Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I became pregnant with him very young and for a long time it was just him and I. He had a terrific childhood. We had little money but we had a lovely house, we had local woods and beaches and cities that we spent time in. We would pick up cook books from our local charity shops and cook together dishes he liked the look of, one book was practically ancient and we’d have these truly camp retro dishes. It was so much fun. I thought I was teaching life skills getting him confident in cooking and I know I wasn’t doing the wrong thing intentionally but it does make me feel so guilty. If I’d have never pushed him into cooking with me maybe he’d have never walked into the restaurant. I go over things with a fine tooth comb in my head and try to assess where I fucked up, was I too honest and open with him or even though he loved my husband from being very little (DH and I have been friends for years before we got together) maybe I should have stayed single and given him my entire focus, but he loves his stepdad and siblings. I really don’t think it’s anything specific but the new friends and their ways of living that have changed him. Even vaping, he never did it once until the kitchens. It was a change over time and at first it seemed like a good change, he was more confident and making new friends and going out more. But then he was in his room more, grumpy. I knew then that it was drugs, he wasn’t a grumpy soul at all. It’s been almost 3 years of him being this new person that I don’t know anymore. I have offered to get him therapy, suggested he leave work and we can try getting him into uni, away from the work friends. He flatly refuses anything and isn’t ready to take any steps to better himself. One of his much older friends from work (he is only about 3 years younger than me!) introduced him to online gambling. His stepdad lost it a bit over that and because DH is usually laid back it did shock him a bit and he doesn’t discuss it as much so I hope he’s not doing that. As I said, the “friends” themselves are very nice. Always chatty and polite, not aggressive or rude, but their personality’s are just laid back, stoned and broke. No ambition, no drive. Actually speaking of driving, not one of them, (this is a £££ restaurant btw not Burger King) drives or has a car. I had saved up for his 18th birthday for driving lessons since he was born. On his 18th birthday with his money he agreed to get his provisional license and whatnot and I got the number of a great local instructor and said to call him. Instead his workmates all borrowed money from him and paid it back in sorting out his nights out or weed. All that money went. I know Mumsnet say gifts shouldn’t have constraint, but I was a single mum working 40 hours a week doing shitty jobs and I’d never had the opportunity to drive myself, I’m actually doing my lessons now so should pass by 40. He had that opportunity and pissed it up the wall. My son prior to the addictions was sensible, sweet and appreciated everything. Stoner son is entitled and has a victim mentality. I hate to say it.
Obviously I still love the bones of him and I offer as much support and help as I can. His stepdad has offered to teach him to drive, to help him do some studying to reapply for uni, even said that he will try getting him a job with him if he leaves the kitchens. He is too active in addiction to do that.
Sorry for my lengthy 3am trauma dump! But the industry is fucked up. I appreciate drugs are everywhere and nobody is safe from addiction if they encounter them, but I can’t help but think it’s a massive risk. My son and his fellow waiters/KPs are mostly stoners but the chefs are all heavy cocaine users. I’ve worked as a bartender, care assistant, in a pet shop and in a cafe and never once have I been offered drugs. My friends who are from hospitality industry have so many stories about drugs it’s crazy.
I hope your lovely boy friends joy in cooking as a hobby and leans into his science skills for a career. All the best to you both 💐💐