To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

@Rigglepop he needs to do his share of household stuff, cooling, laundry and bedtimes. This will mean you letting them get on with stuff and not intervening. Dad needs to lead on a couple of bed times. I’d suggest if you want to condense your hours you consider whether you might put your child in day care for even half the day to give you some down time. At the moment too much is on you.

It definitely sounds like he could do more of the chores, maybe he can cook before he goes? but I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to change where he goes to his hobby. He's gone for less than 3 hours once a week, that's very reasonable, especially since it sounds like you only have one child. Why are you unable to have an evening for you, if you're back at 5.15?

Once I’m home I’m straight in to cooking dinner, packing lunches. Then by the time we’ve had dinner I want to play with my little one for an hour before getting ready for bed. DH doesn’t do bedtime (little one refuses this) so from anywhere from 7.30-8pm I’m putting them to bed which can take up to an hour. I’m non stop from 5.30am when I wake up so come 8-8.30pm I just want to relax for an hour before going to bed

Dh should do bedtime or if not, he could be making the lunches or dinner while you're doing it. Sounds like he's not really contributing when he is there, so its not really the once a week hobby thats the problem

YABVU - one night a week.

He clearly needs to cook and do bedtime!! Dh, this isn’t sustainable. When I was thinking about how I resented your hobby I realised what I resent is that you don’t carry your share of our load. You don’t cook, pack lunch or do bedtime. So you are going to start doing all of those things. If I’m ill and feel like I have to crawl out of bed to cook because we have a child and you can’t take cwre of them I guarantee I will fall out of love with you. Which two nights a week would you like to cook and which two nights would you like to do bedtime? One of those nights you need to cook do bedtime and pack lunch as I am going to start taking that night off. I need to be in a marriage with someone who supports me the way I support you. You get time off. I don’t. It’s not time off if the work waits for me.

He does collect from childcare the other 3 days. My sister looks after our son on a Monday and she lives on route to/from work so it does make sense for me to drop and collect on a Monday.
so does he also do drop offs on the other 3 days?
how old is little one that bed time takes an hour?

I think it’s really sad that you say you have your son a Friday to save costs, rather than because you want to spend time with him.

This isn’t about the hobby, this is you feeling resentment about the amount you do at home which to be fair is understandable. Your DH should be cooking tea sometimes and doing packed lunches.
Firstly he does need to put your little one to bed alternate nights because otherwise you will always have to.
My youngest was bf until he was 2 and I always did bedtimes as he fed himself to sleep. As soon as I stopped BF, DH started doing bedtimes too, it took awhile but our little one goes to bed now just as easily for his Dad as he does for me as we do the same routine, warm milk and a banana, teeth, bed time story then we stay until he nods off and creep out.
If you don’t have one get a slow cooker, on busier days either myself or DH will chuck food in one in the morning so it’s ready when we get home.
I always do the kids packed lunches the eve before whilst DH stacks the dish washer before bed (apparently I don’t stack it properly 🙈)
His one eve a week is not unreasonable but he should be doing more when at home.

Sorry OP but yabu, it's one evening. I'd be shocked if my dp said I had to quit my only hobby in order to prepare dinner for a toddler. Forget cooking dinner if it's too stressful - left overs, a can of beans, a sandwich, cheese and crackers or a ready meal will do. Don't worry about food for dh, he can open his own can of beans. Clothes - lay out two sets on sunday. Leave other house work for the next day.

I’m getting confused. Is your problem that he leaves dinner and lunches to you on all days or just Mondays?

If it is just Mondays (hobby days) I would say yabu. Let him have his hobby and pick up the slack. If he wfh every day, lets you do a 13 hour day then come home and cook for him and do all the chores and bedtime every other day as well, then that needs to change. He needs to start doing some dinners, sort the bed time issue, make the lunches, and give you time to relax or do a hobby of your own.

The hobby is not the problem here, it’s the division of labour.

The problem isn't the hobby - its your husband's general lack of participation in evening parenting/household responsibilities.

He needs to start cooking and putting your child to bed. Alternate it so you each cook every other day and whoever doesn't cook puts your child to bed. If it gets hard for him, dont step in and do it for him - your child will get used to it.

The hobby is fine but your husband needs to do some of the Monday evening tasks when he gets in - laundry, packed lunches, etc. And you need a similar amount of time that's ringfenced as your time at the weekend- in fact a bit more time than his Monday hobby takes up as you do a day of childcare while also working full time.

This situation isn't going to evolve into something fair. You need to be specific with him about how things are going to change and why. Tell him, don't ask him.

You want to play with LO for an hour before bedtime every night, that's fair enough, but that's your choice over doing a hobby.

if you were out, your LO would have to put up with Daddy putting them to bed. They'll cope.

why does your DH not do any dinners? What arrangement do you have that means you do all the cooking? Even if he's not a good cook, he can learn & in the meantime he can make simple meals like pasta.

you're being a martyre -why? Do you feel guilty working & having your LO. In childcare? Do you feel the need to be super wife & mum? Were you brought up very traditionally? Was DH? Times have changed.

On the nights you do dinner he can sort the packed lunches that doesn't take long anyway but is one less thing for you to think about.

I'd also cook something large on Sunday or Saturday and keep it in the fridge so it just needs warming up on Monday evening. There are lots of ways to make life a little bit easier, you just need to allow yourself to do things a little differently sometimes.

I'm not going to be that wanker that asks how single working parents cope.

D'oh!

Of course you are BU re hobby. As a partnership though YANBU, you're knackered and it's understandable. Child needs to learn that Dad is doing bedtimes. Dadneeds to support this. Or Dad needs to take on some more chores rather than leave the bulk to you.

What about a timetable?

The bedtime “ only mummy will do” can be tackled by making sure you are out of the house for bedtime . Then he can say “ mummy is out - it’s a daddy bedtime “ . Go swimming, yoga, join a book club whatever for one evening regularly . Stick to it and he will have to do bedtime. The little one will get used to it.

I also agree Dad is perfectly capable of putting your child to bed. It needs to be a case of "Mummy has said goodnight, Daddy is doing your story." Don't make it optional.

Could you swap your non working day to the Monday?

It feels like you’re being a bit of a martyr compressing a full time week into four days and then looking after your toddler on the Friday to save money on childcare. Is that absolutely necessary financially? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have one evening a week for a hobby, I think the issue is that you’ve arranged your work so it’s impossible for you to get similar time. If you want to continue with the compressed pattern he at least needs to be solely responsible for your son one or two evenings a week or one weekend day so you can get some time off as well.

It’s once a week and not on a weekend, I think he’s being very fair.

From your long hours your baby isn't breastfeeding for necessity, or at all, so there's no reason he can't do bedtime. It's really important for all three of you that everyone is comfortable with this.
"But I want mummy bedtime!!!!!!"
"I'm really looking forward to that too! Can't wait to do bedtime tomorrow! Daddy's turn tonight, we love you so much we have to take turns"

I think that the first thing is to involve DH in bedtime so you both do it for a while. Then your LO will be used to him and you can have a hobby as well.

The pair of you need to do some batch cook on a weekend.

Or if he wfh he needs to cook the dinner on his lunch break so it can be reheated

You need to dump the mum guilt and do some stuff for.yourself

Agree with this.

It sounds like you choose to stay in. Your DH takes one night out which you could do and you would still have the 6 other nights to play with your child before bed. You even have all day Friday with them so it's not like you are completely missing out on time with them.

In terms of bedtime both child and DH are less likely to make a fuss if you are not in the house. The child will learn mum is not available and dad will have to get on with it. If his current excuse is the little one won't settle and he relies on you to step in, he will soon learn to manage himself.

Are you cooking full on meals each day as this does still sound full on how you are saying you have so much to do, which is normal for anyone. As suggested batch cook at weekends or on fridays, have easy meals planned for some nights e.g. pizza, oven chips, jacket potatoes.

If you feel you are doing more in the house then you need to communicate. Say you would like it if DH could get the dinner sorted some evenings. Tell him it's his turn to get baby ready for bed.
You do sound a bit controlling and that you want to do these things so you can't then moan he doesn't step in.