To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

This isn't marriage- it's slavery.
If he is such a successful entrepreneur, he needs to hire actual staff. That he pays. If the business isn't doing well enough to fund this, then he needs to find another business.
It just sounds like Billy Big Bollox likes having someone he can work to death without having to pay them. Which is slavery,

Would it be easier to find an admin person first. At least you could walk the dogs & enjoy it.
I dont mean to sound unkind, but assuming you set off from home, & not in a trailer full of dog crates, walking 7 dogs is not much different from walking one.
although the mucking out is more time consuming clearly.
I suggest you write down a time table of all your daily tasks.
6.00-7.00 admin
7.00- 7.30 feed dogs
7.30- 8.30, kids up, fed, prepped, school
8.30-10.00 mucking out, dogs/ponys
10.00-12-00 cleaning up, food shop, laundry, dog walk
etc. etc. Give it to him, tell him you may be living in the lap of luxury, but actually you are just Cinderella.
You didn’t ask him to do 3 jobs. Working away leaving 100% responsibility on your shoulders.
You didn’t ask for poneys, 6 spaniels ( does he even shoot?) & a fucking manor in the boonies., oh & with no salary, or Directir status I imagine. This is of his creation & you are left spinning all the planets in the whole universe
So, You are going to resume your job, get paid, he will have to resolve the horse, pony, & his own admin problems that he has created.
Drop the rope.

OP I have read some, not all of your posts. And please take what I say with kindness.

Not everyone is cut out for the entrepreneurial life or that of an entrepreneurs husband / wife. It really is a team effort. My husband and I own several businesses, we have hobbies, ponies, motorbikes, a holiday home, drive nice cars etc etc etc. However the difference I would say is that we are in it together. We chose this life because we are the same. We are both working flat out every day to have the life we do, sometimes my role is more domestic and his is more in the business but there is never a day when one of us feels like one is doing more than the other. We have both come from lower middle class families who worked for employers their whole lives and have chosen a different path. Every now and again, I have a bit of a wobble and just want something simpler and quieter and slower but I really do thrive on the pressure. You probably need to work out if your values are aligned. You can’t just be an employee and you can’t just see yourself as an employee either.

The other difference I can gauge is that we outsource a lot. This obviously means being financially able to do so. My time is more valuable in the business than doing cleaning or being a taxi for the kids etc.

If you’re expected to help in the business then you need to outsource the cleaning of the dogs, the house etc.

If you don't find a way to put the brakes on this insanely unbalanced situation, your body will! You'll suffer a collapse of some sort and what will happen to this whole house of cards then?

That's the reality.

As the late great Shirley Conran once said about a similar situation and a husband who chose not to comprehend "I thought the only way to show you what I do all day is not to do it"!

Good luck.

Apart from the fact no one should ever collect dogs they are living souls not stamps, but he can ‘collect’ them because he doesn’t need to look after them. If the care fell on him he would soon stop this ridiculous collecting nonsense. Stop enabling him. It’s easier said then done because your whole lives and income seem to be hinged on you but you will have to leave in order to live a life and not be an afterthought in his.

I also thought wow, way too much too.

I suspect because of your Dh’s absolute certainty that his way is 100% right, you have been suckered slowly over the years into taking on way more than you should, and physically can.

The fact that you are so seriously over burdened with work and tasks and jobs, and still need to come onto Mumsnet to ask for validation I think is very telling.

I would suggest you go get some therapy. I say this because this is what happened to me. Different situation, but at the end of the day my ex H wouldn’t listen to me and only considered his views and thought he was 100% right and I was 100% wrong.

My therapist helped me untangle all my feelings and gave me understanding about my ex’s driving force. It did mean that when I knew the only option was divorce I was able to do it single minded.

Divorce may not be in your cards, but therapy will help you see, deep to your bones, that your feelings are valid and have value.

Otherwise, you will do what you have done before, and be back at square one this time next year.

My ex was also well liked and perceived as wonderful.

I considered it as I think it’s totally unreasonable to have ended up in this situation and not see it’s totally insane. But then I read the follow ups and saw she’s just been systematically gaslit and treated appallingly and is broken.

OP I hope this thread is a wake up call to take steps to protect yourself and your kids from this.

OP @PurpleThistle7 has hit the nail the nail on the head “l
”And it’s really not normal to tell your husband you’re drowning and have him tell you than you need to be grateful for the opportunity”

@LittleLapwing

I had to comment here, because I can feel your frustration, and understand it. I’ve been considering posting something myself, as our situations have similarities.. it’s just hard to know where to start.

So many of the responses I can relate to, and things you have said. I don’t know the answer or right way forward.

For me it has felt like the situation has become “the way it is” - a friend recently said it sounded like “I had let it become this way” because it’s so slowly happened, and I’ve felt like I can’t say anything due to the lifestyle the business provides… there is so much to it.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, but I relate, I can hear everything you’re saying and could have written a lot of it myself.

It is an eye opener reading responses, as day to day it’s normal, but when you tell people or write it down, it somehow makes your feelings tangible, rather than just in your own head.

My H also has a way of making me think I’m over reacting, and has a “what more can he do” attitude… so I gave up attempting to communicate my feelings a while ago.

Hope you are feeling ok today.

You can change things but that means giving things up and that could mean giving up the dogs and other things you don’t want to do , resign from your job - the one with your husband. He can handle the audit in his own

and get the anemia sorted

but do something and since he doesn’t hear you it has to be shocking and impactful for you both

He is spectacularly selfish, and probably will never appreciate the toll this is taking on you. Sounds bad enough without the six dogs!!
Your breakdown is a big hint that you need to get off the treadmill, and his response to that shows how little he actually cares.
It'll be a massive step for you, but I think you should leave him.

I’ve now taken the time to read most of the comments and the OPs replies.

Being a business owner, a successful one or at least one that allows you a lifestyle where you have all the things OP has mentioned is meant to offer you a better life than if you were employed as a salaried person and it should allow you to employ those salaried persons! You need staff OP!

We all only have 24 hours in a day and whilst some people (particularly entrepreneurs) can do more in those 24 hours a lot of that comes down to staff and outsourcing! There are certain jobs which have been created purely out of the need for people who can 1. Afford them and 2. Need someone else to do it for them
Aupairs, drivers, cleaners, gardeners, yard staff…

You don’t mention how successful you and your husband are but given you have ponies, motorbikes, dogs etc I would imagine that you should be able to afford some help. If you can’t then you really have to ask yourself how successful your business is if it takes up all your time (and his) and you cannot afford the things that will make your life tenable.

The problem is that staff are much more readily found in urban areas than in the countryside. Finding a reliable, responsible, competent person to look after animals in the countryside is really, really difficult. I know because I have tried.

Just the idea of cleaning up 6 loads of dog shit every day makes me want to cry. Let alone the pony shit.

Reading through the replies since I posted last night, and I can sense how overwhelmed and frustrated you are.

Look at other people who live the 'country estate' lifestyle with dogs, horses etc- the wives aren't running around doing it all themselves & also helping out in the businesses, to the point of nervous breakdown. They have staff.

Tell your DH you either get staff in for the running of the house or you resign from businesses. Simple.

Actually - before you do that - what do YOU want? What would you like to spend your days doing? You might like caring for the dogs, ponies, house, kids etc - in which case you need to step back from the businesses. Or vice versa - get some proper domestic help (not just a dogwalker!) so you can throw yourself into the businesses.

Or maybe you want to do neither of those. Something to think about.

Don't let your DH dictate what you should be grateful for - this is your life, you're not his slave.

Not this one, I've suggested she leaves him. He sounds like a total arse 👍

Thank you!
When I say this, I feel like people imply I am being obstructive about getting help. I would LOVE to get help!!
I have been trying to find a carpenter or odd job person to put some shelves up since September.
The only dog walker I could find was a teenager who won’t clean up dog poo and is only free once a week on sunny days.
It took me over 6 months to find a cleaner with space.
I have been unable to find anyone to clean up pony shit even twice a week.
When I’ve advertised for admin staff the applicants haven’t been great, and Labour’s new rules giving employees the chance to sue for unfair dismissal from day one means that I don’t dare take on anyone I’m not sure about, as you can no longer have a meaningful probation. I’m due to meet with someone capable next week but she can only give us 7 hours a week.

Id love to just stop looking after the dogs, but how does that work? I’ve walked them this morning. Do I not walk them or feed them tonight? Can’t do it I’m afraid. No one could.

Ditto rehome the animals. The children have been through enough shit I can’t take their ponies away to prove a point they would be devastated.

I can’t rehome the dogs because they’re not mine. Imagine they find a nice home then H goes and gets them back. He can prove he paid for them. Awful for the dogs and the new owners.

It’s never ending.
One of the things I do to relax, in summer only and usually at 9pm, is my garden. I love my garden.
These dogs have ruined it. They dig up the lawn, shit everywhere then tread the shit in, roll on the flowerbeds, chew the trees.
H says ‘oh yes that’s a shame I must make them a new kennel out of the garden’ then instantly forgets about it. They stink too no matter how much I clean them out.

I'm really sorry but if you aren't willing to make things uncomfortable for anyone than this will just continue - you have to decide if you prioritise everyone else or prioritise yourself for even a little bit of time. There's no magic solution that is pain free after decades of being treated terribly unfortunately.

Your kids are old enough to be realistic. They must see how ridiculous this all is by now and if they aren't going to take ownership of any of it, then they need to make a choice about priorities in their own lives. Watching you drive yourself into an early grave won't benefit them either.

Id love to just stop looking after the dogs, but how does that work? I’ve walked them this morning. Do I not walk them or feed them tonight? Can’t do it I’m afraid. No one could.
Ditto rehome the animals. The children have been through enough shit I can’t take their ponies away to prove a point they would be devastated.

OP, you are making a deliberate decision here. I know it feels like you are the victim of circumstances but you are not powerless. Just accept that you are faced with a decision and you are making a choice which keeps everyone happy. Yes, maybe even including you because you then avoid feeling guilty for neglecting dogs and upsetting children and that seems like a better option for you than to have a less pressured life. That's OK to make that decision as long as you understand what you are doing.

From where I am standing, however, "devastated children" are probably better than a significantly ill mother. They are teens and tween so they seem perfectly capable of looking after a pony. They need to learn that having things/pets comes with responsibilities. If they want to keep ponies, they need to look after them. If they don't want to have a responsibility of looking after them, they don't get to have a pony. And this choice needs to be presented to them so they get to make a decision.

Same with the dogs. The husband is to be informed that you no longer looking after them. You certainly don't have to do it when he is around. I'd feed them because I am not a monster but I wouldn't walk them. Again, when I did that to my partner, he found a solution within two days because he knew I meant what I said.

And the third choice is to simply step away from his business and go back to your career, You'll be amazed how quickly everyone finds a solution to their problems when mum is no longer available to slave 24/7.

So fucking what. If he said you were the lost princess Anastasia would you believe him?

1. can you get rid of the dogs? Tell him they’re gone, you can sell them or you can take them to the pound. I’m sorry, but you and your dc need to cope
2. Tell him you will not do anything for his business until he does 50% fi the home life and no traveling for a year. You have your own career and he has no support for that or his family so you cannot do anytit for his business. Drop it, let it go, don’t check an email, don’t ‘just’ anything. If it fails it fails. If it was so dependent on your contribution then his business should fail, if the stress is killing him step back, you can’t step back from caring for your children but he’s an adult. He didn’t care about your breakdown, channel that ‘I give no fucks about you’ straight back, and STOP.

How rural do you live? How big is your property?

Better to leave with nothing and claim nothing in the divorce than permanently wreck your health.

They are not his dogs
you own the jointly as you are married

you give him a weeks notice because you can’t mange the dogs so if he has a choice in the matter

you could point out that when you leave you won’t take them with uou