To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

Thank you so much for writing all of that out. So much of it resonates, it’s like you’re describing my own experience. I’m so sorry you went through it too.

Do you mind me asking how it ended? Did you leave?

That sounds horrible. He's deliberately filled your life with so much stuff, unnecessary stuff, that you don't have a minute to think about yourself. Then he uses said stuff as a stick to beat you with. "Look at all this lovely stuff I've bought you." It's a gilded cage. Something has to go, you or the stuff that eats up your life.

OP, which area do you live in?

Your poor woman, this man is abusing you. This amount of work and disrespect- wtf does he think he is?
please see the solicitor and get things going, this is not a life.

@LittleLapwing

I did leave, it was incredibly difficult because I knew I had to leave in secret, there was no way he would have let me go…he would have brought all the tears and all the promises and guilt tripping until I gave in an agreed to stay. Nothing would have really changed and everything would have slipped back into continuing how it always did do leaving me still desperate and miserable.

When I left I went completely no contact for about 3-4 months. This was necessary for me to stay away, for me not to crumble and go back and to just have some time to rest and to heal. It was hard for the children, but they also understood, I also made sure they knew that they would see Dad again, but that we all just needed a little time to adjust and to rest.

I won’t lie, I was devastated as I didn’t want to leave, but I knew that I had to. He had been a good man before all of this, but the business and the stress and the ego changed him into something unrecognisable and so the man I had loved and built up and built a life with was gone. The longer a stayed the further and further apart the glimpses of the DH I once had were, until it felt like he was gone.

When we got back in contact shockingly he agreed with my leaving, knew that he was treating me terribly and agreed that he wouldn’t have changed or even acknowledged that he needed to otherwise. I was expecting anger and doubling down and all sorts of upset directed my way.

Eventually after some time and with some therapy we did come to work things out, but some critical points to make are that he let the business go, he made changes, he understood why I left and took responsibility for him being the reason I had to leave. I would never have considered working things out otherwise, because when I left I really really meant it, I really needed it as did the children. I never left with the hope or intention of just simply shocking him into behaving better. So I wouldn’t pin hopes of this, plan to leave for a better life for you and your children, if your H happens to seek evolution and change, accountability and recognition of his behaviour then that’s just a bonus. Do this for you, for your children because you all deserve so very much better. They deserve a happy healthy mum.

As I say don’t bank of this being the case for your H like it was for mine, but either way nothing would ever have changed had I just stayed.

Sounds like you were incredibly brave @Lillygolightly

Im so glad it all worked out for you!

I think if I’d done this a few years ago when I should have, it might have gone the same way for us. Now though, I suspect he’ll be only too pleased to wave me off, he doesn’t seem to have much good feeling at all left for me.

The more stressed I’ve gotten the less fun and the more ‘moany’ I’ve gotten. I don’t think he’ll care.

@LittleLapwing I won’t lie and say that things have all been a bed of roses, they haven’t been, and at time down right hard.

Remember though, the aim here is not to make him care, it is to give you peace!!

You have been working yourself to the bone, with zero appreciation or thanks and if you stay you will continue running yourself into the ground until the choice to do or not do will simply no longer be a choice because either your brain or your body will make you stop. If he is this insufferable now I can only imagine how unsupportive and uncaring he would be if you could no longer do all that he expects of you.

If you think I felt brave for one second when I was leaving, I can tell you that the opposite was true. I felt scared, frightened, unprepared, unsure I could do it, worried I wouldn’t succeed and felt literally sick about it. I still didn’t feel brave or strong when I left either, I felt like such a fraud when people would say those words to me.

My point is, is that you do need to feel brave or strong in order to leave. What pushed me to leave was because there was no other alternative, staying meant that it would eventually break me and my children needed me so I couldn’t let that happen. You deserve peace, you deserve rest, you deserve to spend time on your own pursuits, you deserve thanks and appreciation, you deserve better!!

Thank you so much for your words, so helpful 💕

My point is, is that you do NOT need to feel brave or strong in order to leave.

Please forgive my typing error, read it back too late to edit it.

If we break up the narrative will be ‘I sacrificed all my time to work to give her nice things, despite her doing nothing all day but patting ponies, and now she’s left with my money.’

I have no doubt he will tell it that way — and will continue to do so indefinitely. That’s his narrative. You don’t have to live your life around it. Let him have it.

With that in mind — and being honest about my view that you should leave him — here are some practical steps. Even if he makes short-term concessions now, experience suggests they won’t last. He has shown you who he is, and you would be wise to plan accordingly.

1. Get yourself as physically and mentally well as possible

This is foundational. You need strength and clarity.

• Get your iron levels corrected — properly and promptly.
• Consider starting sertraline if your GP agrees. It can be genuinely life-changing, but it takes time. Starting low (e.g. 25mg) and increasing gradually can reduce early side effects.
• Find a good therapist — privately if you can, to avoid NHS waiting lists. Zoom works perfectly well if you’re rural.
• Go back to your GP about sleep. A short, sensible course of sleep medication can help reset things so you’re at least getting proper rest a few nights a week.

You are making life-altering decisions — you deserve to do that from a place of stability, not depletion.

2. Quietly gather information about the finances

While you’re still involved in the business and household admin, take the opportunity to understand the full financial picture.

• Keep copies or photos of relevant documents.
• Make note of accounts, assets, liabilities, income streams.

This isn’t about confrontation — it’s about being informed. It’s not unreasonable to ensure you know where things stand, particularly if you suspect money may not be fully transparent.

3. Ensure you have independent access to money Make sure you have funds in an account he cannot access. You don’t want to be financially vulnerable if things deteriorate quickly, especially as he is currently the sole earner.

This is about security, not secrecy.

4. Speak to an excellent divorce lawyer

Not yet to act — but to understand your position.
Knowledge is power, and early advice can prevent costly mistakes later.

5. Step away from responsibility for his dogs

Be very clear and very firm: you will no longer be responsible for their care.
Give a clear timeframe (e.g. two weeks) for him to arrange a permanent solution — professional care, rehoming, whatever is appropriate. You are not negotiating or “helping out”. You are done.
He may react badly. Expect that, prepare for it, and hold your ground.
The dogs deserve proper care — and you deserve to stop carrying this burden.

Additional practical ideas (thinking aloud)

These may or may not be financially feasible, but they illustrate how much of your load could be lifted:

• An au pair or additional childcare support
• Stabling horses to remove daily physical labour
• Reducing animal commitments (including shared ponies for the children — gently but firmly explained)
• A remote PA or concierge to manage life admin: bills, insurance, bookings, chasing trades
• A live-in or regular housekeeper
• Expanding recruitment for business support roles to include remote candidates — they don’t need to be local to be effective

In short: I am genuinely angry on your behalf. But more importantly, I am hopeful for you.

There is a better life waiting — one where you are not exhausted, criticised, or invisible. Start by getting yourself well, then begin moving, steadily and deliberately, towards a life that is actually yours.

Even small changes — like online grocery shopping or handing over admin — can create breathing space while you work towards something much bigger: a life on your own terms.

OP, you say 'If I could truly believe that he knows what he’s doing and how badly he’s affecting me, I’d find it easier. But I just can’t or won’t believe that he could be that cruel.' What is it with women that we simply refuse to believe what's happening in front of our eyes? There has been another thread running for quite some time now, posted by 'Devoed', her husband accused her of an affair, and ultimately deliberately got HER arrested, and turned out of the home that SHE paid for, together with their children. She has been exactly like you for months, even after he had her arrested, she was still trying to understand why he would do something so evil, but he DID!! That is the man that he is, and your husband has been showing you for a long time who he is, but you won't make yourself believe that either. I simply don't understand, and feel that you REALLY DO need to leave him.

You say that your kids do more than they should around the place already, although I can't see how that can be the case, if you have a cleaner. What exactly do they do around the place, that stops THEM from taking care of their own ponies? In my opinion, if kids want animals, then naturally the care falls to the parents while they're small, but you say that yours are teens and tweens, surely the teens can supervise the others (how many do you have, and how many ponies?) to do at least some of the work involved, and if not, why not?

You seem to think that the world will fall apart if you take time out, and go away, but if you were to die, or have an illness which meant that you literally COULDN'T do all that you do, then your husband would HAVE TO sort everything out, whether he wants to or not.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that you're concerned for your children above everything else, but if you end up in hospital with a complete physical and mental breakdown, they will suffer anyway. I don't know the sort of person you are, but if it got to the point where it was all too much, and you decided to take your own life, or simply walk away, as many people do every single year, they would also suffer. At the end of the day, your HUSBAND has caused all of this, NOT you! The only mistakes you've made, are marrying him in the first place, and not leaving him sooner. I know, having been through divorce myself, how much it can affect children, but at the end of the day, I bet there are very few kids who would rather see their Mother go through hell, and live in a miserable household, where when their Father is at home there are frequent arguments, and when he's not, their Mum is stressed beyond belief, rather than be part of a broken but ultimately happy home.

You CAN get through this OP, but you MUST leave him, and sooner rather than later, if not for yourself, for your children, as living this life WILL be affecting them, whether you think so or not.