To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

For one evening YABU. I would be really annoyed if my DH said he couldn’t handle one evening with the kids.

You’re coming home and making dinner for you and one child. Make it an easy night of pasta or omelette.
DH is home before 8pm, be can sort the lunch box out for the next day and leaving clothes out for one child is hardly such a laborious task.

There are plenty of evenings you could do something, you don’t want to but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t. Telling him he should only be out for 1hr is suffocating.

I remember how hard the nursery years can be and how pick up, making dinner and doing bedtime alone can feel overwhelming when you’re exhausted.

If that’s what’s going on here then try to compromise a bit and make Monday evenings as easy as possible. Have a reheat dinner, skip bathtime, don’t do other household stuff, whatever will reduce the load.

But if your husband is otherwise pulling his weight, don’t ask him to give up on friendships - they can be very hard to replace as you get older, especially for men.

One night a week is reasonable. Can't he prepare dinner? If he WFH he could use his lunch hour to do some prep for it or perhaps? Or the next night he could maybe do dinner, bath and bed and so you get a more relaxed evening in lieu?

My dh has a hobby and I don't have the equivalent but he gives me a break by giving me a lie-in at the weekend or taking the kids out for a couple of hours so I can relax. There are ways to take a bit of time for yourself that don't involve a hobby.

Well there needs to be time for you sometime - but that could be at the weekend

is wanting to play with his friends is utterly reasonable

Sorry but it's not unreasonable for him to have an evening out once a week. I work from home and my evenings doing my hobby are a life line.

And if you did want to do something, there certainly is time. You just feel too tired so it isn't something you're prioritising right now. I felt the same when my children were younger but when something becomes important to you, you realise it is possible. I would have thought I was too tired as well, but I found something I love and it really ia energising.

YABU it's one night a week.
I also think you are being a bit dramatic with the comment of you need to sort out clothes and lunches for the next day. Surely you lay out what you want to wear and possibly just grab something for the little one for nursery.
Packed lunches again are annoying but depending on what you put in it aren't really that time consuming.

I agree that your DH should have the dinner ready for you to heat up, or you could consider leftovers from the weekend, batch cooking or just having something easy like pizza to throw in the oven.

Yeah, sorry YABU. Does he contribute generally or are you focusing in on this issue as a way to vent your frustration at his broader lack of help?

Why are you sorting dinner, clothes and lunches? Is this not split 50/50?

tbh I would not stop him doing a Monday night hobby. That sounds very controlling.

however. I would also not focus on needing to do dinner clothes and lunches.

what else is happening in your marriage? Life? That is leaving you feeling you want to control him?
take up a hobby on Tuesday night and leave him to it?

YABU - it's one evening a week. I think it is unreasonable to ask him to find another team, he has friends at this one and it's his chance to socialise.

Why can't you do something you enjoy on a different evening? Lots of people work long days but still find time to enjoy a hobby.

YABU. He’s out for less than three hours, on one evening, and he’s back before 8pm.

Yabu. It's only once a week. Do an easy dinner and sort lunches at the same time or he can do them when he gets home. What needs to be done with the clothes?

I think you’re reacting like this because your DH isn’t pulling his weight. Separate these 2 things out. He does a hobby he clearly enjoys and gets to socialise, this is a positive to him and your relationships.

The bigger question is how much he’s pulling his weight. For starters why isn’t he getting dinner ready at least on Monday?

Whats the balance of drop off/pickups, laundry, meal prep, shopping, apppintments etc?

Lastly, why dont you go out another evening?

I’m sorry but I do think you’re a bit unreasonable. It’s one night, and it’s nice for him to have a hobby and get out and spend time with his new friends. I think instead of asking him to change his location etc, you should just say “okay Monday nights are for you to enjoy yourself and see friends, Thursday nights is going to be mine.” Find a club to join, see a friend, relax with a book in a pub/relaxed bar type place. If he has a problem with this THEN you’re more within your rights to suggest he changes his Monday socialising.

It strikes me that this is something which could mostly be sorted out on Sundays. Make enough dinner for leftovers on Monday or prepare something just to heat up on the Monday. Make sure there are clean clothes etc ready for Tuesday as well as Monday. Have a clear routine of what you do while he’s out and what you leave for him to sort out once he’s home (e.g. clearing the kitchen and washing up).

I think I’ve realised the bigger problem here is that he doesn’t cook or make lunches. So when I’m home at 5.15 I’m gaffing about making dinner for us all and sorting me and our little ones lunch for the next day.

He also doesn’t do bedtime either (little one always asks for mummy and cries when DH puts him to bed). Tonight it took an hour (during which I wrote this post out of exacerbation).

He does collect from childcare the other 3 days. My sister looks after our son on a Monday and she lives on route to/from work so it does make sense for me to drop and collect on a Monday.

I need to make more time for me and not feel guilty for doing so

Ask him to make your Monday dinner before he goes out? Baked potatoes or something equally easy.

My DH does his hobby for 2 hours on a Tuesday and Thursday evening, and all morning Saturday and Sunday. I would be more than happy if he only did it 1 night a week.

The solution would be that he gets dinner ready, clothes and lunches ready for the next day before he leaves.

How are chores split on the other days? If you are doing compressed hours to look after DS one day a week I would expect him to be doing more than half of all tasks the rest of the time.

Yeah, he needs to step up on the dinner/lunches and/or take care of all the other chores. But again, think about how much can be done in advance by either/both of you to make weekdays easier.

I don't think one night a week is unreasonable, it's also Sunday the day before so you or he can double up on making sandwiches for monday and tuesday as well as having something to chuck in the slow cooker or leftovers from the night before. I understand alhough never tried you can freeze some sandwiches ahead of time.

As for doesn't do bedtime. That needs sorting. I get your little one wants you at the moment but it's really not fair on anyone to have only one person that can put a child to bed. Surely you want to go out at some point? What if something happens that means you can't be there.

Ah, let him have his hobby and do it with his mates. It will be good for his mental health! Make sure you also get an evening to yourself.

YABU on the hobby front as it's 1 night a week. But your DH is also BU foe not having dinner prepped and in a slow cooker for when you and your child get home before he goes!
It literally takes 2 mins during a lunch break!

YABU about the hobby but the man needs to step up with regards to cooking and making lunches. Why doesn’t he do it?

Do you guys have children?

Yes 2 DC

Wow, you’re very understanding!