to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

That is shocking @achromaticdudgeon Absolutely appalling. So sorry you had to go through that.

Oh, they were very careful, and when I objected, they said they were mentioning the police from a general place of concern so the appropiate govenment agencies would get involved (thats what we pay or taxes for, right!?!)- they were at great pains to stress they didn't actually say that they were calling the police on me..... but as I had been involved in her care previously and things had now gone downhill it would be likley they would want to speak to me routine part of their investigations.

With the subtle hint of 'well, why would you think I meant you, unless you do feel guilty because you DID abandon them'

Honestly OP, I would save any guilt for your own children and family.
How much have they lost out on through you being free labour for so many in your family?
What income and holidays could they have had if you hadn't limited yourself so much by being used by awful people.

You family are truly awful people but knowing that they were using you and allowing it to happen, is unfortunately on you.

Your grandmother isn't even a nice woman?
I would talk to your children about this as they get older.
Do you really want them following in your footsteps of being used by horrible family, to the detriment of their own family?

Your family used you and didn't value you because you didn't value yourself, sadly.
You deserve better, so did your children.
Good luck.

What a bunch of ratbags.

My position was different in that I expected to care for my husband, but I just wanted his middle-aged children to step up and organise carers or a care home if anything happened to me, given my own health issues.

I know that the received wisdom on Mumsnet is that parents should plan their own care ahead but it's impossible to book a specific care firm or care home ahead in our area - the council/Social Services dept has first pick and it's a case of just being able to choose from what is available at the time, hence the need to have someone to advocate for you.

DH's son had agreed to be back-up POA who would take over from me "whom failing". He did speak to the hospital staff once when DH had his stroke and wrote one time when he was in hospital with kidney failure but always directed the medics back to me. (To be fair, the hospital always wants only one relative to be the point of contact.)

As I think I said above, when I had a health scare and phoned DH's daughter to explain that someone would need to put care in place if anything happened to me there was a blunt "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

With hindsight, I wish that my response had been a bit more robust.

The last I heard of her was when she phoned the solicitor to complain that her cheque had "bounced". It hadn't. She'd waited over a month before cashing it, presumably because she wanted to make sure that she couldn't challenge the will. The bank had stopped the cheque, fearing that there was some kind of fraudulent activity.

I'm sorry you went through that @achromaticdudgeon . Absolute bandits.

Gosh OP, you are bloody amazing for caring for that long! The rest of the family need to step up and/or she needs professional care. Please also consider your long-term security - National Insurance contributions, pension, provision for your own old age, that sort of thing. But you are 1000% not unreasonable to not take it on again.

Just to say, I have recently done the AA process and they came back really fast, I seem to remember I had to ring them to check they had received it as I thought I had made a mistake when posting, they were able to tell me over the phone they had received the forms and they had been accepted for the allowance, it was only a week or so after posting them off.

I think you should send the cfs a bill! The gall of them!

Seriously, point out how it has disadvantaged you financially. If dgm now needs a lot of help the relatives can also help her apply for attendance allowance. Wont cover the cost of proper, professional car, but it softwns the blow a bit

So….. since I have been MIA my Grandmothers DIL has been helping out. She is 76 and I think it is a lot to expect her to be helping with personal care so I raised again about a carer in a conversation with my Aunt.

DIL can still go obviously but in a visiting capacity not a caring one. And do bits and pieces if she wants too etc

Anyway, she has since had a fall (unrelated to Grandmother) and is now out of action.

So back to square one and no one is listening to me.

They are only interested in not spending money.

Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP.

The money is there. They can do the care themselves if they don’t want to use it.

In my experience this desire to save money doesn’t work out in the long term. I am ( fingers crossed) putting DPs into a care home today, one near us rather than them staying in their house an hour away. It’s costing a crazy amount each week - fortunately they have that money.
If they had been willing to take on my suggestions earlier in their journey about getting more care in the house ( we are in Scotland so they get a certain amount of free care, but quality is mixed and often they do as little as possible) they would likely have been able to stay at home a bit longer.

But that’s not your problem to resolve just continue to stay out of it.

This @cushionsareblue

Greedy money grabbing, leave them to it.

That sounds horrific and I reiterate that you are so right to have taken a step back. MIL situation was a bit different…. She was 90 and frail, living alone. All children supportive but not able to be there (all lived about 2 hours away). She had money but didn’t want to spend so much money on cleaners or carers. Fortunately my SIL is a strong minded woman and told her mum she needed to have carers and spend money. She really needed to move to a home but resisted it until she had a nasty fall. Until then her solution was the Dolly next door could help get her up. Dolly was 85!!!

Good luck OP.

Sorry Poppy, but I can't agree that her family are being borderline abusive to @cushionsareblue. They are being massively abusive towards her!

Stay strong @cushionsareblue they are relying on you giving in and helping. Leave them to it.

Stop involving yourself.
They don't want to hear what you have to say.
Accept that and step away completely.

Why would you expect to influence them if you can't even control yourself?
Stop involving yourself in this situation.
Drop the rope and step away.

OP, just keep on refusing. If things fail, which they probably will do, your grandmother will end up in a home and she will be paying for it. Everyone has been using you so please just keep your resolve and don’t let it bother you.

“They are only interested in not spending money.”

But it’s not their money. What they are actually interested in is protecting their inheritance, which, as you say they are all well placed, makes them a bunch of greedy chancers. The sad thing is that the person who is suffering is your grandmother - but DO NOT let the rest of the family guilt you into becoming her carer again. It’s worked out very nicely for them all so far: thirteen years is no mean stint, but it’s more than time for you to put your own family first and let your grandmother’s own DC take care of her.

interesting to see that her DIL is again not the immediate family who should be stepping up... this bunch of dicks will do anything to keep that money wont they! It'd be absolute karma if she leaves them nothing and it all goes to the dogs home

edit to say i included a quote! didnt mean too...

I would stop talking if nobody is listening-literally.

This isn’t your problem so it’s not up to you to tell them what to do. Withdraw from all discussion.

This!

OP if they’re not listening, stop talking and act instead. You can get in touch with your local authority adult social care department or local safeguarding team if you have one. Tell them the situation - that your GM needs care services but is refusing to accept the fact, and that her family don’t have her best interests in mind, resulting in a safeguarding issue.

Doing this triggers a structured, legal process designed to balance safety with the right to choose, if GM is deemed capable and not in danger as a result. There should be an initial assessment of the situation within 24-48 hours.

Social services carry out a safety check to assess if your GM is in immediate danger or at risk of serious harm. They will review the information you provided in your report to decide if it meets the criteria for a Section 42 enquiry under the Care Act 2014. This requires them to investigate if there are unmet care needs, and whether she is at risk of abuse/neglect, and cannot protect herself. It sounds as though this may be the case so it’s important to be as detailed as possible when reporting.

If there is no immediate danger, they will talk to your GM and other professionals to decide how to proceed, which is why you need to make it very clear that you have been coerced by the family into being her sole carer thus far and are not prepared to do it any more, because you have realised that you cannot meet her needs. This reinforces the urgency because in your absence it’s likely that no-one else is providing regular adequate care.

The Assessment Process involves speaking to your GM to understand her wishes, feelings, and the reasons for refusal of care. They will also assess her capacity to understand the risks of refusing. if she has capacity then generally speaking she is entitled to make unwise decisions, even if that results in health deteriorating or death. In this case, the focus will be on offering support, harm reduction, and persuasion to engage with appropriate care services.

If a mental capacity assessment determines she can’t understand, retain, or weigh up the risks, then they will switch to best interests decisions, which may include appointing an independent advocate if there is no lasting power of attorney to act on her behalf.

If GM lacks capacity, social services can arrange services (e.g., home care) against their expressed wishes, provided it is the least restrictive option. A meeting may be called to plan how to keep them safe, involving doctors, social workers, and sometimes the police. If GM is at risk of serious harm, or refusing to leave a dangerous environment, the council can apply for a removal order (in or use Court of Protection powers to take over welfare decisions.

This is the best option for you OP. You can then step back knowing that you’ve done everything you can to ensure GM’s welfare by putting her in the care of professionals who will take matters out of the hands of family if necessary. Your report will be taken seriously and treated confidentially. Adult social services will not disclose who made the report.

I hope you are still holding strong. X

@gallivantsaregood Yes and no!!!

I went back and did some personal care over the last two weeks as no one was doing it and it just wasn’t fair. However, it was on the understanding that I would personally organise a carer moving forward.

I haven’t discussed this with anyone other than my Grandmother as talking to her children gets me nowhere.

A carer is starting tomorrow.

They will only know if she tells them or they happen to be at her house when they arrive.

I feel happy with this outcome and hope this will be resolve a lot of resentment and animosity that I had.

Even though I only stepped in for two weeks, I know for certain that I cannot ever do this again unless an emergency situation arises.

Thank you for asking.

I'm glad you've arranged a xarer. I really hope you are not paying for it though.

Well done for making arrangements that will allow you to hold your boundaries. X