need to check themselves. I’d tell them to their face that they’re a materialistic snob who needs to learn some respect.

also the canaries is hardly the cote d’zur?!!! I think perhaps you need to just hang out with normal people.

You write a thread stating that you feel like a loser for having a household income of £130k yet the majority of people reading this will earn much much less. I'm not really sure what the purpose of this thread this and I can only see it as a way of making other people feel like shit or like 'losers'. You have massively lost touch and could do with some therapy.

lol I work in finance and maths forms about 50% of my job

No the sneer was at going to the canaries on hols not holding it up as the place to be… it was the opposite

You might be in the wrong field.

I think you have got a lot of issues related to money and identity/status that you should explore.

How much will make you happy? And whatever that number is… if you get there….
IF… then you’ll still be discontent.

You sound like you can’t afford to give your kids the same lifestyle you had. A lifestyle that was more privileged than most… but because there were kids with more, you thought of it as poor. Now you can’t replicate that ‘poor’ lifestyle, you’re feeling like a loser inspite of a good salary and £30k in the bank.

Either figure out how to triple your earnings… or get some therapy to find self worth in something other than money.

Self esteem wise maybe but skill wise I’m doing ok thanks

DH career 60 years ago we'd have a really lavish lifestyle - 30 years earlier then we started out we'd still have a big house - we have nice ex council house - younger collgeues often don't have house bought.

It's a mix of pay not keeping up, house prices going through the roof and terms and condition of career laddder changing - only really upper rungs are really good these days. Private school also gone way of housing much less accessible every year due to rising costs - most savy now cherry pick the outstanding state schools and pay more for housing.

Younger you are the harder it is to get the weath trappings. You must know you are in a really good place compared to most people on here and in wider UK.

Apparent the rich in US feel poor because they are comparing themsleves to the ultra rich - meanwhile middle class are disappearing and poor and in serious trouble.

Ultimatley finding a new job with less tone deaf collegues would be best - but till then think of them as out of touch.

Its all context isn’t it. Our household income is about 85k a year, both public sector workers. I’m as senior as i’m going i don’t want band 8- matron/management and DH is as senior in his role for the same reason. So little scope for increase in income.

Mid 30’s - feel comfortable. X3 DC youngest now at full time school. We manage x2 abroad holidays (usually AI 4/5star or a cruise) a year plus camping/ uk getaways inbetween. We have decent cars, nice clothes although not designer. And in all all lifes ok.

Totally how you frame it. Theres plenty who earn more than me/us, and if i wanted more stress, toxicity and burnout i could progress higher- but i couldn’t think of anything worse.

Alot who do earn more normally don’t see any benefit as it pays for a bigger/better house, bigger car, fancier holidays, or a chanel handbag. Or they’re working every hour god sends and don’t see their family. Its all priorities isn’t it.

I’m sorry you feel that way, but with children, you should aim to reframe your feeling of inadequacy/feeling like a loser. What do you want your children to value growing up? Where do you want them to derive their confidence from? How do you want them to view other people who have more or less? Do you want them to chase “looking rich” or building actual wealth?

We are both in finance, earn probably around 3x your household. Your colleagues would definitely sneer at us with our packed lunches, not extravagant holidays, cycling to work, and simple, “uniform” clothes. Your colleagues would never know that we have kids in private school, are mortgage free and are work optional.

Our kids know what our values are and it has nothing to do with our net worth. So much more to life that just displaying stuff you can buy. You would be surprised at how many people on large salaries live paycheck to paycheck.

I feel very rich as I have a wonderful family who make me happy, amazing friends and a busy and fun life. Our holidays are cheap and cheerful- aren’t we lucky to have them!
Try to value other things than possessions- like friendship, security, partnership. Then you will feel the wealthiest of all!