to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Perhaps you should ask Granny /family to give you £100k to cover the 13 years care you did... Which would be madly cheap...

And to compensate for some of the family money you've lost....

If I asked them for 5p they would have a meltdown but nice idea!!!

My cousins all have a far more financially than I do. Houses, cars, holidays etc

None of the grandchildren are set to inherit anything either!!

In what capacity ?

The top option was a relative or friend.

Where are you going with this please?

I can fill it in for her and I am currently her appointed person at the GP surgery etc.

Because she’s her carer. And when the DWP make the award they will ask whether she wants to act as the representative for the recipient.

My goodness op, they all sound so selfish.

Take your life back.

I’m not ‘going anywhere’ with my question. I didn’t complete the form online for my husband as I felt I needed to take time to complete it comprehensively and at the time wasn’t Attorney status. Perhaps I didn’t read it correctly but my understanding was that anyone could complete it but the only people who could 'sign' it were Attorney. Appointed person, or the Claimant.

Our surgery have a note to say I can discuss anything regarding my husband but that is only on his verbal say so from a few years ago, nothing formal.

I apologise if you felt I was being confrontational, but I was actually amazed at how relatively easy it was to make the claim, even with me getting my husband to sign it and even more surprised to find it was as easy if not easier online.

I am now registered as Attorney for him and I felt that was less regulated than I expected.

I thought there would be far more hoops to jump through for both.

But she’s not actually her ‘carer’ is she ?

Anyhow, see my response (21:14) to OP’s post.

@grumpygrape It was an online form
on the GOV.UK website.

About 6-8 options of who you were, then wait they needed help with, illnesses etc.

Name, address and NI Number of claimant.

GP Details and my name and phone number.

I didn’t sign anything.

DWP review the claim, in 12 weeks, will write to the claimant with a decision. I assume at that point, they will require a signature from the claimant as they have capacity to make their own decision.

@grumpygrape I am not technically the carer now, no. But I have been for 13 years and am best placed to complete the form.

There is no power of attorney situation here.

The reason for the claim is due to frailty. Which I didn’t realise you could claim as had previously misread the form.

Well done, @OP .

I've seen your situation with so many people. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. I predict that your relatives won't want to deal with what youngsters today refer to as 'emotional labour', so be prepared for them to continue to try to dump admin on you.

The last time DH was in hospital, I begged his son for support in dealing with the doctor on the ward. In the end, with the help of his partner he did write a letter to the doctor but ended it by saying that the doctor should refer to me if he had any queries. Perhaps he was just giving me my place, to be fair.

So far as the daughter was concerned, the only time that she showed any interest in matters concerning her father was when she tried to get me to change the music for the funeral (after she'd failed to listen to the tracks I had sent her and after the undertaker had already sent everything to the crematorium).

As it turned out, she was perfectly happy with the service and the music once she watched it online, but - according to her - hadn't been able to bear to listen to the music to check it beforehand. (The tracks consisted of my husband singing. DH had a lovely singing voice.)

The irony was that when I had asked what she wanted played instead of the music that I'd sent to the kids, she didn't know..."You'll know better than I do what Dad liked."

She actually wanted me to find an unnamed instrumental piece and have it converted to an MP3 (4?) file and sent to the crem so that the celebrant could say that this was something that DH had played on the stereo for his grandchild. She had refused to acknowledge my explanation that I didn't know how to convert a CD track to an MP3 file and that I'd had to post the other tracks to friends in another town since they'd kindly offered to do it for me (during lockdown).

Anyway, I digress. Stick to your guns OP. Being nice gets you stepped on.

I bet she would 😞

Thanks for your responses.I was able to get my husband to sign his form and had a phone call from DWP within a few days asking a couple of questions but the decision came and payments started within three weeks of sending the form (backdated to when I requested the form by phone).

Although I think it’s right that my husband was awarded AA I still think the system is very lacking in regulation. I/we could have claimed all sorts of physical and mental issues on the form but there was no checking with Doctors or medical records as far as I know.

I do think you are right to step back from your caring role as you have far less capacity (time specifically) than other member of the family, particularly those closer in generation to your grandparent.

My best wishes.

I think ‘carer’ is a much used but misunderstood term. There are carers and Carers if you see what I mean.

I am a carer because I look after my husband, I’m not a Carer in that I am paid to care for him.

Apart from all the costs they'll have to find 😂 unless they want to step up... I found dealing with care agency was a right royal pain in arse....

Where :
Someone would arrive but arrive madly late.. As in 3 or 4 hours late😱
Continual billing problems - the year we had this recommended agency, every months bill had errors... Often billing us for non existent care visits ..ring doorbell came in very handy...

Or where they'd put 2 carers on erroneously.

Carers that were pretty rubbish who'd leave trip hazards for my dad.

Ones who messed up medication.. Abd double dosed him

Ones who left dirty inco pads on the floor for my dad to trip on.

Some male carers who thought as I physically lived in the house i would do their job for them...😱 - ones who would leave a urine soaked bed... As he thought I 'would change it' 😱

Carers who left after 20 mins when i was billed for an hour. And left a trail of unfinished tasks.

Ones who spent the majority of my dad's call chatting to their friends on their mobile while dealing with him.

The actively dishonest ones

The one that boasted how she would abuse the benedits system

The one whose kids were in care due to her neglect and amazingly TOLD me... Nope refused to have her again

The ones whose English was really difficult to understand.

The ones who agency sent that suddenly disappeared after their DBS came through....

Oh it was a real laugh dealing with this recommended agency... It took up AGES of my time and cost LOADS,

People that will treat you that way after everything you've already done for your dear GM have NO business complaining to you now.

Have you decided if you will step right back from doing all the practical care for your dear GM?
I hope you have been able to make the choice best for you.

I’d be saying something like ‘I can pop in once a week for about half an hour with shopping etc but currently can’t take on anymore’. End of conversation!

About Attendance Allowance:-
Frailty is a medically defined syndrome, so therefore a legitimate reason to claim AA.

If frailty impacts mobility for example, it is the medical reason someone would need practical support from carers.

Frailty can progress over time to "severe frailty" at which point the person should quality for the higher rate of AA (if they do not at the start of their claim).

Yep. I feel your pain. My 95 year old mum has advanced vascular dementia. She had a fall and was admitted to hospital. In the run up to her being discharged I went into the hospital at visiting time and found a social worker sitting with her filling in forms for her to go into full time care - including a financial assessment form on which he had assumed that mum was correct in saying she owned her own home - she doesn’t, she lives with myself and DH in our home.

I have lasting power of attorney for mum and told him that mum lived with me and I had no intention of allowing her to go into care. I also pointed out that what he was doing was illegal because mum didn’t have capacity and they should have spoken to me as her legal representative. He hadn’t even been told that she had dementia and hadn’t checked for himself.

When she finally was discharged we had an OT assessment of the house and got various simple aids and adaptations to help with her mobility - already had a stair lift and a wet room because I’m disabled myself. We were told she would have six weeks free temporary home care and then would be reassessed financially if anything further was needed.

The care agency were a nightmare. Mum was assessed as needing two carers four times a day. They frequently missed the morning call and turned up at lunch time, by which time I had had to sort her out. If she told them she didn’t want to get washed they wouldn’t wash her because ‘we can’t force her’ - of course she didn’t bloody want to get washed, she has dementia !! I frequently found that they had done the bare minimum on the afternoon visits and hadn’t changed her padding. Frequently had one carer instead of two, despite frequent reminders to the care agency.

They were supposed to spend an hour a day with mum over the four visits but I was lucky if it was twenty minutes. They’d turn up, spend five minutes sorting her out and then sit in the car for fifteen minutes. It was only later I found out that there were GPS trackers in the car, so it looked as though they were spending the alloted time attending to her.

The final straw was four weeks into it, when they sent two male carers to shower and change her. Mum was distraught and I sent them packing, cancelled any further care and went private. To add insult to injury the hospital passed on mum’s case to the local authority who decided she didn’t qualify for the free six week assessment period and sent a bill for over a thousand pounds. I refused to pay and was threatened with the bailiffs. Ended up paying up just to get them off our backs. The social worker dealing with mum denied any responsibility for the incorrect information regarding fees and I felt as though they had hung a vulnerable old lady out to dry. Never again. Absolute shitshow.

She’s the person who knows the claimants’ condition the best, so would be perfectly entitled to fill in the form. She can’t sign it for the claimant- if the claimant is unable to sign the form, they would either need someone with lasting power of attorney to do that, or OP could apply to the DWP to become their representative for benefit purposes. A nominated representative can also have the claimants’ benefit paid into their own account but it has to be an account kept competely separate from anything else.

If you didn’t supply any medical information with the application form the DWP decision maker/assessor would have contacted the GP or any other medical professional involved with his treatment - the usual practice is that a form is sent to the GP or it’s done on a telephone call. You would have been asked to give their details on the form. The reason they rang you direct for more information would likely have been to clarify anything they weren’t sure of, as by that point they clearly had everything they needed to make a decision. Had they not, he would have been asked to have an assessment either by phone/video call or in some circumstances face to face at an assessment centre.

Which is pretty much what I said in my 21:14 post if you had bothered to check.

You don’t need to have an official capacity to complete the AA application form. The form itself asks that if you are completing it on behalf of someone else, you state your name and details and in what capacity you are acting - friend, relative or in an official capacity. All are acceptable.

Wow. No need to be rude.

Supplying medical information is very vague terminology. I didn’t attach any information from any medical professionals but supplied their details and detailed the diagnoses and treatments he’d had.

Unless the medical professionals involved with him have neglected to record contacts, there have been no contacts to them by DWP. The decision was made and payments started withing three weeks of me sending the form and within a week of the contact from DWP. The contact from DWP was only to ask if OH knew what he was signing. Well, as the saying goes, I said Yes, but then I would, wouldn’t I !?

A friend in a similar position was surprised at how quickly her husband’s application was granted, again, without apparent confirmation from medical professionals. Maybe we are more aware of the ways people can scam the system.Neither of us have scammed the system and our husbands are entitled to AA but, frankly it just seemed too easy.

Ditto the registering of LPoA. OH is well away with the fairies but even if he wasn’t I could have registered and would be able to carry out his financial and health decisions without any intervention from a professional to say he lacks capacity.