Who is in the wrong here?

[Mumof2soon2be3]

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

How can you say he is a good Dad?

My neighbour is kind to my child when they see them. That is just what courteous people do.

Dad's are reliable and dependable. They support their loved ones. They are consistently kind and loving, regardless of situation. You don't get to run away because you are in a bad mood/fancy a drink/bored of home life.

I just do not understand how you can say he is a good dad. Raise your bar!

he is a good dad

Of course he is! He's a brilliant dad! Who just happens to have a huge problem with drink and drugs, goes on all day benders, doesn't pick his kids up when planned because he's pissed, leaves his heavily pregnant partner at home to go out all weekend and doesn't answer her calls....

Dad of the Year! 🏆

Oh I really feel for you. It's so frickin disappointing when these absolute tools can't behave like adults.

You're just gonna have to get rid of him. Trying to bring a baby/child up with him is going to be a total disaster and will just cause you and the child huge amounts of stress and upset.

Look after yourself and your child / children. Kick him out and have a stress free life.

I did and it's absolute bliss I can tell you.

Advice? Ditch him.
You’re 36 weeks pregnant and he went awol and didn’t read your messages? That there, is not a good dad.

OP, there is no reward for putting up with this shite, only endless misery, and it doesn't get you morality points either.

He's not a good dad.

He'd rather go out on a bender than see the children he made a commitment to. Let me guess, he only sees them at weekends/every other weekend... and I doubt this is the first time he's let them down at the last minute for selfish reasons?

Self-centred men like him will never change, no matter how much you hope and believe they will. He has no potential.

4 kids between you plus one on the way with this man. You’ve been putting up with his “disappearing act” for years so why did you expect anything less. Please say he’s a fantastic father to his other 2 kids 50/50 full maintence, fully involved in their lives and his share of the parenting because if not, then your screwed.

First comment nails it - why on earth add a baby into this shit show. Your poor older children.

Sorry op there will be other women too .

You know deep down the answer , this man won’t change .

The poor kids involved in this shitshow. Neither parent is looking out for them or prioritising them.
What chance have they got in life?

He's not a good dad or a good person. I hope you find the strength to draw a line under this. I don't say this often, but you'll be better off alone. He won't be around regardless so you might as well figure out how to manage on your own.

You sound really hard work. Why would he come home when he already had this crazy person messaging and phoning every 10 seconds. He knew that it was only going to go one way so possibly wanted to protect the baby.

Why didn't you sleep? No need for dramatics. You could have gone to bed and gone to sleep no bother.

It's the baby and the children I feel for. You both sound like nightmares

@sammylady37 you have no right to comment on my children. They have a wonderful life and will continue to do so and so will my baby

Genuinely the only thing that can be said. Doesn’t help you now but I honestly cannot understand these women that choose to have a baby with someone when you know that THIS is how they act. Thats absolutely mad to me!! And now another poor child is being brought in to this and for what?!

I was going to ask about the financials as I had a feeling that a man this manipulative and irresponsible would ALSO not be contributing fairly financially!

He's just an absolute mess - irresponsible, gaslighting, unkind, he has you thinking you're crazy... the list goes on. He's causing you huge issues (not sleeping for 2 nights, stress etc) when you have PLENTY on your plate already. The best thing to do for your baby, your older DC and yourself is to calmly end things and get him out of your life as much as possible. Hopefully at least you might have a few weeks of peace and calm before baby arrives and you can work out what to do from there.

So many times I read posts about men and just think "he doesn't like you". Maybe somewhere inside him there's some love but he doesn't actually like you. I wouldn't treat a stranger the way he is treating you let alone the person who is meant to be my partner. Please please don't think this is on you, I'm sure you're really likeable and a lovely person who clearly loves him very much and have given him many chances. It's 100% on him.

Nobody here is trying to be rude... but saying your kids have a wonderful life when you are subjecting them to this man isn't true.

They can have a wonderful life when you kick him out for good and put your 3 kids first.

I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years

And yet, put up with it, stayed with him, and wasn’t fussed if you got pregnant or not. And now you are upset about the disappearing acts? Leopards. Spots.

@Mumof2soon2be3 , you think that your children have a wonderful life when you have this 'stepfather' in their lives?
Your third child will have a father who prioritises going on a bender over being a father.

I'm not surprised that the pp said The poor kids involved in this shitshow. Neither parent is looking out for them or prioritising them.
What chance have they got in life?

If a friend said this to me I would call them delusional

Why have a baby with a man whose behaviour has never been supported. Yabu you basically set yourself up for a life of misery. He doesn’t want to be a partner, nor a step dad nor a dad he just wants to go on benders.

@Rosealea i sound like hard work?? Wow.
would you be ok with being 36 weeks pregnant and your boyfriend disappearing and turning his phone off or ignoring your calls?

I really hope that they do, but if you stay with this man they really won't. Your unborn baby is in for a childhood with constant disappointments from their dad. You will unfortunately have to try and make up for his failings and make sure they feel loved and secure with just you.

I also had kids with a shit dad and it takes a lot keep their mental health healthy and they have both needed therapy in their teens. They have come out the other side and they know his actions is not a reflection on who they are or how good/nice they are. It's definitely possible for a child to have a happy and stable childhood with one caring parent, it just takes a tremendous amount of work for the "good" parent to get them there.

He's a dick and possibly alcoholic and possibly fucking someone else.

You're well rid.

Find a birthing partner, childcare d dvd message him once the baby is here.

Be honest with everyone about what's happening so you can get support.

I'm so sorry he's treating you like this

Yep. Totally agree. Not sure why the OP is surprised it’s ended up like this. When will women learn that they have a choice about who to have children with?

Get this scummy little man out of your life now. He will only continue to let you down and make you miserable. He sounds like a waster from an awful 70s sitcom. I had a show the day before my son was born. How bloody dare he go AWOL. It's shitty behaviour at any time but with a birth coming in the few weeks, he should be doing better than this.

The more I read though, the more I thought that this isn't a panic about the birth, this is a long term let down of a man. Eww.

He will suck you dry and spit you out. He's choosing alcohol over his children and his partner.