To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

Sure you can. I told my ex I was no longer looking after his dog and stuck to it and he found an alternative two days later.
They are HIS dogs. Yes, you feel guilty for them not getting their two walks a day and that's what he relies on. Tell him you will stop looking after them and then...just stop. He'll have to find a dog walker or re-home them.

Edited - not engaging. No energy.

I think in your shoes I would be seriously considering divorce. It doesn’t matter how much you do, he’s never going to understand or change. What are you getting out of the relationship?

6 dogs??

I love dogs but don't have one because they are such hard work.

And ponies!

OP, you need to drop the rope, he's just using you.

I hope posting here and getting replies is helping you to come to terms what you need to change for your future self.

You and your kids are number 1.

Life as a single mum is so much easier than having an adult kid to deal with too.

Why have 6 dogs??

How much consultation is he doing with you on things like the dogs? Dogs are a huge life and time commitment (esp working spaniels - and we are a working spaniel family).

Your time belongs to no one but you and only you should be deciding how that is apportioned.

Now, your posts were already bad enough but your last line here is just too much. OP, am sorry, he doesn't care for you. He's not listening to your needs. He is not by any stretch of the imagination a partner, or even a husband.

I don't know what you want to do, try one last time for him to listen, walk away or whatever, but it is unfair, grossly unfair on you to spend your life like this and for so long. He's not bringing in much to your life, he just seems to be taking your sparkle away. It's time to put yourself first.

Good luck with the iron replacement. If pills too harsh, I recommend a liquid or paying for an infusion. The infusion is fastest and the least side-effects imo.

Wish you well and sending a huge hug.

I would like to offer my solidarity, my DH also runs 2 companies and is always busy, he is currently away on a work trip. I also moved to another country to live with him when I had our DC and find it a little isolating. We don't have pets as we travel often, we're just not pet people, I think dogs are way too much work. His mum down the road has a dog so our DD's can go there if they want to spend time with a dog. I find it very odd your DH 'collects' spaniels but never spends time enjoying them or the work involved in looking after them.

I have a friend in a controlling relationship whose partner keeps getting more and more animals and expects my friend to take of them while the partner can't be bothered to look after them, I think it's a form of control but I hope your case is different to that!

I get it op. It’s the lack of support and loneliness. You are not alone but he barely lives with you yet you have thrown yourself body and soul in to his life and yet he is absent!

This isn’t what you signed up for. And you have lost your own self in the middle of it all.

And like climbing a mountain, you kept thinking, we will just be over this next bit and then things will be easier, only to be confronted with another set of obstacles.

He sounds enormously disrespectful, totally uninterested in your happiness, and very self -centred and egotistical.

Let me guess, he is everyone’s friend and loves his work? Is he really doing it for you and the dc or is he doing it for himself? The six dogs is a classic example of that isn’t it?

And are the finances massively complicated so you never get to see the whole picture?

I hate to say it op but if this has been going on for years and nothing changes, the only thing that can change is your response to it. I think you know that really in your heart of hearts. Your breakdown 18 months ago was telling you that.

It’s his way or the highway I’m afraid. He is convinced in his own mind that he has made all of these sacrifices for you and if you leave it won’t be pretty. He will characterise it as giving you everything and you being ungrateful.

So you need to choose your hard op. First get physically better because you shouldn’t make any big decisions like this while feeling ill.

Put an advert on sm and sell the dogs to a knowledgeable home. You don’t need his permission. They are half yours and he is not contributing to their care. Assert yourself op. Take your power back. You don’t need permission. He didn’t consult you when buying them.

Get your house in order. Financial documents. Mortgage. Income. Good financial and legal advice. Step by step. Take your power back! Good luck 💐

What do you mean he collects dogs? They're not fucking teapots!

You really need to start saying no, OP. No, you cannot bring home another dog; no, I can't do another job; no, I can't look after the horses; no, you need to employ a secretary because I'm not it; no, you need to employ someone to run the kennels.

He’s been incredibly selfish. His view of happiness is totally skewed too as he clearly thinks it revolves totally around money and having possessions.

As another PP, I couldn’t believe it when you said 6 dogs and then you said you’ve got ponies to look after too as well as multiple jobs, the garden, complete running of the house plus everything to go the children. Plus health issues too. No wonder you’re on your knees!!!

Can you do a list of jobs for a typical day with times? 7:00-7:15 walked dogs, 7:15-7:45 got kids ready for school, 7:45-8:20 fed ponies, 8:30-9:00 did salary run for business 1, 9:00-10:00 food shop, etc? Rather than telling him you’ve done X, Y and Z? You also need to make it clear that you really cannot do this anymore. Tell him you want a divorce as that’s the only way you see your life improving (and being happy) unless you have a proper sit down with him to discuss your workload. He might accept a divorce and you’ll be better off. You’ll be seriously ill otherwise. Or he might realise the seriousness of what you are saying.

Personally I’d be tempted to say all the dogs are going too. Tell him to sort someone to look after them or get rid of turn. It’s crazy having all this on your life plus 6 dogs to look after!

He’s not giving you a better life at all. He’s just spending what you have. If you cannot pay a bill that’s coming up it doesn’t sound as if you’ve got that great financial standing. So what’s he doing all this for. I’d point this out.

You clearly have had multiple conversations previously so this one needs to be different. You need a discussion rather than an argument. And you need him to listen properly. Can you address this differently in some way to previous discussions and try to be really calm, practical and factual about it all? Can you write everything down in a letter to him and ask him to read it with neither of you saying anything until he has read it all? Can you get a sheet of paper, add a line down the middle and list FOR and AGAINST or GOOD/BAD or ADVANTAGES/DISADVANTAGES in relation to your life at the moment (and optionally repeat the process under another scenario such as if my life looked like this?). Again presented to him without argument or sit him down and do this together as a joint project. Or do the GOOD/BAD list as HAPPY/UNHAPPY instead to tell him what things make you happy and what things make you unhappy in relation to your current lifestyle and anything else in terms of future potential things that would make you happy?

How do your children feel about this? Can they see it’s making you ill? How do they feel about their dad not being in their lives? Are they happy? Are they happy with their ponies and motorbikes or would they swap it all for happier parents?

Get the kids to do the FOR/AGAINST or GOOD/BAD list too separately? Not sure that’s entirely a good idea depending on how old they are and if you want to involve them. Maybe not!

Good luck. You cannot continue like this and you need to make the point to your husband. You said he didn’t listen 18 months ago and he might not listen now so the only solution would be to end the relationship. You are not in a fair relationship here. He’s taking advantage and appears not to care at all about the impact on you or your children.

He’s a shit business man, he takes on more work than the people working for his companies have capacity for, and has no back up or contingency in place for when they leave or are sick. What would be supposed to happen if you were both in an accident tomorrow?

I think if he really cared about you, he would not be putting all of the work of family, dogs etc on you as well as you working in his business. If you really don't want to do this any more, only you can bring about change. Do you want to leave? You need to get legal advice and see where you stand financially in the first instance.

Thank you all for making me feel validated. It’s not right is it.

The first thing you need to do is get your anaemia sorted out, so that you start to feel better.
Then tell DH that he needs to get on with recruiting a secretary, a recruitment agency will be able to organise that.

Advertise for someone to deal with the dogs and ponies. When does he work these working Cockers?

OP my jaw hit the floor when I read 6 working spaniels, I had 1 working cocker and he ran me ragged! And ponies too? Lord.

This is clearly unsustainable. It's no good having "all this" - houses cars, ponies etc - if you're too knackered to enjoy it. It sounds like he does the "business" work he wants to, on a schedule that suits him, with lots of time away from the house & kids & pets, and you're left to pick up everything else.

Make a list of all your responsibilities and everything you do in a day/week. So kids. Pets. Housekeeping. Business admin role. And whatever else. Something needs to be outsourced - eg could you have a cleaner/dog walker/au pair/give up the admin role etc. If he says you can't afford it, then what is all this work for??

Have you seen your GP for your anaemia? Have a check up too. It sounds like you're being worked into another breakdown.

I love dogs but looking after 6 working spaniels is a PT job in itself. I would have to say that I simply can’t look after or walk them and he will have to come up with a solution.

His work was making him ill so he transferred a load of it onto you and it's made and is making you ill. This isn't working obviously. For all that you have the price is too high. I hope you find a way to a happier life OP. Best of luck.

You are a married single parent.

Also what's the point in having the 6 dogs in kennels at home if he's never there with them? What's he using them for? I don't understand.

So many questions - why does he need these dogs? Why is he always in another country? What is the business? Is it actually worthwhile if you also have to work full time? It's easy to say perhaps, but I just would not accept this.

First, the dogs need to go to good homes, then he should come back to be part of the family. I would just be thinking of striking out alone/with kids if not... But I know it can't be that simple. (I would imagine...?)

This is unsustainable. I’m intrigued as to what your daily routine looks like and how you fit everything in. You only live once OP. I hope you can find some strength to make some changes/divorce as this doesn’t sound enjoyable.

This is in no way tackling the key issues but just as an easy win....order the following and start taking them straight away to tackle your low iron:
-Spatone
-Vitabiotics iron
You should soon start to physically pick up at least.

Shooting probably.

Make a list of everything you do, tell him that it can’t continue this way.
If he doesn’t step up to help and still expects you to do 101 things then tell him he needs to employ a cleaner, a dog walker and someone to do the ironing. Tell him to contact an agency to get staff, that he has a month and that’s your notice to stop doing that too.

It’s great he wants to provide but at what cost? And let’s face it, he is not able to work like he is because you are doing the 101 things

Being a working parent isn’t easy, let alone with the addition of dogs (& working dogs at that!) and ponies!. Your DH needs to step up, or if he genuinely doesn’t have time, then pay someone to help.