to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Does your CF aunt work? Does she have children-do they help?

I would go back to work full time and tell your grandmother you have been happy to help for 13 years but now need to put your own family first.

No, she has retired now.

One of her children helped for a bit, but phoned me and said she just couldn’t do it and she found it too overwhelming with her other commitments. They will visit though and do social things.

You are not been unreasonable. I can still remember when my mum expected me to help her to care for my grandma. At first i didn't mind. It was just a case of getting shopping. However i reached a point when i had to say get lost and my grandma had to get carers. Yes i did still see my grandma. I just couldn't continue to help care for her. I was expected to drop everything at the drop of a hat. It was like i couldn't even go to the toilet and i couldn't live like that.

You are an angel. You have gone above and beyond. It’s time for you to focus on your own needs now. Don’t let the rest of the family guilt you. They have been very selfish and made use of your selfless spirit. It’s their turn now.

So, why can’t she do if she’s retired!?

When people tell you they can’t do it because they are overwhelmed, you tell them you are as well. Man up and say no.

This and stress how much of emotional toll it's taken on you and how you can't continue due to your own mental health and it's time to find an alternative solution.

Of course your relatives will be annoyed- you have saved them many thousands of pounds by taking on the caring role.
Now it’s time , so please put yourself and your family first.
Do not get involved. Step away. Either they step up themselves or it’ll be paid care.

I think you've done 100 times more than many people would do already. So no, don't be guilted into it, you look after you now, it's your turn.

I have told them no and have been telling them no and that they need to get a carer.

Now my Grandparents have passed they are applying the pressure but I haven’t given in yet.

Today’s post was prompted by my aunt asking again and I thought perhaps I was being unreasonable as I could do it, I just don’t want too anymore.

Say no and do not relent! You have done MORE than you share! You sound like a lovely kind woman, concentrate on yourself and your family

You’re not Cinderella, honestly this is bordering on abusive. It has to end.

You don’t want to any more. That’s enough reason. Stay firm.

Not wanting to (after doing it for 13 years!) is enough of a reason. Your aunt can pressurise her own kids into doing it.

Your family sound horrible :(

The only person being unreasonable is your aunt, as she as asked again and applying pressure by doing so.

I would tell her no and ask her not to ask you again as the subject is now closed.

Hold these thoughts in your head and stand strong. I think you’ve been amazing to have done this for so long. Don’t let them beat you down over it and enjoy your life with your immediate family. Just say NO.

13 years is a long time - and I applaud you for doing this.

However, I think you have done the lion's share of caring responsibilities. The rest of the family need to step up and do their fair share, or, professional carers need to be bought in.

I find it absolutely incredible you are being expected to step up yet again. Keep saying no, and spend the time doing what you want to do with work and your own family.

They aren’t horrible as such, just very, very selfish.

They all have children who have really good jobs, beautiful homes, children.

For some reason they have a different set of expectations for me. I don’t really know why. They don’t even expect anything from my siblings.

I’ve never really had the time to analyse or think deeply about why I’m the person they expect to do this? Maybe, it’s because I just get it done or maybe it’s because the others would just say no.

They have never taken on a caring role so have absolutely no idea how exhausting it is mentally, emotionally and physically.

I never, ever thought I would ever be providing my grandparents, particularly my grandfather with personal care, ever. I wonder if they just can’t do it, so have passed the buck.

Just wondering.. are you the eldest daughter?

Say no and do nothing. They are her children - responsibility should fall on them, not you. Don't agree to arrange carers either, because if that falls through, you will be held responsible and expected to pick up the slack. You have done enough, now stop,

I would spell it out…’you are not prepared to care for your mum yourselves and you don’t expect your children or my siblings to do this, so why do you think I should single-handedly do it? You need to organise carers.’

Don’t offer to organise it as you’ll probably end up paying for it as well.

I think it's time for you to think about yourself & your family.

This must have impacted them as well.

Yes and the eldest grandchild.

"No, I don't want to. I need to concentrate on my career and my family. Tell her I'll drop in for a cup of tea next time you're there."

Imagine you do let your (CF) relatives guilt you into this. What will you say to your own children when they ask where you were during their childhoods?

Only do it if you get paid to do it and if you want to do it.