Who is in the wrong here?

[Mumof2soon2be3]

i am just over 36 weeks pregnant and have 2 older children (not with my
current partner) and my partner has 2 younger children.
on Saturday my partner worked and then went to the pub without telling me and didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this) then when he finally
did answer he was shouting at me for being mad. He came home got a shower and went back out returning home at 2.30 Sunday morning. During this time I started with really bad back pains and Sunday morning had a show.
Sunday we were meant to have his kids and he said he was going to pick them up but did not he ended up going out again, and did not return home and again didn’t answer calls or messages and turned his phone off.
come Monday morning I got a message saying sorry for the upset. During his time of being awol I had sent him lots of messages venting my anger and basically saying it’s not acceptable etc.
i spoke to him at 9am yesterday and he said he would call be back and didn’t all day and only asked to come home at 7ish. Come 10.30 he still isn’t back so I ask whats
going on? I’d already said we need a talk about our future on Tuesday and he understood.
he then says he hasn’t read any of my messages so will do so now at 10.45pm, he turns nasty on me for asking when he is coming home because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights and wanted to go to sleep.
anyway this turns into a massive argument and him saying it’s over and he can’t believe the things I’ve said.
I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years but told him before Christmas it stops or he leaves because he isn’t letting my
baby down.
also we only got back together in October after an incident caused by his drinking in early September. This caused a lot of upset and friends or family didn’t want me to take him back because of how he behaves in general not just the incident.
he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.
anyway he has soon slipped back to his old self. Advice please?

he is a good dad but has let them down historically from going out etc,

Hmmm. He's a good dad because he only let's then down sometimes?

Leave his stuff outside the front door and change the locks.

Follow through and completely end this. He has shown you often enough over the last 2 years who he is. Otherwise you will forgive him / think he's changed...and then you go through it all again.
Is it your house? If so, tell him it's over and to leave. If not, is there somewhere you and your kids can go?

Unkind posts are not helpful to anyone, particularly to a lady who is due to give birth anytime soon. We all make disastrous decisions in life, we are all human and need understanding at some point in life, some more than others.

I hope OP and baby have a good birth. Hopefully all this will not affect the whole family too much and they all will recover to have a more peaceful life.

Im not sure the mother/s of his first to kids will think he's a good dad

Well if he is a good dad - stick at it. Good luck changing him!

You’re a fucking mug. 5 more kids fucked up by selfish parents.

How many children does he need to let down before you see him for the waste of space he is? If he is who you want in your life you’re aiming low. Let your children see this isn’t how life should be - you’ll have a much better life without him in it.

He's a twat

You sound like hard work

He has shown you who he is. Stop trying to convince yourself that he is anything other than who he has been up until now. One way or another, you'll be raising this child alone.

“didn’t answer his calls or messages for 4 hours (he has a history of this)”
“I have put up with the disappearing acts for 2 years”
“he always manages to try manipulate the situation and blame me and justify is awful behaviour.”

And yet you decided to have a baby with him. Why do women choose bad men and then complain?

Here you are 36 weeks pregnant, with an unreliable man, as your baby's Dad. Unfortunately, he'd already shown you his true nature, and it was unlikely to improve or change. You've given him the benefit of the doubt, and he's proved he can't or won't change his ways.

You will be better off ending the relationship/he moves out, and working on building a decent co-parenting relationship with him. I suspect he will be an unreliable Dad, and will sadly let your baby down. Due to the fact he's unreliable, I'd make sure there are formal contact arrangements in place - make sure your child is available for him to see on his allocated days but if he fails to appear, that's on him, not you. You can't force a man to step-up, he has to want to do that, and certainly at the moment he doesn't.

Raise your standards OP.

You picked a right one here didn't you?

The only good thing I can see here is that at least you aren't married or financially tied together and will be better off financially without him.

It's just a shame your child will now have a crappy dad (he is NOT a good dad op) and you will be stuck having to co-parent with him for the next 18 years.

Kick him to the curb. It sounds like you also have friends and family that will be glad to see the back of him too.

Who is in the wrong?

It really saddens me that some people need to ask. Raise the bar op , don't let your children think that this the way to treat women.

Get rid

I wouldn't have been impregnated by a pisshead deadbeat dad in the first place.

Oh yes, that's right. If in doubt it's the woman's fault. 😒

What exactly does he bring into your/children’s life? I feel so sorry for your children, if this is what you class as a good Dad.

Change the locks, prioritise your children and yourself. Speak to your friend/family, they sound like they will be glad you’ve finally seen sense. I doubt you will though.

Get rid of him and concentrate on yourself and your children. Sounds like you are financially independent and you aren’t married, you will all be much happier without him.

You’ve put up with the disappearing acts for two years and then thought ‘I know! I’ll have a baby with this fucking loser!’

you have had amazing advice. Please take it and get rid of this manchild. He is not a good dad, nor a good partner and is totally irresponsible.

Drugs, alcohol and likely other women. You are better off without him in your or your childrens life.

Sorry you’re in this position OP.

id be preparing to end the relationship

I think you want one of us to help you make excuses for him.

The only thing in his favour here is hes transparent about who he is. Hes going to do what he likes. And what he likes it to be unaccountable and drink.

He likes coming home to the comfort of company and sex but he wants the perks without the commitment. This is who he is, hes showing who he is so dont look away. Dont love the man you wish he was or the potential he has because hes happy as he is. Thats either good enough for you or its not.

I dare not ask about "the incident" but I suspect the pregnacy may have made you be more hopeful and forgiving than you should.

I have no doubt hes abusive, manipulative or gaslighting based on what you've said.

Theres some very important things you need to know

1 Youve just said - he's willing to disappear and be uncontactable while you could go into labour anytime now, in a medical emergency you cant reach him, he gets your messages and chooses to ignore them, he'll drinks excessively, he doesnt communicate, he thinks hes entitled to behave as he likes, responds to a request for accountability with agression and there was an "incident"

2.You shouldnt be embarrassed. Hes the pig. He benefits from your silence.

3.This wont get better with a baby, who deserves better than his inconsistency and abuse

4.Theres a Japanese proverb. When you realise youre on the wrong train, its best to get off as soon as possible because the longer you stay the further you you need to go to get back to where you want to be. This is not about trains.

This is who he is.

Nothing you say or do will change who he is. So your options are, accept that this is your life now and it won't get any better. Or don't accept it and leave/throw him out.