Who is in the wrong here?

[Mumof2soon2be3]

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

YABU for getting pregnant knowing what he is like

We all know we have choices when a pregnancy isn't planned. You have chosen to go forward, but must realise this man is a certain type. He doesn't ask beforehand, just rants and makes it your fault. He then seeks forgiveness, knowing you'll give it.
You need to protect your DC. You're currently being negligent to their current and future needs. Time to get your boundaries firmed up and stick to them.

You dont need it to be unilaterally accepted hes in the wrong to leave.

You dont have to agree or convince him hes the problem to leave

He can think or say its your fault and you can let him think what he likes and leave anyway. You dont need his agreement to sack him off

When they show you who they are, listen!!

he isnt gonna change, he’s a walking red flag.

put you & your children first, kick him out.

He’s not a good dad.

if he was a good dad he would respect the mother of his child / children. And he doesn’t

OP you have now had children with two different men and the current one sounds like a complete shit show. You should probably get a better understanding of what constitutes a good father and a good partner before you get pregnant with your fourth child.

What an absolute asshole he is. You will feel so much better when you get him turfed out of YOUR home.

All he appears to being to the table is unreliability. No one needs that in their lives.

Call it a day OP you don’t need this nob messing with your head.

You can love him and leave anyway.

And id be asking what you do love in him: because you highlighted, aggression, abuse, alcoholism, gaslighting, agression, lack of accountability, lack of reliablity, lack of commitment, a history of letting his current children down.

You might feel alone but you arent. Youve had sound advice here, a friend youre confiding in, family who want him gone post incident. Youve your own home and seperate finances. You are excellently placed to kick him to the kerb. And the feelings of loneliness are a combination of pregnacy hormones, a phisological response to this toxic relationship making you feel needy for him, and his behaviour making you feel shame and therefore isolating yourself from your support network. All of which will improve if you do one brave thing

Ahh OP I feel for you. Really sh*t situation to be in and I understand how let down you must be feeling.

However, I think DP has proven his true colours here and if he lets down the DC he already has then you can bet he will continue to do the same to your shared DC aswell as your own. It's not fair to the DC involved nor to you. I would walk away from the relationship now before this gets any worse. Allowing him back into your home whilst p*ssed and/or off his face on whatever else and with his anger is recipe for disaster. Hand hold for you but you have got this. Call on those friends & family around you for support and tell him to clean his act up if he wants to be in his kids lives.

This relationship is a toal disaster. As far as I can see it will only get worse. Its probably time to call it a day.

Pretty sure you will fall out of love pretty quickly when you're away from him and can see somewhat more objectively what an utter arsehole he is. Rip the plaster off, leave the fucker, your life will be better - hard, no doubt (focus now on building a good support network around yourself) - but better.

I said to my DD (17) the other day - one of the most import decisions you will make in life is who you decide to have a baby with.

You'd be in the wrong to stay with this pig.

Generally he sounds awful. But you dont need my agreement, his agreement or anyone else's to leave

He can say its all your fault and youre nutty/bitchy/unreasonable/crazy/insert any malicious thing an angry man might say. And thats ok. Its ok if he means it. Its ok if he believes it. Leave anyway. If youre in the wrong youve done him a favour (I dont think you are, I just think you arent obliged to stay with regardless of who is in the wrong)

Find two suitable family members, one to look after your kids while you have this baby imminently; the other [a burly sort would be handy] to sort changing the locks and ensuring he doesn't gain admittance while you are in hospital

Tell your midwife he is not to gain access to the ward.
Tell the police that he is likely to be a danger to your children and your family members who are looking after them.
Message his ex to say that you've kicked him out so she is in the picture and isn't relying on him/your home for childcare.

When that's done, message him to say his stuff can be picked up from the driveway at X time.

Yes, it's embarrassing to admit that you let him back when you shouldn't have but don't let that stop you from making the step you must to get rid of this man from your children's lives and your home. He certainly won't be an asset when you have a newborn on your hands.

Ive experienced this type of behaviour. Was a coke problem. I stayed because I love him. Once kids came along I made it clear I wouldnt put up with it. He was better but still let me down on occasion. Finally he actually broke down to me and admitted he had a problem. After that he decided he was going to give up alcohol which he did for a year. That worked well in breaking his habit. He lost a lot of friends as he stopped going out but he had to prioritise his family. 6 years on now and his family is everything to him and he would never behave like that. At the end of the day he has an addiction and there was been a couple of slips but nothing like what your partner is doing.
My point is that he will only change if he decides he wants to change. Ive been through the begging them to stop all that and the promises never last. Actions speak louder than words and if he is not majorly apologetic and trying to prove to you that he is going to get his act together and be a proper father I would tell him to leave. Maybe he will need to hit rock bottom in this way before he gets a wake up call.
Sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is.

Wave him off. This relationship is going nowhere.

You're unreasonable expecting him to change when you've already put up with this bullshit for however long you've been in this relationshit.

He's unreliable, manipulative, possibly with an incident of abuse thrown in that you rugswept against the advice of friends and family, probably an alcoholic or using. But you chose to not only have your kids live with him, but to bring a baby into this relationshit. He's absolutely not a good father, good fathers model good behaviour for their kids. They're role models in how they treat the people around them and how they live their lives. Do you want your kids treating their partner like he's treated you? Being irresponsible assholes?

You've made some poor choices. It's time to face reality and start making better ones. This guy is never going to change. He's not a good father.

These types of posts are becoming more and more frequent. It is tedious and depressing to read again and again 'but he is a good dad'

I don't know any good dad that goes AWOL on drink and drug benders!

As sure as shit we wouldn't be saying it about a woman who left her kids and partner to get high and wasted.

What's done is done now though. You said you would be better off financially too, if he left. I can imagine what this means.. Kick him out OP.

Something tells me you won't though.

Stupid or not, you need to not be stupid in the future.

Leave him. Raise your three kids alone.

You'll be better off than raising five kids alone..

This will never change, I absolutely promise you. Never. Nothing will ever happen to change him. Strong likelihood is he's an alcoholic.

You will be raising this baby in this exact same horrible atmosphere until he does you a massive favour and inflicts his vile person on some other poor unsuspecting woman.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. This is no environment to raise them in.

I was you, once, many years ago. The man was equally vile. Getting to the pub was the only thing he cared about and when he got there he would never come home or answer his phone. I bitterly regret every single minute of every day I wasted on him. I didn't leave until he did worse than just go AWOL and spend all his money in the pub.

Do yourself and your kids the biggest favour in the world and get rid now. He will bring you nothing but misery. If he's 'finished' it accept it, tell him he is right, you are no good together and do not relent when he comes crawling back.

One day you will regret every second you wasted on him..

This x10000

It's pretty clear the OPs partner has other priorities and that drink and maybe drugs and whatever else are a factor. But the OP doesn't have the time now to wait for him to hit rock bottom and decide he wants to change for himself or his family... she needs to focus on her 2 kids and incoming baby.
Who knows, he might see the light in the future but right now she needs a safe and reliable home for her children far away from him.

There's no point in playing the "you shouldn't have got pregnant" or "shouldn't have took him back before" game now...
The OP needs help not to be given out to.

Op when someone is good at turning things around and being manipulative to avoid accountability (which is what he's doing- he knows this is unacceptable he actually just doesn't care because he knows he can bully/manipulate you into forgiving him) the best thing you can do is look at his actions, not his words.

He's not just disappearing - he's going out getting hammered, spending family money, letting his kids down, leaving his partner in a vulnerable position, he's happily risking missing the birth of his child, he's obviously sleeping somewhere- with who would be my question and he's been presumably physically abusive to you in the past reading between the lines?

If you have a girl your relationship with this man will be her blueprint of what a healthy normal relationship is like. If you have a boy, this relationship with this man is what will teach him about women's place in the world and how to act in relationships. He is not a good father, your bar is just extremely low. A good father would never do these things and would never treat the mother of his child this way. You can't trust him, you can't rely on him and you can't talk to him about your worries and fears.

He has no reason to change op, he can take his money go out shag around and benefit from the family YOU do all the work for when he feels like playing family man. This all works in his favour which is why he's doing it. He's a narcissist. He KNOWS the impact on you and on the kids and he CHOOSES this because the most important person in his world, is him. Why would he change- he's got everything exactly as it suits him. It's not an accident. It's not a 'problem' he has. It's a choice.

This is what the rest of your life will look like right here op. Its not going to get better because men like this don't change. It will only get worse. Please, please do not waste the rest of your life on this waste of energy. You and your children deserve so much more.

I would recommend doing a freedom programme and speaking to womens aid because op - this is abuse. You are being abused. And you deserve support and much, much more. One person's love cannot support an entire relationship- it has to be two people equally invested and he's not.

Firstly the baby was unplanned. Unless you’re spectacularly dim or very unlucky you shouldn’t have got pregnant or you did do so thinking he would change.

He will be in your life forever now that’s if he actually sees his new baby.

I don’t know what you’re asking for here, you know what you want/should do and he’s told you it’s over.

You won't listen though will you @Mumof2soon2be3

I said to my DD (17) the other day - one of the most import decisions you will make in life is who you decide to have a baby with.

It really is and it's one you can't ever put fully right if you get it wrong.

Yes. PLEASE get in touch with your midwife asap.

I'm furious on your behalf that this arseh has put you under so much stress right at the point where you are so vulnerable.

Please talk to your friend. You need help and support to get shot of this useless excuse for a partner. Don't call yourself stupid, they will only be too glad that you are putting yourself and your children first.

Every penny you subsidise this loser with is effectively being taken away from your children. You gave this person a chance several times and they didn't live up to it.. . Stop beating yourself up and focus now on having your baby. Get your friends/relatives to help you eject him as safely as possible and block. He's not interested in your pregancy so no need to update him. Pick a new birth partner and try, hard tho it is, to relax as much as possible. Get relatives to help out.
A new baby should be a happy time of your life, where your two kids get to know your new little one in peace dwithout all the shitty antics of your rubbish freeloading "partner". Give them, and you, this gift.

You say he always makes you doubt yourself and blame yourself. Don't even bother having a conversation with him. You don't need him to say more horrible things to you. Focus on the new life you can have without this burden, treat yourself, ask friends/relatives to help you have a bit of rest and most of all get the midwifes to check you out... and get it on your notes that he's not welcome at the hospital. You don't want a drunk turning up and causing a fuss.