to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Stand firm and make sure you explain to your grandma that you love her and have loved caring for her, but you know as she understands, a young woman must look after her own children and family. now after losing your other grandparents, you realise all you want is to spend precious time with her where you enjoy each other's company, have lovely chats and meals together with your children too.
You could tell her that you've cut down on work and now need to work more as financially things are hard for you right now.

It's terrible because usually women get shoved into this role and then you get no financial recompense or usually passed over for inheritance as everyone just puts you in a silent sufferer role and doesn't care about making sure you're provided for or have anything as a thank you.

Tell your dad you're looking forward to him feeling as close as you did towards his mum by spending more time caring for her as you did the past 13 years. Say you'll be going over for social calls and maybe coffees out or trips to garden centre etc but nothing to do with dressing or showering etc.

You've done more than enough.

I cared for both my parents and my late husband. It's draining.

@cushionsareblue You deserve to have a life. Tell the other family members that if they want to save money, then they'll have to do it all. They can cover the next 13 yrs.

That sounds like my late husband's adult kids. They'd visit for fun things. Not so fun things like hospital visits? Nope.

They lived a distance away, but would fly up for family meals, etc. When DH was in hospital for a triple bypass, one of them actually cancelled a visit since there was 'no point' coming up when DH was in hospital.

At the time, I was working full time, caring for my parents...I was going to work, driving over an hour in rush hour traffic to visit DH, organising anything needed for my parents and driving to them, going home. Repeat.

One night, I fell asleep at the wheel of the car for a moment. Thank God I didn't kill anyone. WhenI got the cheerful phonecall from my DIL, informing me that they'd wait for my DH to be home before the visited, I could have wept.

When he had his stroke - and was in hospital for a total of 4 months - he did get one half-hour visit from one of the kids. That was it.

Tell the lazy sods to step up, @cushionsareblue . You've done plenty.

If anything were to happen to you, @cushionsareblue , you can be sure they'd be quick enough to get in professional carers.

When I became unwell, I phoned DH's daughter to let her know that DH would need care if anything happened to me. Her response: "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear, I phoned to let her know but reiterated that care would be needed if anything happened to me. "But you're all right, aren't you?"

It's just dawned on me how much of a bitch she was. Sorry for the bad language.

I think you're in the same position, OP - they don't give an eff about you. They did the work when they thought it was only temporary. Now they want out of it and expect you to save them money.

Honestly, I think it's time to make a social care referral to social work. You tell them that you don't have the physical, emotional or psychological capacity to provide any caring role, you've done it for multiple family members, concurrently for 13yrs and you are now in carer burnout. Explain no-one else in the family is prepared to take it on but give them details of your grandmother's next of kin and let them deal with it from here.

Big hugs! You have gone above and beyond for too many years. It's not fair to work yourself into an early grave with stress and exhaustion.

@gallivantsaregood

That sounds like good advice.

When I realised that I was getting nowhere with DH's kids - in terms of simply wanting them to make sure that he go into a decent care home if anything happened to me during lockdown - I finished up giving them the emergency number of Social Work and telling them (not quite truthfully) that in the event of my being incapacitated, all they had to do was to phone that number and give them DH's name and address.

I think that the OP needs to stress that she's 'only' a grandchild and that SW should be liaising with the children.

If you are pressured......responses include...i. am older now ..plus. my kids family now come first....there is only so much of me. This is the way it is going to be...then the backlash will be she only wants you or anger/ displeasure from family or being made to feel guilty. Repeat " like i said my family need to come first". Professional care is needed now.

@WearyAuldWumman I absolutely agree. Sadly I have been in this position, also as the granddaughter. Its not easy and I feel bad at times but I refuse to end up really unwell or dead due to trying to care for people who really are not my responsibility when I have quite a tough time caring for my kids who both have complex needs and who will need me to be fit and well as long as is possible to care for them. SS have stepped up, even managing to arrange things they were adamant they couldn't and had tried to pressurise and manipulate me into backing down

Tell them you’ve done your share and it’s their turn now. They can either organise external help or do it themselves.

absolutely don’t feel guilty!

Stand firm, OP. You really need to be the barrier yourself because your dad's family, apparently, has no shame.

Since you say you have loved your grandmother, don't regret the time looking after her and are worried you'll regret pulling away one thing I would encourage you to do is find the wherewithal to visit and not get sucked into doing jobs. Practice some phrases - If it's your grandmother asking then maybe try something like "I'll pass these on to dad. I'm just here to visit nowadays, because I love spending time with you.". If it's your dad or aunt asking then perhaps something like "I've done more than my share on that front, you need to put your own time in, not use me again.". Just keep saying to your dad, aunt, etc. "No. Stop using me."

and don't even organise care, they can do that too.

So I don’t really want to send a message again, I think I just need to keep saying no.

Or just ignore like they did you?

What a selfish bunch of users. You sound lovely and they have take advantage of you for years. I would definitely summarise in a text like the pp said. Definitely don’t back down

The more you try to give reasons, the more ammo they have to talk you round; they will find ways that your reasons are invalid or can be overcome.

You may have to block numbers and social media for a while, and keep saying no, over and over, more times than you could imagine.

They will try and pile on the guilt, but far better guilt, and prioritising yourself and your family, than resentment for being forced to capitulate.

Well done in standing up to them. Sometimes it feels hard to stand your ground in cases like this, so if you feel like (not that you should) that you need another 'reason' to throw at them, you can say that you have been doing some financial planning and you really cant afford not to step up at work for your own long term financial health AND helping your kids get set up. Guilt trip them, basically.

It’s SO common for relatives to be pressured or guilted into caring duties, either because it’s cheaper for SS, or because the elderly person doesn’t like (or won’t tolerate!) the idea of paid carers coming in. And (if self funded) because they don’t want to pay.

Sometimes it’s Social Services themselves doing the pressuring or guilting.

You honestly need to be super-strong in insisting that you are simply NOT prepared to do it any more.

I’d be re-sending the message and saying something like “I sent this last year and not one of you replied or asked how I am. I have put my own career on hold to help, for no recompense in terms of time, care or money. I have saved you an absolute fortune while putting me and my own family second. That is now at an end. Contact social services to get a care plan assessment and see if she qualifies”.

cheeky ungrateful fuckers @cushionsareblue

I would be inclined to say ‘I have done it for 13 years. I will be willing to consider starting again once every other family member has done it for 13 months. Please come back to me then, but not before’.

I love this!

You sound far too nice and unfortunately your horrible family take massive advantage of you. How dare they be too busy or above caring work themselves but expect you to do it all for free!

keep saying no, don't do any lists of jobs left for you and take a massive step back to focus on your own life and family. They will never put you first so you have to man up and put yourself first

This.

You'll knock yourself put for 13 years. They save a fortune and inherit.

Put yourself first and do things for you.

Wow that was really selfish of them all.

I'd send a message to all the family.

As you all know I cared for x, y and z for 13 years. I love X and will visit her as often as I can as a loving granddaughter but cannot undertake any more caring responsibilities. If no other family is able to step up, then the time has come for professional carers organised by her children.

I will not be entering into any further communication about this.

I agree with this. I can't believe they have the nerve to ask any of this of you OP. They clearly don't care about your wellbeing, sadly.

No one else has your back on this so it's really important that you back yourself. It's someone else's turn. Favours become expectations become being completely taken for granted, and resentment if you don't do what they want. It's understandable/expected that they are resisting your pushback. It's got nothing to do with what is fair, it's simply that it doesn't suit them. Don't let them put you off, push through it anyway. Remember no one can actually force you to do the care, and you have suggested a perfectly sensible alternative.

If you are looking to increase your work hours, now would be a good time. You need to be Teflon to emotional blackmail.