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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

202 replies

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 07:34

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

OP posts:
ChimpOnMyShoulder · 03/02/2026 08:30

Please please get out of this relationship. Your baby comes first, and this is not a good dad. He won’t change. It doesn’t sound like he does anything to make your life easier or better. I know it’s hard when you love someone, but loving someone doesn’t mean they get to shit all over you and your child. You are so much better living a peaceful, settled life. Wishing you and your baby all the best.

firstofallimadelight · 03/02/2026 08:30

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 08:20

Thanks for your replies. I do understand everyone saying just leave him and I shouldn’t have got pregnant knowing what he’s like, but I do love him and I really thought he wanted to change.
he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,
it’s hard because I feel trapped and alone. His manipulation and gas lighting makes me doubt whether I’m the problem.
I know what I need to do.

People don’t change because other people want them to. They only change if they want to. He doesn’t want to change or isn’t capable of change. Either way what you see is what you get. You don’t want this so you need to move on.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/02/2026 08:34

He's not a good dad, is he? What metric are you using to say he's 'good'? He sounds like a terrible dad to me and that's just from what you've said, I've no doubt there's much more he's doing that's just as bad.

Do I understand correctly that right now he's said it's over, you don't want him back, he's not in the house?

Excellent. The trash has taken itself out, if you say anything to him it should be 'glad we agree it's over, your stuff will be on the doorstep at 5pm on thursday'.

The most pressing thing to think about right now is your the birth of your baby. Do you need a birthing partner? Your mum perhaps or a sister or best friend? Get that sorted out now so you have a plan.

WelshRabBite · 03/02/2026 08:36

Thank god it’s your house.

You now need him out of it.

You already have two DC and you’re bringing in a third with a man who doesn’t even see his own 2DC for one day a week 🙄 but goes drinking instead.

He’s not a “good dad”, he’s an unreliable, flaky man with alcohol issues who doesn’t take the blame for his own bad behaviour.

Please believe that you and your children deserve better than this. You’ve already said that you’ll be financially better off without him, so you are depriving your DC of funds to house him?? Even if you don’t need that money on a day-to-day basis you could be putting it in savings for your DC or even start a pension for them, instead you’re spending that money on keeping a man who doesn’t love or respect you; what a waste ☹️

TY78910 · 03/02/2026 08:37

Obviously you’re not in the wrong here.

I also appreciate how LTB would be a hard decision for you, giving you’re about to give birth and already have DC.

IMO (not excusing his behaviour because he’s being selfish), but someone who feels the need to go out and drink to this extent so many days of the week needs to realise they have a problem. If you choose to work through your relationship he needs to be seeking help - AA or the likes.

Yestocoffeeatnight86 · 03/02/2026 08:46

So you already have 4 (!) kids between you and now you’re bringing another child into the world. Into this shit situation. Can you afford 5 kids?! We struggle with 2 and are both decent earners. I’m sorry but this all sounds very irresponsible and quite mad that you have to ask for advice?!

RoachFish · 03/02/2026 08:49

Thank god you are not financially trapped by this drunkard. It's very easy for you to get rid of him the way things are right now, don't get further involved with him. Yes, having a baby by yourself is going to be really hard, but even if he stayed he would be of no help. He would probably just make your life even harder by going out and coming home all hours, being verbally abusive towards you and just drag down the mood.

It was a huge mistake getting pregnant by him, but at least give your baby the chance of having a stable beginning to their life and your older ones some peace too.

Iamnotalemming · 03/02/2026 08:49

He won't change and you can't make him.
Your no. 1 priority should be a stable home environment for your kids. Get him in the bin before baby arrives.

SunnyViper · 03/02/2026 08:51

He has repeatedly displayed this behaviour and you are still with him? And even worse having a child with him??

Fifthtimelucky · 03/02/2026 08:52

I think the advice to LTB is given out rather too often on Mumsnet.

In this case it is absolutely justified - and it’s good news that the house belongs to the OP, so throwing him out should be a relatively easy process.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/02/2026 08:52

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 08:20

Thanks for your replies. I do understand everyone saying just leave him and I shouldn’t have got pregnant knowing what he’s like, but I do love him and I really thought he wanted to change.
he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,
it’s hard because I feel trapped and alone. His manipulation and gas lighting makes me doubt whether I’m the problem.
I know what I need to do.

He's a terrible selfish dad. Just from this weekend's actions alone.

MidWayThruJanuary · 03/02/2026 08:53

@Mumof2soon2be3
What makes you think he is a 'good dad'?

Snappyg666 · 03/02/2026 08:56

Shit man.
Woman decides to have a baby with him.

It doesnt matter how many stories we share, nothing ever changes. it's the same old scene, generation after generation.

PruthePrune · 03/02/2026 08:58

Yet another tale of a feckless cocklodger and a baby on the way. What a mess.

BudgetBuster · 03/02/2026 09:00

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 08:25

@BudgetBuster no it my house we are luckily not financially tied.

@Mumof2soon2be3
Good... hes not in the house now so call someone to change the locks immediately. Do not let him back in. Get the locks changed and pack his things!

Call your friend and ask her for her help and support today.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/02/2026 09:02

I agree you have basically created this shit show for yourself (having him back, continuing the pregnancy, etc), however we all live and learn and I’m sorry for all your kids sakes you are in this position. Please listen to people on here and get rid of this selfish, uncaring twat. He.Will. Not. Change. He. Does. Not. Care. You can and will do this yourself op (it’s your house, so out he goes, today), you all deserve so much better than him. Maybe stay single for a bit, and consider counselling re why your self esteem is so low.

PhaedraWas · 03/02/2026 09:02

Freysimo · 03/02/2026 07:51

I'm sorry for you OP, but my God, these threads are depressing. You and your children are worth more than this, can you not see that? Why are women still letting men walk all over them? I think we need lessons in school about self worth.

Well the children are - not sure about the women who deliberately land their children in these situations.

aWeeCornishPastie · 03/02/2026 09:03

Wow you put up with this for 2 years and got pregnant by this man(child) obviously he is a shit but why on earth are you with him ?

ParisianLady · 03/02/2026 09:04

I know you won’t believe us, and it’s hard to hear but the truth is;

  • he is not a good dad
  • he is not a good man
  • he doesn’t care about you
  • he only cares about himself
  • it is not a woman’s job to fix broken men
  • He. Will. Never. Change

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

This will be your life for years to come, same drama, same stress, same BS. If you want to rinse and repeat for the next 20 years, stay with him. If you can see that you deserve better, leave.

hididdlyho · 03/02/2026 09:04

A good Dad doesn't piss money away on alcohol and drugs and put his own desire to party before his kids. A good partner doesn't ignore his heavily pregnant girlfriend having pains so he can go out on a bender. He may occasionally get his shit together enough to be nice and play with them now and again. Toss them a few crumbs to show potential, when he knows full well he has no intention of ever following through. At least then when someone accuses him of being a bad Dad, he can reply with 'but I took them on that day out a couple of months ago and they had a good time'. Sound familiar?

What you have here is an addict who will always choose to put substances before his kids and partner because he knows how to prey on women who will put up with his shitty behaviour.

crazeekat · 03/02/2026 09:04

U know the answer get rid of him. You have enough on your plate. Your baby doesn’t need this and you will be busy enough. Get his stuff out and get yourself into a proper routine when baby comes without this loser. And get money from him too for baby. If he can put it in the pub he can give it to baby. You know this is what needs to happen, don’t be that pushover. He is taking the piss and gaslighting you. He is abusive. Listen to your friends and family, he won’t change, not even for a baby.

Pricelessadvice · 03/02/2026 09:06

When are women going to get some self respect? Every day on this forum there’s post after post about someone pregnant to a loser, saying “I thought he’d changed”
Stop bringing children into the world with useless waste of space men.
It paints women in such a pathetic, needy light and it’s infuriating. They aren’t going to ‘change’.

Left · 03/02/2026 09:07

Mate you are asking the wrong question.

Asking who is in the wrong implies that some kind of dialogue or negotiation is possible. It is not, your partner is an absolute waste of energy. Instead ask how you can navigate single life happily and effectively and stop your dependence on him.

GreenMeeple · 03/02/2026 09:08

Mumof2soon2be3 · 03/02/2026 08:20

Thanks for your replies. I do understand everyone saying just leave him and I shouldn’t have got pregnant knowing what he’s like, but I do love him and I really thought he wanted to change.
he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,
it’s hard because I feel trapped and alone. His manipulation and gas lighting makes me doubt whether I’m the problem.
I know what I need to do.

HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD!

Get this out of your head and leaving him will be so much easier.

A good dad shows up for his kids even when its hard.
A good dad is there for his kids every single day.
A good dad doesn't disappear
A good dad puts his kids before himself
A good dad is there for his pregnant partner and shows his kids by example how to look after people.
A good dad doesn't gaslight or makes excuses for bad behaviour.
A good dad doesn't do drugs or spends entire weekends drinking.

A good dad isn't just someone how is fun with his kids and looks after them when he feels like it. He leads by example, shows up even when he doesn't want to and shows his kids what a good human being looks like. Being a good dad is hard, being a fun part time dad is easy.

NamingNoNames · 03/02/2026 09:08

I shouldn’t have got pregnant knowing what he’s like, but I do love him
Do you really? Why???
and I really thought he wanted to change.
More fool you.
he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc
He's not a good dad then is he.

His manipulation and gas lighting makes me doubt whether I’m the problem.
He's a shit partner and a shit father.