To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

I think it's more about the lack of support from DH with household tasks. He can easily prep lunches id working from home. He could also prepare a dinner as well so that you can heat it up. I would specifically plan to tackle bedtime. It's a lot to have to do the whole bedtime every night. Would be good for you to plan to specifically be out of the house so there is no choice.

As others have said, it's not the hobby that's unreasonable if it's only one night a week, it's the division of labour if you are doing everything in the evening.

He can't just opt out of cooking/bedtime. He needs to learn how to do both.

DH needs to start doing bedtimes some nights. It's nice and easy for him to say that DC prefers mummy - the reason DC wants you is because you always do it - it's a circular argument. The way for DC to start accepting daddy is for daddy to start doing it!

Take up your own hobby one evening a week. Has the added benefit that your DC will have to get used to DH doing bedtime!!

In what way would that really help though?
OP is home with the toddler just after 5pm, that’s plenty of time to feed herself and the DC, get him washed and wind down for bed.
She doesn’t need to be at home all day to prepare for her DH going out for less than 3 hours once a week.

No you can’t ask him to do that it’s one night a week ffs.

YANBU

I felt the same my dh had an evening hobby and it was literally at bedtime . We have one SEN child as well as a baby and I couldn’t cope so he had to give up.

How about doing a hobby on a Friday? You'll have been with your child all day, it would be good for him to get used to Daddy putting him to bed sometimes, and if you're not there I suspect he'll accept it.

YABU to want him to stop his one night a wek hobby. So let that go.

But he is inadequate in the parenting and partner expectations and standards. This needs to change. And the way to get change is a reset and that will involve you being out. So choose an evening, maybe Wednesday or Thursday, and go out. Swimming is a good one if you have a nearby pool. You dont do dinner or lunches that evening or do bedtime. Or wash up after him. Every week. He should also do pick up from childcare that night. This is the equivalent of his Monday.

Ask him which other two nights of the week he is taking over the planning and the cooking , and choose one for eating out / take out etc. when someone has been so used to getring away with doing nothing at home you have to be ruthless to even it up again.

The issue is he does nothing any night of the week.

Yes, you’re focussing on completely the wrong issue here…

The answer is for him to do more cooking/childcare, not to give up socialising on Monday evenings.

I find it interesting that you have automatically and unquestioningly taken responsibility for all the household chores without questioning it, and then saw his hobby as the issue here… Why is that do you think?

It’s only one evening a week. I think between the both of you make dinner on the Sunday so you can have it on the Monday evening. There is probably a bigger issue that your dh doesn’t do enough. Take yourself out one evening during the week and let dh deal with dinner and bedtime. I know you say dc settles for you better, but that’s typical. It won’t change until you leave him to it.

what lunches are you making and how is this such a chore? It sounds like you are making a big deal out of everything.

If you looked after yourself you wouldn’t begrudge anyone. Start prioritising yourself and stop making all the food. Toast is fine sometimes.

You don’t need him to stop his hobby one day a week. You need to
a) change your priorities (make mon night an easy tea and he can grab something when he get in)
b) have a frank discussion about the decision of labour - if he’s home at 7:45 there’s no reason he can’t do clothes & lunches.
c) if need be reconsider your working pattern/childcare options if theyre making you miserable so you can find time to do something for yourself.

Sorry I missed the updates. He needs to be doing bedtime. Your child won’t get used to it being done by him unless he actually does it. He also needs to be helping with cooking or lunches or you need to, adjust your meal plan so you have 2-3 quick and easy meals a week. And just give yourself the evening off one day a week. The day can be negotiated but it’s his turn to do everything you do on a mon

If you're cooking dinner every night he should definitely be doing lunches. But the key thing IMO is that he steps up at bedtime.

If he is working from home he should be getting something prepped for dinner every day, even if it is only peeling vegetables, putting meat into a slow cooker, etc etc. He could be doing this during his lunch break or when he finishes work. I work from home and am really busy/full-on with work but I can always get something personal achieved in my breaks. Given you have to do every bedtime - you need to break your son into having his dad do this sometimes - I would be expecting him to deal with the after-dinner kitchen jobs too.

It looks like you have now correctly identified your resentment which is not his hobby but the fact that you do a full day of work and go home to do dinner and bedtime routine. You need to divide those tasks up.

One of you cooks dinner/washes up and does lunches, the other sorts things for the next day and does bath and bedtime.Cooking and washing up on the same day may seem unfair but ime when a man cooks and knows he's not cleaning the kitchen up afterwards he doesn't clean as he goes and the kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off afterwards. Don't set yourself up for cleaning that.

You need to work towards your husband being able to do the bedtime routine if you want to be able to have any hobbies in the evening yourself.

I wouldn't have any more children until you have addressed this imbalance.

I’m guessing you’ve allowed this situation to develop at bedtime because you feel guilt that you’re working so much… Your DD cries for you, and you indulge it as that’s your time with her.

At the root of your problem is that you’re trying to have it all… Successful career, good wife (doing all the chores), and being an involved mum to a toddler. You’re burning out… If you want to be an happy, good, and involved parent (mum or dad) you need to step back from prioritising your career for a few years… You’ll have time to focus on your career in your 40/50s, but you’ll never get those pre-school years back.

YABU as it’s 1 day. As he works at home he is right in that it’s good for him to get out and he has made friends. I’m sure you can manage for a couple of hrs once a week.

He needs to to prep tea for Monday
you say you sort lunches if he works from home he can make his own and doesn’t DS get his lunch at nursery
you’ve listed sorting clothes what’s involved with that

I do a hobby one afternoon a weekend most weekends.

If my partner asked me to change it to somewhere closer I’d be 🤨. The whole point is that I’ve made friends, I like the setup, the standard is just right.

I do though make life easier for him before I go, I usual check what’s in for dinner and sometimes prep it in advance if I know he’s knackered or the kids are out and about.

Yes YABU.

It’s one evening a week and he’s obviously made social connections there. It’s important that men have a group of people they feel they can talk to as it’s very common for them to not have many friends the older they get.

Take another night of the week for yourself.

YABU it's one day a week. BUT he needs to contribute to the evening to do list. Or you get an evening when he does everything by himself and you go to a hobby or with friends or to the gym or to a coffee shop and read a book in peace. It needs to be fair.

Stop letting your child dictate who does bed time. The only way they’ll get comfortable with DH doing it is for him to actually do it. You’re making yourself a martyr but constantly jumping in and taking over.

Yeah, you need to be out a few evenings a week to nip this in the bud. Yes he’ll have a few horrible evenings but she’s not in charge and you need to get her happy to be put to bed by him- what if you need to go to hospital or away on a work trip etc?

No big deal, just “mummy’s out this evening so Daddy is putting you to bed, see you in the morning, love you.” Then go swimming, see friends or even just sit in a pub for a few hours with a book, whatever.