To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

The issue isn’t the hobby once a week it’s that he doesn’t do anything else. I wfh full time and make 90% of our meals, because I am here as DH is only home 2 days a week. If we have something like shepherds pie then I can make a start on my lunch. He is taking the piss.

He loves the hobby and has made friends there...there is more to life than the constant slog. We need time to enjoy ourselves too. One week day evening per week is more than reasonable.
What needs to happen is a more even distribution of obligations, so you can have your free time as well.

Don't insist on changing his hobby night...make it work for both of you so you can have one too, even if all you want to do is read a book in the bath.

Given how unaffordable childcare is, I think it’s terrible you are making her feel guilty about this. Many working families have to do things that make financial sense, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it but it does mean it was a factor.

But you expected the OP to do it. Why not make the suggestion that the DH who does fuck all does it seeing as it’s so easy? Not supportive at all just minimising the OP doing all the default work while the DH who works from home is just chilling. The OP doesn’t need your unhelpful suggestions, she’s got a good job and runs the house too, she’s not incapable. She’s just pissed off doing everything. Either you’re a bit dim, lack empathy or are on a wind up.

Just read your post on you doing everything from when you get in @Rigglepop and ‘little one refuses this’ (bedtime with Dad). It is probably at the stage where it is easier to carry on than try to change things, but I think you need to get little one used to being ok with either of you. It will be hard at first, of course. Likewise, Dad needs to step
up and do the tasks you normally do, perhaps on alternate days. You can help DC understand ‘Dad’s turn today, Mummy is tire’ and so on. You are enabling this to continue to some extent … but now you have seen what’s going on you can definitely change it. Your child will eventually learn how to parent from both of you.

There’s this weird competitiveness on MN for how ultra quickly and efficiently pack lunches can be made… Yes, I’m sure the OP could slap a bit of ham between a couple of bits of bread and throw them into a lunchbox in 10 seconds flat and then relish the smug feeling of beating the hapless fools who spend longer on pack lunches if she wanted to… but we don’t all want to eat crappy lunches.

Also, assuming someone can read (a recipe) and has working arms and hands , no adult ‘can’t cook’. And any adult who claims this should be thoroughly embarrassed.

So you're doing the bulk of the breadwinning, childcare, chores and all bedtimes? Now wonder you're resentful. I think he's perfectly entitled to do the hobby with his friend once a week but needs to step up on the household tasks. Wfh he should be able to get a washload on while you're commuting, load / unload the dishwasher while making drinks / lunch break, hang up washing while you're commuting home. If he cleans / tidies whilst you're doing bedtime, and you can afford a cleaner to do the heavy lifting once a week, thats the bulk of chores except cooking / packed lunches done, which he should be doing half of and if he can't he needs to learn or pick up a comparable task to lighten your load. Agree he needs to learn to alternate bedtime. My 2 used to scream for me at bedtime, it took a few months of perseverance, we did it gently so started off with both of us in the room taking turns to read stories, and gradually ended up alternating, now whoever's turn it is to not do bedtime does the dishwasher/ tidying while the other is upstairs.

He’s out once a week doing a hobby - it’s not every night so yes YABU

stop being a pushover at bedtime and share it and do every other - your son is a toddler and you and dad are in charge

whoever does bedtime. The other does dinner and lunch for next day

equally he works from home and could prep dinner while you are travelling homework work every night

fri should be a fun day for you both as spending time with dc but you describe as looking after own child on day off

@Rigglepop is he hands on the other nights ?
who does what at weekends ?

I think he should be allowed to go to his hobby , however he could make dinner the night before for you and son and you do lunch box or he sorts when he gets home .

YABU to ask him to switch time, but your husband needs to do more. You need to divide and conquer the evening chores. If bath and bedtime is your special circle of hell every night (I hated the witching hour), then he needs to cook dinner every night. He's at home - as others have said, the slow cooker is his friend, or he can prepare a chilli or spag bol on the hob on his lunch and just reheat in the evening. It doesn't make sense that you work out of the home and are cooking. He is far better placed to cook, and batch cooking makes it even easier.

Have you ever asked him to do more around the house?

Jesus 😳

Your husband not going for a hobby would not make any difference to your routine. Other than he would be unhappy and cause you to be unhappy.
He needs to do bedtime and food. There are million dinners that you just throw jn the oven for 45min and you can eat those for 2 days. He can pick 3 that he wants to try and that is dinner for a week.

I get it's a pain for that one day, but it is one day.

I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

All of this you can do on a Sunday evening (or get your DH to do!) for Monday and Tuesday.

I work a 14hour day on a Monday so whilst I'm cooking dinner Sunday night I prep two days worth of breakfast and lunches. A couple of times a week I'll cook double of whatever dinner I'm making so there's always a few home made 'ready meals' in the freezer that can just go in the microwave or take 30 mins max in the oven.

I should add I have ADHD and am very much not an organised person but it's a really easy win to do this once a week.

Your problem, which I think you have realised, is not 1 day a week out for a hobby (totally reasonable) but the unequal share of the home load you are doing. You are earning more, doing one day child care on top and all cooking and child prep. This is unfair and unsustainable.
Firstly, you need to fix your child not willing to be put to bed by your DH. Or at least not pander to it. She will just have to cry for you until she gets used to it. Best to be out the house for that. Your DH probably doesn’t make an effort to fix this as it suits him fine. If he is the one dealing with a tired and distressed child he is likely to put some effort in.
Husband needs to pull his weight cooking. Tough if he doesn’t like it. It’s part of being an adult. Beans on toast everyone can manage. On the remaining 3 days you work compressed hrs (apart from Monday) he should cook and also prep for the next day. And putting child to bed (once they are used to the new routine). You need to mostly relax after compressed hrs.
Take an evening for yourself to try a new hobby. Leave the house at 5 and come back after children in bed.
edited for spelling errors

One day a week for a hobby which he enjoys with friends Is fine. If he is working all week remotely it is really important, not just as enjoyment but also for his mental health that he is enjoying exercising and socialising with friends once a week. I don't think it's fair to ask him to change the place and people as this is his only outlet away from family and away from remote working.
You should also try to get out with friends once a week. A scratch dinner/one put in slow cooker/extra made on Sundays is fine.

Yes, or prep the slow cooker the night before, so all you need to do it switch it on the next morning

Another Mumsnet mystery hobby.

YABU.

Having read your updates I would definitely hand Sunday evenings over to your DH - it's fine for him to have a hobby one evening a week but he needs to pull his weight.

I'm gobsmacked that an adult man can't/wont cook!

I thought this! I make 3 lots of sandwiches, throw in a bag of crisps, a yoghurt and some fruit each. Takes 10 minutes max.

I do always read these threads and think that some people must faff massively though...

Sounds like he's taking the piss in general, OP. He's got you earning as the main breadwinner, then doing practically everything at home. This is what you're really upset about, I suspect.

Why is he not making dinner and packing the lunches while you put the little one to bed? In our house one does those bits while the other does bedtime. What is he actually doing while you’re upstairs doing bedtime?

What is your DH doing whilst you are running around doing everything on Tuesday to Thursday evening?

Can DH do bath time and story, and you then pop in to say good night? Need to get little one used to dad doing bedtime too

As someone who was in this boat I sympathise with your resentment OP. Obviously you ABU to say he can’t do his Monday hobby. I WFH all week and its very lonely at times. But I fell into the “kids only want me at bedtime” trap and doing all the grunt work and it wore me down. Even now my kids are older, if I go out in the evenings they have a little moan about it and they put themselves to bed 😂 Bloody ridiculous. If I could go back I would absolutely be forcing myself out at night for an evening a week. Its ok to have that for yourself. Also some good ideas here about meal prep etc. I outsource school dinners so I don’t have to make packed lunches 😂 My dh went through a mountain walking phase and it was 4 gym sessions a week and then all weekend on mountains. It wasn’t the hobby that annoyed me. It was having everything else left to me. But if you don’t take steps now to make time for yourself your resentment will grow and fester and no one should feel like that.

DH doesn’t do bedtime (little one refuses this) so from anywhere from 7.30-8pm I’m putting them to bed which can take up to an hour

Fool be you for letting a child refuse a specific parent putting them to bed. What a rod for your back you have made.