to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Yes it has.

I have always been there for them and haven’t missed anything important but they have spent ALOT of time watching me care for the elderly.

Ah yes... this is the special "privilege" of FOG. It's conditioning since childhood on my part.
Stay strong @cushionsareblue and say no.

How did l know she would be retired 🤣🤣. If you want something doing, then ask a busy person but that’s not your problem. I would decline and not be drawn into justifying yourself, as you don’t need to and that most likely will encourage them to try to talk you round / deny your reasons / guilt trip you etc. Sending sympathy as my relations try to get me to do the jobs they aren’t keen on, despite the fact l work full time, have 2 under 3 and my health isn’t amazing. Another vote to focus on yourself, your immediate family and career. Also sorry for the loss of your grandparents

You have to stay firm OP. Remember you have been amazing with your grand-parents and taken on the role of a carer takes it toll. Your family are being extremely unreasonable and unfortunately they arent thinking of you just the fact they are saving money. If they find caring for your Grandmother over whelming than they will have to pay for a carer to help out. You have to put your needs first and not let them guilt trip you on carrying on.

I am in the same situation and have been caring for my Mother-in-law for over 12 years. It started with helping her in her home and running two house holds, shopping washing, doctors appointments, bills etc but then she moved in with us 4 years ago due to a fall. She has been completely bed bound for over 2 years and we have carers helping five times a day. Without them she would be in a home and they are all amazing. It all started because I am also a carer and just thought I can look after her as she is the most beautiful lady you could meet. She is like a mum to me but what I didnt take into account, your life isnt your own. You are on call 24/7, seven days a week. I have three children, still keep my foot in the door with work two mornings a week which is a lifeline to me. My DH helps when at home so we all pitch in. I was concerned my dc's would miss out on certain activities and also I needed one to one time with them so the carers stepped in so we have family time and go on holiday. The cost is expensive but it is covered by my MIL home, savings and she has a pension. I feel your family know how much it costs and want you to step in again. I would definitely put your needs first with your family and your job. Start putting yourself first OP.
With my situation it wasnt like my Dmil suddenly became poorly, it happened gradually and over a few years. My heart was saying one thing and my head another but it was our choice to have her at home with us and we are lucky we have the support around us with the care company. Remember, you have helped out so much and I feel your family are taking you for granted. Don't let them guilt trip you into any more caring responsibilities. They can put their hand in their pockets and pay for help otherwise you will start to feel resentment and that isnt good. Take care, look after yourself.

Sounds like you have been trained over many years to believe this is your job and you must put others before yourself.

I would make a very clear statement to the whole family - as I have explained, I will not be able to take on any more caring responsibilities so if people have needs which they cannot manage, it is time to look for professional support. I am not open to discussing this and would appreciate it if you would respect my time and energy enough to stop making requests of me.

About 6-7 months ago just before my grandmother became very unwell and died, I sent a heartfelt message to everyone saying I could no longer manage and I was struggling to cope etc etc - They all ignored me.

Not one single reply, not even privately!!

Not even a message to ask if I was ok, the message was out of character for me as I’ve never done that before.

So I don’t really want to send a message again, I think I just need to keep saying no.

Wow!

You sound like a wonderful daughter in law.

That must have been tough, caring as a job and then caring at home along with everything else.

Well Done to you and I’m glad you have a supportive DH,

I have no caring qualifications at all. I work in admin.

Please continue to say 'no' OP. Your DF and your aunt will have to contact social services or engage private carers to help their own DM with her needs. Just as they are saying 'I can't do it/can't cope with the demands'; they should be understanding of you when you say the same! Why is it 1 rule for them and another for you?!

You can still be a good granddaughter without being a carer, in fact sometimes you need to take that huge step back in order not to start to feel resentment. Sounds like you’ve done more than your fair share.
Is your grandmother getting Attendance Allowance? That could go some way to paying for help, the basic rate is just under £80 per week and it’s not means tested.

I am very fortunate, my DMil is a lovely woman. We have always been close. When I decided to step in and help out my work were very supportive. We have alot of support around us now.

You sound lovely OP, but you have to start thinking of you and your family. Your Aunt can pay for carers to help out going forward.

Agree that you shouldn’t offer to find carers for her.

Grey rock
‘I’m mentally and physically exhausted by being a sole carer for 13 years. I didn’t get any response or help when I said I was at the end of my tether last xmonth. I can’t and won’t do it anymore. I need to give 100% to my family and career now. If you guys don’t want to take over then you’ll have to arrange for carers to do it.”

And repeat on a loop.

@cushionsarebluejust out of interest, when your cousin rang and told you she wasn’t going to help, what did you actually say? It feels like people view you as the HQ for care and are ringing you (like their boss?!) explaining why they won’t be helping, suggesting you will just have to sort cover elsewhere instead.

You need to remove yourself from this role. If anyone says they can’t help, say, ‘Oh, no me neither. Sounds like gran’s children will have to meet and decide what’s to be done now.’

You are so not being unreasonable. Stand firm and keep saying no. Its down to her family now how they deal with it.

Please put yourself first; it’s unbelievable that they would think that you should do this rather than organise professional care.

So they are guilt tripping you to do it so as not to eat into their inheritance?! Pricks of the highest order.

Stick to your guns. It's time for the rest of the family to step up and help.

My grandparents are in their 90s and I help with technology and medical appts. I'd happily do care but not to the detriment of my family - I know money isn't an issue and they'd look after me if I needed to look after them. Luckily my mum and uncles all chip in and help and they're able to wash and dress independently still. If they need carers they have the money for them. That's THEIR money not their children's. It should be spent on them

No is a sufficient answer, no need to justify, argue, defend or explain anything to them.

I think you definitely need to put yourself first now for your own sake and your family' sake. Youve had to decide not to pursue opportunities at work because of the long time youve spent caring.
Tbh they sound toxic given their lack of response to your message. Thats something more than selfish. Its totally unreasonable what they are expecting of you, and abusive.

Stay strong, xxx

You've done more than your part by the sound of things. It's time for someone else to step in or get a carer

The one percent vote must be an accident.. absolutely no way, you've done more than enough on both sides of your family. People do they're backs in working as carers. You deserve to do what you want to do. They are rude suggesting you go back to being get carer, they should thank you for what you have done. Do not give in. They can pay someone or someone else in the family can do it. Enjoy not having that responsibility. Get your feet up!

Apart from encouraging you to no longer doing any more personal care , I am annoyed on your behalf that you did not get any financial support for doing it . Could you have claimed any Carers Allowance? Tell your retired aunt to sort out her mother's care needs .

Your Dad won't care. It's something to do with having a willy that prevents him. There will be no other makes expected to care. Oh look the female relative with the career that's got the lowest social status won that job.

Examine the prejudices and snobbery in your family. It's not good. It never is and yes it follows a pattern of expectation.

You’ve given up enough of your life caring for people already. Say no, with no guilt at all.

I've always said that care of the elderly is a feminist issue.

This last paragraph is central to your argument...

I'd respond-what about something like? ...

"Dear Aunt

After caring for granny for 13 years and my other set of grandparents til their deaths recently , I can no longer restart this level of care.

I have done more than my fair share. I won't be changing my mind so please don't ask.

I believe Granny needs professional care.

The level of care provided has saved her thousands of pounds.

As a result of all the care I've given over 13 years, I've not been able to go for promotions /new jobs because of this. So my only family's finance has suffered.

I will of course still keep contact with Granny...

@cushionsareblue

I wonder if they expect you to do it because you offered (once! 13 years ago!) and because your job is “only” admin and the other grandchildren have “big jobs”? Doesn’t explain why the retired children can’t do it.

I agree. Stand firm. Enjoy your children while they’re still under your roof. You’ve done more than your fair share.