to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Not rude, just factual.

GPs are not obliged to record information provided to DWP in response to benefit related enquiries because those enquiries are not subject to the Access to Medical Reports Act 1998. It’s recommended that contact is recorded if a formal report is provided, but that’s not always the case - sometimes it’s a phone call, or a form to fill in. The GP is not obliged to inform you that the enquiry has been made if you’ve already consented on the application form, and they don’t have to give you access to the information provided before they send it.

Ah, OK, thanks. I guess it might have been a phone call but I was still surprised it was so quick and would also have expected a note on his records. I didn't expect the Dr to specifically contact us but thought there would be a note for completeness.

I know at least 2 younger daughters (by 10 years or more) where the family and mother have expected them to care for the mother. One lives with her mother and the other was carer for her mother. The first one the siblings aren’t bad with contact but rarely offer respite care, the mother has said she’d be in a home if her daughter wasn’t there. The mother won’t allow eg a cleaner in her house despite the fact that it’d help both of them. The other daughter her siblings used her as an unpaid carer for years and weren’t pleasant to her, she’s NC with them now.

Definitely get carers in. It’s too much for this sort of care especially with a family. The grandmother has money to pay for carers too, she’s just too tight to pay.

Sounds exactly the same as my friend. Her siblings were wealthy, one a solicitor and friend was black sheep of family getting pregnant at 15 and now in council house. Her mum actually wanted her to have more inherited money from her but hadn’t changed her will and by the time this could be done she had dementia.

Unless GM has lost capacity OP can’t just arrange for carers and expect GM to pay. If she signs anything on behalf of her GM she could be held liable to pay herself if GM refuses.

What’s needed is for OP to step back from her caring role and report a safeguarding concern to social services and request a care needs assessment.

The local authority has a duty to carry out an assessment if it appears the person needs care, regardless of the situation. A request can usually be made via the council's website explaining that the person has care needs and that you, as the current carer, are unable or unwilling to continue providing care and are stepping back.

If the needs assessment shows they need care, the LA will do a financial assessment to determine what, if any proportion of care fees they will pay.
If the person needing care has the money but refuses to pay, the local authority can take legal action to recover costs, or secure a deferred payment agreement charge on their home.

If the person is putting themselves at risk by refusing care, the local authority has a duty to intervene under safeguarding regulations. If they lack the mental capacity to understand that they need care, a capacity assessment can be done. If they lack capacity, the council can arrange care even if they object.

OP has no obligation to continue providing care, and involving the local authority will not only ensure GM gets the care she needs, but any other relatives with one eye on their inheritance will be unable object as the care assessment is legally binding.

This isn't going to sound very sympathetic even though it is meant to be.
You have said to all the relatives that you can't do this carers role anymore but they know you well enough to ignore you, because you can't resist leaving things alone. Otherwise, why did you tell them that someone else should be applying for AA and in the next breath you have actually made the application yourself?
( Saying you were in the best position to do it is just you trying to justify what you did)
You are playing totally into their hands.
If this were me I would draft an email, with a read receipt to all the relatives, her GP and Social Services saying that as of the next day this frail old lady needs a professional carer and you are not in a position to do it.
Say you are not her next of kin and state the names of the sons & daughters who actually are.
Let SS decide who they want to deal with. They will allocate a case worker.
Then I would block all the phone numbers of the relatives like the aunt who keeps guilt tripping you into resuming care tasks for at least the next month so they can't coerce you into doing it.
But of course that needs you to be mentally strong and put yourself first for a change. A period of total non contact is needed here to get your life back and put this care package on a more professional footing.

I’ve got no idea what the friend who became a carer did. Long time ago now.

This, with bells on
Let everyone know . If they become angry or upset who give a fuck . That is their issue
Please Op, just stop doing this
Bet they will all have a begging bowl out when it comes to the will, but they don’t want to do all the hard grind

Just a small update…

I have been contacted by x 3 family members (her children) on separate occasions to say that my Grandmother needs XYZ.

I have replied along the lines of, she needs a carer. I can’t do that.

I have not got involved in anything at all other than the AA form and that takes approx 12 weeks to get a reply.

I don’t intend to get involved in anything moving forward.

They don’t want to spend money so they need to get involved in the care.

I am not doing it anymore.

Well done, @cushionsareblue .

Well done OP. Stay strong on this and keep your resolve. When they next call to say Grandmother needs.... you could alternatively say "and why are you telling me this?" Then keep repeating...I'm am not her carer and can no longer provide care. Please don't ask again.

As I think I said above, at the point when it became clear that my late husband's children would not become involved in his care needs, I gave them the emergency number for the local Social Work department for use in the event of my becoming incapacitated.

ETA I wasn't expecting them to do the caring themselves.

Well done op. They want you to do the grunt work because they don’t want to do it themselves or have to pay for it.

You have done more than enough to help your grandmother and your so-called family should be ashamed of themselves.

If they want you to take over her care, that’s perfect. You can contact SS and organise carers for her. 👍

They can’t have it both ways. I would send one message to everyone saying you are not prepared to resume care and they need to stop asking you.

@cushionsareblue - well done. Just stick to your guns. I know it is hard to say no, but it isn't just best for you - it is also best for your Grandmother as maybe the rest of the family will realise that carers being paid to do the caring is the best way forward for her too.

They have a brass neck. Her actual children trying to bypass to a grandchild.. stay firm on this @cushionsareblue and keep repeating that you are not able to provide this level of care, and tell them to sort a professional.

I am determined to stay firm.

It’s very hard for me to say no to things in general and I generally get taken for granted.

I always get left with a feeling of guilt which I don’t like, so I do things I don’t want to do.

Since my Grandparents passed last year, it has enlightened me. It was never about money for me and I cared for my Grandparents because I wanted too and I enjoyed spending that time with them, however, they died and I have not heard from any of that side of the family since.

The house has been sold, their belongings have gone and they have a nice sum of money. I have absolutely nothing. Which isn’t want my grandparents would have wanted.

I am not prepared to do that again when in this case we are talking about ££££££ and I’m not prepared to line these peoples pockets.

Thank you for all your support in encouraging me to stay firm. It hasn’t been easy.

Well done OP, keep sticking to that line

Well done for setting that boundary and sticking to it.

Keep going @cushionsareblue and whenever you have a wobble come back and see how many of us are with you on this. Cheeky effers, the lot of them.

@cushionsareblue

Just be careful they don’t default you.

When I tried to take a step back, they deliberately let things fall apart—missing meds, appointments, and vital admin—just to force me back in. They even redirected the pharmacy, GP, and care agencies to my number, claiming I 'knew best' after looking after our relative for such a long period of time.

It was pure weaponised incompetence. They knew that anyone with a caring bone in their body wouldn't let a loved one suffer in a dirty or unsafe environment. They hid behind a shrug of, 'You are so much better at this than me' because it protected their time, money, and inheritance from care costs. If I stayed the "mug" doing the work, they could keep the status quo.

In the end, stepping back felt like exiting a bad relationship. While there wasn't a physical threat, on leaving, the emotional manipulation and attempts to re-entangle me were dialled up to the max of subtle judgment and strong-arm tactics designed to pull you back into a situation that serves them—regardless of the cost to you.

An example of this 'from a place of concern' They told me that they felt morally obliged to call the police to investigate under elder abandonment - because a relative 'expected care' and because it wasn't being provided.

There were several of these attempts to either publicly embarrass me via friends and family or mentions of consequences to try and draw me back into a position that they were happy for me to fill because it made their life easier, with absolutely no consideration of me or my life.

@achromaticdudgeon Oh, the "You know best..." was used with me. Even when it came to the funeral arrangements and DH's daughter wanted me to change something (for the funeral which she didn't attend).

On the one hand, she wanted me to change one of the pieces of music so that the celebrant would say that it was a CD that DH had played for the DGC. On the other hand, she didn't know what the CD was.

When I said I didn't have it, I was told use any piece for that particular instrument. When I asked for a name "Oh, you know best..."

@achromaticdudgeon I hope you told them that the police could just as easily have investigated them for 'elder abandonment'.