Who is in the wrong here?

[Mumof2soon2be3]

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

That's hilarious.

Shes 36 weeks pregnant with back pains and a show. She could have been going into labour but he ignored his phone to protect the baby? , yeah, of course he did.

If he'd come home when he said, this wouldn't have happened. He's causing the hard work by lying and letting down his partner

Oh fuck off to all the arseholes attacking OP. She’ll get enough of that from him. How are those attacking OP any different from him? He’ll be putting her down all the time too. He’ll get the same cheap superiority shot from it that you lot are. She has already said she feels ashamed.

This is a woman who needs her esteem boosted to improve her life, not more arseholes pulling her down.

Whats done is done. OP, you know you will be raising this baby alone. Put all your energy into preparing for that.

All the best to you.

Maybe when the overstretched social services has to constantly pick up the pieces

@SleepingStandingUp thank you x

@IngratesGrate thank you for this xx

I put you are being unreasonable because you know what he is like and yet you got pregnant and continued with the pregnancy. Instead of being embarrassed get rid of this man who has zero intention of supporting you, is a financial drain on you probably, living off you rent free? Doesn't care for you or for his two children. He is never ever going to change. Good on you for being financial independent. Show him the door and protect your two children and the child yet to be born. You will be so much better off without the sad excuse of a man.

Sorry sweetheart but I think you already know your relationship's a lost cause.

If you've got backache and had a show a couple of days ago I think you've got more pressing concerns atm. Especially if you're less than 37 weeks. Have you been in touch with your midwife?

Well this relationship if doomed, he is not going to change if this has been for the last 2 years, either end it or accept this will be your life until on of his off grid moments he ends up with one one else.

Tell yourself loudly and clearly- write it down if you need to - that he is selfish, irresponsible, and a complete waste of space.

End it now and stay away from him. There is no way I would have a bloke who behaves like this anywhere near my DC.

Anyone who just doesn’t bother to have their DC when they’re supposed to is not a good dad.

You say you’re be fine without him financially, which is great. You’re not trapped by poverty. Don’t trap yourself by making excuses for him. Just accept that he’s a disaster and stay away from him.

Could not live my life with someone who respects me so little they stay out overnight on a bender frequently - let alone when I am heavily pregnant! The stress will take years off your life and enjoyment of the baby. Just end it.

PS don’t be embarrassed; put that well behind you. He’s responsible for his behaviour. You are not responsible for it. Too many women think that there is something they can do to make a bloke behave better so somehow the problem is in part their fault.

No, it isn’t. It is HIS fault. HIS appalling attitude and behaviour.

Look at what you have managed to do with your life, especially your DC, and focus on that. You’ll be fine, just don’t let him back in.

'Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again,'

wow ! his poor children ! he does not care, shows you exactly how he will be with this joint child when it is born.

@Maray1967 thank you x

Good dads don’t choose going out over their kids. Neither do they treat the mother of their unborn children like this. He is a shit dad, a shit partner and his behaviour is abusive.

Your life, your children’s lives, your finances will be so much better without him. It will be easier looking after the baby yourself without this absolute waster occupying your home and headspace. Be brave, get rid now. It will get worse not better otherwise.

If he puts his need and love for alcohol and drugs before his children, then he isn’t going to change just because you want him to.

You have to change your attitude OP. Everything about him is a sham.
Clinging on to him is pitiful. Sorry to be harsh saying that.
Start to recognise he isn’t worthy of your love and set your sights on a good future without him.
Don’t let him back into your safe haven of a home.
Your new baby needs you …you are the one reliable parent as the baby certainly can’t rely on this dodgy character for a father. That much is proven.

Put all your energies into keeping him away and make immediate plans.
Don’t feel stupid.
Just let everybody know it’s done and over for good. They will be pleased and will help.
You need calm and focus now.
You know what to do and you are in a good position.
Good luck OP.

'he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,'

NO, he is not a good dad.

@Mumof2soon2be3
Have you contacted your midwife? Has your back pain eased off?

Do you have someone to look after your older kids if needed?

Have you contacted your friend or any family etc who can help you through today? Help you change locks, pack his bags, be there for you if he tries to come home, be there for your kids?

You don't have time to wallow and cry over him today, you need to put things in place to ensure you are all rid of him! It socks but you are too close to giving birth to be giving him any more energy!

Fuck him completely the fuck off op. I wouldn’t even offer contact when baby arrives, if he wants it he can ask.

It’s so sad to read you asking “who is in the wrong here?”
Is that the extent to which he has gaslit and manipulated you and destroyed your self esteem! This is abuse. He is an abuser. You are 100% in the right.

And you still even refer to him as a “good dad” He is the very definition of a shit dad.

Kick him out now and for good. Save yourself and your children from this miserable bastard.
phone women’s aid for support with this if you need. 1800 341 900

@Mumof2soon2be3 If I'd a show at 36 weeks and my partner had gone AWOL, I would have been going frantic too!

Yes, it was daft to let him back in to your life and having a baby with him wasn't the wisest choice - but what's done is done. You need to change the future story so that your kids grow up in a happy stable environment with a parent who lives and cares for them. Don't bring another person in to that parental role unless you are sure that you can avoid the losers in the future.

Do you think you can do that? Can you recognise why you've fallen for this loser, and why you think he's a "good dad" when everything you've told us screams the opposite?

I'm guessing btw that he doesn't work. Long term benefits claimant perchance?

I'd also guess he shags other women when he goes AWOL. He clearly doesn't care about you, and I doubt that he spends his nights away on a mate's floor if someone offers him a bed instead. Have you thought about getting an STI check?

It's a lot of shit to try to cope with at a vulnerable point in your life so call on those friends, put up with any "I told you so's" and accept all the help you can get.

Good luck with the birth! Hope the new baby brings a new and better chapter in your life - but you have to enable that to happen!

He is not a good dad.

A good dad doesn't fuck off doing god knows what with god knows who instead of spending time with his children, especially when he doesn't live with those children and doesn't see them day in day out.

Calling him a good dad is protective on your part. He does x, y and z and I ought to leave but... he's a good dad...

It is a lie you tell yourself to give you comfort and give yourself a reason not to make the scary change of leaving him. Better the devil you know, and all that.

How have you made the decision to procreate with this waste of oxygen?

All you can do is planned the future to be tj best mum under the circumstances and learn about yourself so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Have they? They've had to put up with their mother hanging around with this loser for 2 years. And even now you're still spouting nonsense about how much you love him/what a good dad he is.

he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,

Well, he's not a good dad then, is he?