To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

2 full timers here with now older kids. Outsourcing cleaning and ironing has been the mainstay through all the different twists and turns.

Just on this part I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day, we try to make life as easy as possible in these situations, Monday dinner can be a throw it in the oven type, M&S do pasta bakes that take 30 mins and taste pretty good. Make up 2 lunches in a row on Sunday and 2 lots of clothes on Sunday, should your DH continue his hobby on Monday then you’ve both a few less things to do that evening as it got sorted on Sunday.

Agree.
The hobby is not the issue.
The clearly not being a team is.
Any decent partner knowing you are coming after a long day with two small children to manage would do all they can before leaving.
A simple pasta dish to serve up.
A wash sorted.
Contributing to the running of the house.
One night hobby not a problem.
Generally being a lazy srlfish arse. Definitely.

OP my husband is out every weds evevning and i do nursery & then shool pick up on way home its a bit shit especially in winter - me and the kids eat pizza that night so i dont have to cook - just whack some pizzas in the oven.

Skip kids baths that night if i can!

Baby to bed - 5 year old can watch a bluey on the sofa with some supper or a snack or somehting while i do books with the baby - get him to bed and then tackle 5 year old bed time

Then I always go out one evening too! (sometimes 2)

The bigger problem is your husbands lack of helping with other things like food / house things / pick ups

This... and also you go and do your own thing on Friday night too

Yabu. Thete are work arounds in my opinion.

For the Monday dinner rush, you or hubby can batch cook on the sunday or invest in a slow cooker. As he is wfh he can do the slow cooker before his sport session.

Given that you say you feel you don't have equal time for your own hobbies, husband should agree to give you one evening or some time at the weekend, equivalent to what you do for him on a Monday.

Or they can have a shower, much quicker

Also doesn’t need to be a proper cooked dinner each night, make life easier and just have beans on toast or something.

Another vote for YABU. It’s one evening a week, and playing sport is not just about the sport itself, but socialising with people you like as it is a good way to switch off, unwind and have a proper mental break. Playing the same sport with people he has no connection with wouldn’t be the same.

But it does need to be fair. My DH and I have a set evening every week during which we can do as we like (gigs/dinner/cinema etc) and the other person does all the childcare and housework for that evening. It is an arrangement that has made us both really happy and refreshes us each week.

@CuriousKangaroo but nothing is fair in this relationship, OP does everything and DH gets his social time and then does bugger all in the house the rest of the week

YABU!

I think YABU because it’s literally one day a week. I need to run to keep my MH in check so on a weekend I might be out of the house for 2 hours one day and 40 mins another plus 40 mins in the evening a couple of times during the week too. I wouldn’t begrudge DH doing the same but he isn’t interested. If he asked me to stop I’d tell him to fuck off.

Totally unreasonable for just one day a week!
Do the same thing on another evening!
Also - as it’s monday, you can get organized for that evening on sunday. Eg have dinner prepped, uniform ready and ironed, etc. Leaving you very little to do on monday except heat up the food you have already cooked.

She doesn’t say he does nothing, only that he doesn’t cook/make lunches or put the kids to bed. But even the latter doesn't sound like it is his choice- she says the children won’t be put to bed by him. Frankly, that is something that just needs to be persisted with.

And in fact, if she was put once a week in the evening then her DH would have to cook and put the kids to bed. They would get used to their dad doing it and it could become an equally shared responsibility.

@CuriousKangaroo so what else is there to do on most workday evenings? Don't tell me put the rubbish out, which is what most lazy arse men only manage to do.

Have you read the OP’s posts. It’s not just about the hobby.

Erm, whatever the OP does - cook dinner, make lunch for the next day, homework, play with the kids, bath and bedtime.

Personally I often put a wash on or stick clothes in the dryer if I put a wash on in the morning, but OP hasn’t discussed who does those chores or when.

Obviously he should do the evening childcare and work more often, but he has no excuse not to do it if OP is out and the OP has said that he doesn’t do bedtime because the children ask for her? Not because he refuses. He will have to learn to do it, the children will get used to it and it can then happen half the week.

What’s your suggestion?

OP you sound like a bit of a martyr. Why are you responsible for all cooking/lunches/prep? What does DH do? If its nothing then he needs to step up.

Re: your DC bedtime - of course they would prefer mommy but if you ever want a break or a bit of your life back then DC has to tolerate daddy will do bedtime sometimes. I have a baby and a toddler. We alternate who puts which to bed so they both get time with both of us. At this age both my DC would prefer it if I did their bedtimes but that isn't fair on them or me and it means my DH is capable of putting both to bed so I can go out sometimes. It's not their preference but it's how it is.

@CuriousKangaroo my suggestion is that he gets off his arse. He shouldn't have to be told to get dinners, make lunches, do parts of bedtime. he's a dad for god's sake, he should be parenting. He should realise that when he goes out on a Monday evening OP is left to do everything, so even if he is dad of the year the rest of the time (note he isn't) he should be thinking how can he make life easier for OP - maybe batch cook on Sunday so a meal is ready on Monday night (I note many posters are suggesting that OP does this, but why not him)

I think it might be easier on you if you precook dinner on a Sunday for Monday and only have to heat it when you get in,feed your wee one and get him settled for bed or invest in a slow cooker that you can put the dinner in and it can be ready when you get back.Your husband can put it on a keep warm setting and it will be ready to eat when you get back and it's not such a big deal as doing that long day and cooking dinner.
I think it's important for you both to have downtime so maybe have a hobby you can do when the little ones are in bed before DH comes back.

@anma302 is that a plural you ie either OP or DH, or you meaning OP when talking about cooking dinner on Sunday?

Agree with others, only one evening a week.
You could sort the clothes for Monday and Tues/whole week on Sunday, I do this to avoid doing it every night. Also meals, have something precooked to heat up.

When I know a particular evening will be busy or solo I prepare for it, makes life easier. Xx

Yabu, it’s ONE night. ONE.
what’s wrong with skipping a bathtime on a Monday? What’s wrong with beans on toast or something super easy and simple on a Monday? Why do people make their lives so much harder than it needs? You have ONE child as well. You both should batch cook some meals on a weekend, and you need to leave the house so your ds gets used to his dad putting him to bed.

For once a week, it’s unreasonable to ask him to switch. He has built a community and friends there. Equally, if he asked you the same I’d say he was also being unreasonable. You should also be having an evening off once a week. Whether that’s a club/activity, going to dinner with a friend or you just getting time to yourself is your choice, but it should be equal and fair.

If he works from home, could he not throw a bunch of stuff in a slow cooker a few times a week either before he starts work or on his lunch break? It will take the stress off in the evenings with prepping dinner.

I hope that the labour of cooking, chores and looking after your child is being shared after 5.15, as if you are getting home at 5.15 and don’t have time for one evening to yourself even once a week, then that concerns me a bit that you are taking on the full load all week, not just Mondays. Hopefully I’ve caught the wrong end of the stick there but that’s what I take if I read between the lines of why you are so burnt out. If that is the case, then the first thing would be to get a weekly evening to yourself and to have a conversation about the division of home labour when you both work full time.

Thank you for your response. I do realise IABU and that it’s a deeper issue not just the hobby.

Yesterday he said that he would like to do the hobby on a Wednesday too and would be out the house from 5pm-8pm. I reminded him that he needs to pick our child up from nursery and that I don’t get home until 5.15 (can be later depending on traffic) so this won’t work. This then opened up a conversation about how I need an evening to myself which he agreed with and we discussed the division of labour.

I think he now’s realises (hopefully) that I’ve got a lot on my plate with working full time hours over 4 days, a commute and a day of looking after our son whilst he works 7.30-3 from home and has a couple hours downtime before picking our child up from nursery.

I know I was slated in the comments for BU but I’m glad for all the replies which made me realise the hobby isn’t the problem. Thanks everyone