to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

My advice to you is to take time to put yourself first.

I have looked after my Grandfather as a teenager, my mum, my dad and my stepmum and people stood back who had equal if not more moral responsibility to help and left me on my knees. I ended up in that positive because I guilt tripped myself (as you are doing) when others suggested to me, that help was needed. On each occasion there were other solutions to be had but that would cost someone money (potentially lost inheritance), or the elderly person concerned did not want strangers looking after them.

You are spending less time with your kids besides the rest of the toll on your life and its time someone else found a solution, you have done more than your fair share.

Do not feel guilty about it, you have done your share.

Just say no-they can’t make you.

I would speak to your grandma and explain as well.

You are not unreasonable at all.

You have done more than all of your family put together.

Your extended family sound selfish and greedy - selfish for putting the burden of ALL of the elderly relatives onto you, and greedy because they are all doing it to make sure they get maximum inheritance.

They are treating you like some sort of Cinderella character/doormat. The fact you sent a text to them all when you were overwhelmed and every single one of them ignored it should tell you the true characters of these people. They don’t care one bit - but they expect you to care for everyone. Put yourself first now with zero guilt or shame, you’ve done more than your fair share.

The more that the OP does, the more that will be expected of her. The only way is for her to stand firm.

Those of us who have been in the OP's position make the mistake of thinking that others will be reasonable. They won't.

To them, it's 'reasonable' to think that the erstwhile carer will do everything while they sit back and continue to have their uninterrupted lives. There will always be some reason why it has to be that one person and not them.

Well said.

Stay strong, OP.

ETA if you would find it easier to have an excuse (though NO is enough!) then say you are increasing your hours at work/applying for full time jobs so you no longer have time unlike the retired people

I would be making it more diffcult for these cheeky relatives to harass me and not returning calls promptly. Even smartphones can be on charge, our of power or in another room.

Absolutely say no to any further caring. They either do it themselves or get a professional.

The cheek of them!

And you should feel free to go and visit but say no to any jobs.

You’re not their skivvy!

Yes these are all good reasons!

I keep coming back to this thread because it resonates so much. In my experience the more that you do, the more that is expected of you.

In my case, I realised to my horror that my husband's kids and his ex expected me to be the carer for DH's ex. (I felt sorry for her when her partner died and offered to take her to hospital for a procedure when the kids failed to step up, so that was partly my own fault.)

If the OP relents and does even a little bit, they'll all just expect her to do the lot.

You've done an enormous amount and your family ought to be extremely grateful. Sadly, they only care that you've stopped doing it.

Please put yourself first from now on. If your family complain, you could remind them of the big hit to your career and finances and say that you need to save money for your own family and prepare for your own future. Don't let them guilt trip you.

Versions of this (thankfully not as long as 13 years) happened to me.. an older ill friend who I'd taken to hospital several times -over several months- her immediate family (who lived within 20 minutes) then assumed I was default carer and happy to help with showering... 😱 Nope...! And also happy to help organise others 😂 😱 😱

I loved spending time with her... But I was NOT going to be her carer doing intimate tasks several times daily... One of them had the cheek to say if they got carers to help woth showering it would 'cost a lot of money'....

So they can't be arsed/don't want to care for her and also don't want HER money, which they clearly only view as THEIR inheritance so want to guilt trip and bully you into doing it for free. They sound like digesting people, basically vultures.

I've worked in care for a long time. I used to go to my grandparents to help them get ready before dropping my son off at nursery and going to work as a single parent. Then helping them get ready for bed after finishing work and picking up my son. I agreed as a stop gap awaiting a care package but time went on and on. My grandpa had a fall and required respite care, then my grandma had a fall and had a hospital stay. They both had capacity to make their own choices and decided they would feel better in a care home with 24/7 support should they fall again etc.

That was their choice, my uncle like me believe others should live their lives as they choose, deciding which options suit them best. My other uncle and my father could only think about the money, said they were throwing it away. They weren't, they spent it with peace of mind and spent it in the way that would benefit them most. My grandpa has now passed away and my grandma has nearly lost her sight. My dad and uncle recently spoke about "moving her in" with one of them with carers visiting. And asked if I'd help with the care. I said it wasn't relevant whether I would or wouldn't because she likes where she lives, adores the staff and likes the company. My sisters who live a couple of minutes down the road can't be bothered to visit never mind anything else.

Your grandmother needs to pay for care if she needs it which of course can be in her own home. If you're worried about things like self neglect you can call adult social care who can signpost you to support.

You've done amazingly well but you shouldn't have such a burden on you when you also have your own career and young family. Even if you didn't, not wanting to is perfectly valid. Caring for a family member is so different to caring professionally. It's all consuming. Best of luck to you xx

Time to think of yourself for a change. You have more than done your bit.
If the family can't manage then they will have to pay for a carer.

After reading this yesterday, I did look again at Attendance Allowance but due to there being no illness as such, just mobility issues which are impacting her, she isn’t eligible to claim.

The thing is, and I might get flamed for this, I think it would be unfair for her to claim.

She has lots of money, good pension and a wage if you like, from a business she still owns, therefore has more money available than she could spend.

I looked again, thinking, that if she was eligible, the X £ could be put towards Y carer costs.

It just feels so wrong, to take from the NHS pot, when you don’t need too and you are being tight fisted over your care to give ££££ to your kids who hardly do a thing for you.

Carers allowance is also a no go as above the £196 a week threshold!

My cousin was taking our Grandmother to an appointment but had double booked and couldn’t do it, so rang to let me know - I am one of two contacts for all the appointments, so they phone me/aunt if I don’t answer and then I try and get others to do them if they can.

My cousin said, that she found it all too overwhelming and just couldn’t manage it as our Grandmother is difficult.

She did say, she had absolutely no idea how difficult it was getting someone of that age to and from appointments and how much time it took.

@cushionsareblue

My understanding is that you absolutely can get AA for mobility issues alone.

Care is very expensive. Your grandmother really should apply.

ETA If a private care company is used, someone can be booked to help take grandmother to her appointments.

@cushionsareblue
As @WearyAuldWummansays your GM can claim attendance allowance for mobility issues. The form is quite repetitive and you should describe what she’s like on her worst days. Age UK may be able to help with form completion and they know exactly how to describe the difficulties.
Theres no way you should be doing any more caring, you have done more than enough especially when other relatives (ie her children) just sit idly by. Stand firm. They should organise carers if they aren’t prepared to do anything themselves.
Your GM has I presum being paying atx all her adult life and therefore definitely entitled to claim attendance allowance.

@WearyAuldWumman @LeftBoobGoneRogue

I looked online and started filling in the form and it said something like “This does not include mobility issues”? I will look again.

My other issue with AA is that because she is so tight fisted, she will keep the money and not use it for carers and extra support.

Yes, this is the similar situation to what I was in.

My back is literally agony most days. I have definitely done some damage.

I’m quite a small person and lifting, showering etc has certainly taken its toll. Plus I have really aged.

The money issue does annoy me.

They see it as a waste. It’s not a waste. It’s for her care, it’s really what she’s worked for, to have a nice life, but while it’s free they have had an easy ride.

Well, you could - if you want - give her the name of a care agency and their prices. Most of those agencies do housework as well as personal care, so she might be prepared to pay them (to start with) just to clean for an hour a week?

The most useful word in the English language is ‘No’.

This is why you need to stop now.

Every single carer that I know has back and/or joint problems. I have back trouble and had to have a shoulder decompression after my husband died. (They remove a bit of bone in order to free that muscle and bursa that keeps getting trapped.)

Then there's the stress, the sleep deprivation...

That absolutely is an issue, but all the more reason not to get sucked back in.

Change is hard for anyone especially at 93 but I would try to think of her resistance to it as a necessary step in the process. Her resistance is not a reason for you to give in, it's not reasonable for them all to be asking this of you.

You absolutely deserve a medal for all you have done and done it so willingly. Your life has been on the backburner for long enough, time for you to tell your family enough is enough. You have your own commitments and they can now step up. Get yourself taken off the emergency contact list, say you will visit, do the odd errand if you are free but you are no longer a carer. If her daughter says she needs help dressing her then tough, who helped you? Sorry I know it sounds harsh and it's easy for an outsider to say but I went through similar with an elderly parent. I did nowhere near as much as you have done and I found that a struggle. It literally felt like my life was slipping away while my parent was totally draining me (I know I sound horrible) but I simply couldn't bring myself to say no