to not restart caring for elderly relative?

[cushionsareblue]

NC

I have been my grandmother’s primary carer (unpaid) for nearly 13 years. Since she was 80. She is now 93.

I took her to all her medical appointments, cleaning, washing, shopping, helped her shower as and when needed as sometimes she could manage sometimes she couldn’t and I dealt with any admin.

3 years ago, I also became the primary carer (unpaid) for my grandmother and grandfather on the other side of the family.

My grandparents both sadly passed away in August/December last year.

Due to the level of care my grandparents needed I took a step back from my grandmother and other relatives had to take on some of the responsibilities.

Despite my grandmother being the only elderly person they looked after, they did all seem to struggle with this - my grandmother can be a difficult woman.

My family want me to restart caring for her again and I don’t want too.

I think the time has come for a professional carer.

I have saved her thousands of pounds in care costs by taking on this responsibility despite by Grandmother having lots and lots of money that she is unwilling to spend on carers.

Her children are going to benefit from this saving when she passes and are therefore, reluctant to encourage a professional.

Today, my aunt contacted me to say my Grandmother was struggling with dressing and I told her that she needs a professional carer and I would be happy to organise this - Not keen!

AIBU not wanting to do this? Should I just do it, to make my Grandmother and everyone else happy?

Put it in writing. To the relevant children including your Dad, and cc all the grandkids including your very selfish siblings.

Then every time you get asked "I refer you to / remind me of my letter on 5th Feb. I think I made my position very clear, please don't embarrass either of us by making me repeat it again".

You have done more than enough.

Alternatively give them your new day rate card, overtime and unsocial hours charges payable in advance.

Then every time you get asked "I refer you to / remind me of my letter on 5th Feb. I think I made my position very clear, please don't embarrass either of us by making me repeat it again".

Nice!

Don't look again. The more you do, the more they will ask you and expect you to do. Just step away. Say "I've done my bit, it's time for [you/them] to step up."

I cared for my darling mum and I didn't regret a second of it, even though my siblings did nothing. I then became full time carer to my dh after he suffered serious illness. During this time his dad needed care and because dh was out of action, it somehow fell upon me and his elderly lady friend to provide round the clock care for him. Dhs sister and husband did absolutely nothing, only stepping in as Executors after he died. All the time I cared for him I never saw them at his house then, after he died, they were never away from the place, checking their inheritance. Now the elderly lady friend needs care and it's once again falling on me. She has no other family and she helped look after FIL so I feel obliged to help her out to some extent. I just can't take on this caring role again, so I've obtained details of private carers and told her I'll help organise it. Sometimes I wonder how I always end up being the one doing the caring, I think other people don't worry as much as I do about people and that's my downfall. It's so easy to get taken advantage of, please be firm and say no to caring for your grandmother again, you've more than done your fair share.

This!

No need for long messages, the more you give them the more they'll argue back and give you reasons why you're wrong.

I did 13 years, it's someon else's turn now.

Rinse and repeat ad nauseam.

I’m completely invested in this thread, OP. I cared for my Dad and it nearly broke me. We applied for AA - she absolutely will get it. It is not just for current needs but for future needs, so all the things you’ve listed above that you help with are her needs. If she keeps the money that is on her own children to sort out. It is also on them to sort out carers.

You and your own family come first. Let them complain, let them find it hard. You can help by sorting AA but that’s it. Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing and precious family time any longer.

GreatAuntytobe it is because you are kind and you have great compassion and we feel the need to rescue everyone. I don’t think it is a weakness, far from it, but we do need to better at saying enough is enough.

You can help by sorting AA but that’s it.

I honestly wouldn’t even do this, they are give an inch and they take a mile people. IF op was the only relative, yes, but she isn’t. OP’s aunt or dad can help with the application, calling on Age UK if they need it. Bet if Op did it and it wasn’t successful for some reason, they’d use that as another lever to try and get her to do the caring.

I’m so glad you’re standing your ground and taking a step back. I too did this some years ago now and I don’t regret it.

I’ve cared for my siblings since my teens (addict parent). Then I bought my dc up, then I’ve helped as childcare for my grandchildren, then I was expected to care for my in laws. All while working sometimes full time but mostly part time in recent years. I then became very suddenly disabled myself. And do you think anyone’s offered to help me? Absolutely not one person. They’ve just been annoyed that I’m no longer picking up the slack.

the regret I have for not enjoying my life while I could is overwhelming at times. I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and neglecting myself.

stick to your guns x

Just keep saying no and her adult kids will somehow sort it out and avoid arranging care company for them out of guilt as you may then end up the default contact for them too.

Sure Grandma isn't likely to be happy with strangers doing the caring at first but she will get to know them and from experience they are much more skilled in being cheerful and patient dealing with difficult old people than I'm able.
I don't know why she's so keen to keep her money banked as inheritance for these lazy family members but If will doesn't recognise your caring I hope she donates it all to charity😂
I expect my parents will spend all their savings on care so not expecting any inheritance, but I'm just glad that theres money available as it's allowed choice and speed of action. We were told with SS if they've savings above 23k i.e self funders they'd not be a priority for a needs assessment so could be waiting a while but I feel for those under as they may get the bare minimum.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this thread and made me realise I’m not being unreasonable.

I did expect most people to say I was being unreasonable and that I should suck it up for the sake of an elderly person.

I phoned my Aunt this morning and suggested again getting carers in to support with showering, dressing etc and suggested she raise it with her siblings (5 in total) and they talk to my Grandmother about it. It was an absolutely no way, it’s not needed, she’s fine blah blah blah.

I then told her I had applied for AA and that if successful my Grandmother would receive money which could be used to pay for some or all of the care. SHE CHANGED HER TUNE!!

So, I have left that conversation thinking……

A massive F You.

They are getting absolutely no more free labour from me EVER again.

If they think for one second, I’m saving them another single penny, they can think again.

Thank you for all the support. I just need to stay strong!

Why does almost everything in life boil down to money.

If care isn't needed and it's all fine, why is she asking to to do the care?
You've been so kind and accommodating...unfortunately people have a way of taking advantage of kind and caring people like yourself, family included.

Well done for not caving in.

Although I am fully behind with not breaking your back caring for her, how are you able to apply for Attendance Allowance for her?

I'm so glad she's now really shown her true colours and you're resolute... Go girl!!

Of course she needs that care.

Otherwise what the hell tasks were you doing for all that time😂😂..

She's hoping to guilt trip you I suspect.

Granny will have to start spending some of her considerable savings....

I hope they feel very grateful when they realise JUST how much you've saved them over 13 years..

The Attendance Allowance won't go far... It will fund less that 3 hours weekly from a care agency.(that would cost £94 in our area) and also a half hour call is well over 50% of an hour call... It was 25£ for 30mins or 34£.for an hour's call
.. They're eye wateringly expensive.. Or 4-5 hours private care...

They won't know what has hit them when they realise quite how much they'll need to spend to replace you... Good.. 😂.

Cheeky fuckers.

There are 5 siblings, yet they are expecting you to do it all?! His may other grandchildren are there?! Are they all too busy with their important jobs and lives??

Make sure you keep seeing grandma socially and spending time being close to her. Make it clear to her that you worked so hard caring for her but her children didn't want to step up! Don't brush what you've done aside or downplay yourself out of modesty or whatever, because usually you won't end up with anything inheritance wise if there's anything left over, even something sentimental like a photo or ornament etc. It has happened so many times I've seen in friends and own family
That's why it's good you're sticking to your guns

No more admin for grandma either, it was nice to apply for AA but stop now. otherwise they will be expecting you to do everything like arrange and find carers, paying them etc..

OP contact social services and report the situation as it is. It’s clear that your GM needs care and that the family are denying her what she needs because they don’t want the cost to eat into their inheritance. If your GM didn’t need care they would not be asking you to do it. Just as an aside, the attendance allowance will likely not be enough to cover the cost of care if your GM has other means, but you really do need to get the appropriate authorities involved because it sounds as though the family are not putting her best interests first.

Ah @cushionsareblue what a star you are.

So bloody disrespectful of her to frame the work you have been doing as so unimportant too. Talk about biting the hand that feeds her.

I filled in the form online via GOV.UK.

Yes. 5 siblings, 2 Female 3 Male. 12 Grandchildren all over the age of 30.

Yes I will visit and try and do social things but no showering etc.

When my Grandparents both died last year, I did the majority.

I have absolutely nothing from them, not even a trinket. My Grandfather died, I watched him leave the house, I locked up and left. I’ve never been back and his children were there the next day clearing it out ready to be sold.

I haven’t even had a text from any of them.

So there are 17 people.... And you've been it for 13 years.
😱😱

Yes, that’s correct regarding AA.

My thinking was, if THEY got someone in say twice a week then it could be increased slowly as the care company would encourage it as they are professionals and there is no way they would have the guts to say no to a professional.

They absolutely are cheeky fuckers.

I know!!

Madness.

All those 17 people will be so irritated to see Granny's money going down... Here 2 x 30 min calls daily is LOADS and that sounds a lot less than she needs..

Here (not South East) it would cost 350£ weekly 😱🙄