To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

Monday night = jacket potato night. They cook lovely in the slow cooker simply wrapped in foil. Set it to come on (high) for 5-6 hours before. Low effort for either one of you.

"need to make more time for me and not feel guilty for doing so" - this sounds like a you problem, not your husbands problem.

If the kids cry for mummy because they want her to do bed time, well tough cheese, you've got Daddy tonight. They'll get used it.

ETA - your husband goes out one night a week to connect with other humans. He is not at all unreasonable and deep down you know this.

Why are you sorting lunches and clothes for the next day all in that 90 min window? Your DH is home before 8, he can just do it then, or you can.

Prep dinner for Monday at the weekend or your DH does it at lunchtime if he WFH. Then if it’s oven based he can put it on before he leaves at 5 so it’s ready when you get in, or you can microwave it when you get home.

it’s one night a week for a few hours. That’s not unreasonable of him. Especially if he WFH and doesn’t get out much otherwise.

Genuine question, how long does it take to make packed lunches? I just put some ham between two slices of bread, maybe slice a tomato, job done. Is it possible in your jobs to heat up food at lunch time? If so make a bit more dinner the night before and take that to work the next day.

I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime

Well this needs to change. Why are you doing all this after work? Why can’t he do this? Why can’t it be shared?

He should get one day to do his hobby, but your domestic and child work should be organized to also give you time off.

I agree. This isn't really about a couple of hours on Monday evenings.

One of you needs to do bedtime whilst the other cooks.
Your LO will get used to that if it's always your partner doing it.

This is the unreasonable bit. How did this happen? You’ve become the default housekeeper/parent. Have you never had any conversations about dividing the domestic load? If not that’s why you feel resentful about Mondays. If you got more free time during the rest of the week then you’d feel less resentful about Mondays. He could definitely manage to put together a stew or something on Mondays and do the lunches when he gets back.

So he needs to take over the dinner and lunches for at least one evening (ideally more) so that you aren't trying to do it all. Maybe on Friday since you are home, you might be able to get out for a bit it you want your own time and be less tired?

Genuine question. Why do you not suggest DH could just do all of this given he actually works from home?

DH and I alternate bath and bedtime for our DD, and whoever does the bath then goes and cooks dinner for us (DD has hers at nursery). She will still cry when I leave the room, but nowhere near as much as she used to and I'm soon forgotten once DH starts reading stories. I know it's hard, but it's nice for him to have that time with her too. Sounds like you definitely need to be sharing more tasks!

Go out after dinner and leave him to do bedtime. They will get used to it. Go to the gym or whatever - even just sit in the car with a book and a thermos if you don't have anywhere specific to go. Just let them get on with it without you there. Also DH must cook dinners some days - it's ridiculous that you do it all in this situation.

It will be best if you put your foot down in a different way and get yourself an evening out every week (guarantee) on a different day, eg Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Even if you don’t have a hobby, just have this evening to yourself- shopping, seeing a friend, seeing a film in peace, whatever.

That will be much better for you in the long run.

It’s actually kinda mad that you doing all the cooking, lunches and bedtimes is so normal to you that you didn’t even include it in the op.

the very easy solution which ticks all the boxes in one go, is to be completely out of the house one day a week. After work, go to your sisters, enjoy doing whatever, arrive home at 8.30pm. Not to then start the lunch prep btw, make it clear that is to be done.

Because at the moment op, you’re the breadwinner AND the main childcare AND the chef. Clearly ridiculous

Also to add, I would feel very resentful if I was doing all bedtimes, dinners and lunches every day while working full time hours. What does your DH do while you're busy with these?

You can't cope with your partner doing a sport, which is good for physical and mental health, once a week?

It really sounds over the top OP and maybe you should also do something for yourself while he takes care of the kids on another day instead of being so controlling.

YABU

Why can’t Monday and Friday be your days to do bedtime, dinner and lunch?

Then, your DP covers at least two of the other days, e.g. Tues and Wed so that you can rest, exercise and/or socialise? Maybe one day when he cooks dinner while you do bedtime?

With dinner, do you ever batch cook and freeze, so you have healthy, home made dinners for evenings you’re busy or tired? Each pot-based meal I make (lentil curry, risotto or bolognaise sauce) I make at least double for 4 people, so I have a stock of homemade meals on other days.

Kindly, you both seem to view time with your DC (bathtime, bedtime etc) as a tiring chore.

Not sure when married and family life became so transactional. It’s good for his MH. He enjoys it. It’s not that much time. When you look after DS Fridays he’s not on a jolly, he’s working too.

As others have said, instead of resenting him for one night a week, get your own weekly hobby and support each other.

So this isnt about his hobby really, it's about you not feeling you have any downtime. These are easy fixes, it sounds like you are being a bit of a martyre and not helping the situation.

There is no reason why your husband can't put your child to bed, start by sharing bedtimes. One night he sorts tea , even if it's putting something in the microwave or boiling a bit of pasta! Or he makes the packed lunch.

If you do the above, there is no reason why you can't have a free evening to do something you enjoy.

I’d let this go TBH. Why don’t you prepare an easy tea like beans on toast for your child at say 6pm and chuck a Charlie Bigham’s in the oven at 7.15pm ready for your DH’s arrival at 7.45pm. Then say ‘Can you chuck a dark wash on please?’

Eat together and be all done and dusted by 8.30pm to relax together. Working from home Mon-Fri is lonely, it’s important he sees mates. But also, if he’s WFH all the time it’s far easier to keep on top of chores and washing.

"DH doesn't cook or do lunches" - why? That's an easy fix . Anyone can make a sandwich and it only takes a couple of minutes. Any other lunch items - organise it at the weekend, put them in a box ready to grab when needed.
As for cooking - not acceptable if DH says he can't cook, and absolutely unacceptable to say he won't!. Anyone can make a pasta meal, and anyone can quickly learn how to make a basic casserole. Especially if you have a slow cooker.
Bedtime - ridiculous situation to say LO won't let dad do bathtime and put them to bed. You need to really work on that - if they cry, let them it would be much easier if you're actually out, LO should accept it better. The sooner you break that dependency the better.
Good luck!

YANBU to feel resentful - you're just focusing on the wrong thing. It sounds like Mondays are stressful for you, that's why it's important for you to take equal time. Him not doing bedtime or making dinners or lunches isn't on. He needs to step up there. Take an evening a week for you. It doesn't matter whether you go out and do something, or shut yourself in a bath for two hours. Set your boundary, you are not to be disturbed.

On a Monday make dinner a quick thing or something pre-prepared. I used to have this on a Wednesday and it stressed me out trying to get home, get my daughter fed, get her to her activity, get home at a reasonable time for bed and then get everything ready for both of us the next day. The easiest weeks were the days I parked it down. Scrambled eggs and toast for dinner and lunch then next day would be something I could heat in the microwave the next morning and put in a flask. But actually in your case I would tell him he's making the lunch for Tuesday because you've got enough to be doing on Monday.

That wasn't my question was it? I just want to know about the length of time it takes to make packed lunches. Hummus from scratch, carrot batons all the same size?

I don't think YABU. I think it's fine for him to go. but HE needs to:

Pick son up from nursery
Make dinner for you all
Sort clothes
Sort lunches

You can do bedtime.

Tell him if he wants to keep his Monday as it is, he needs to pull his weight by doing the prep before going.

He WFH. He can start dinner earlier in the day. Same with clothes for next day. Do it in his break. Lunches he can do before leaving to go out.

It should be win win. He gets to go. Your load is lightened.

Yep. If she's doing bedtime then he should be doing the prep for the next day. No question.

Also half the time it's not making lunch that's the problem per se. It's the usual repetitive task and working out what the give them that they'll eat. Lunches are fucking groundhog day which is why I use a flask.