To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

What's happening isn't fair and he's taking advantage of you. He is doing exactly what he wants and he's using you to enable him. You begin by saying he's successful. Well maybe but only because you pick up the slack. I bet he's having a great time, living his best life swanning around whilst you are put upon and poorly. So you have to put a stop to it. Give him a month's notice and tell him you are going back to your proper job.

Just leave. All of it. Take the kids. Wait until he’s home one weekend and have the car packed ready. The second he walks through the door you leave. You turn off your phone and you disappear for a full week minimum. Preferably a month. No contact at all. Nothing. He will have no idea until he loves it. And if he thinks you’re coming back after a week he’ll just leave it. A month and he’ll have to make changes, put systems in place. You don’t do a single thing except pack the car. No meals in the freezer. No full fridge. Zip. No dog and pony guilt. Just go.

I agree you have to be tough on him. I also understand because you are living a privileged life, people are less sympathetic towards you. He can afford a dog walker, start with that. If the kids have motorbikes and ponies then they are old enough to pull their weight too. They should be doing more chores and minding their animals at a minimum.

No it’s not right. And not sustainable. And the older you get the harder life is in terms of energy.
I’m quite burnt out and don’t have as much on as you op. You need staff to help.

My god, just reading your posts are making me tired!

You need to leave ASAP. You will be an absolutely ace single mum because your responsibilities will be about one tenth of what you're doing now!

I think you need to leave him.
Money doesn't equal happiness.
There is no amount of money you could make that will make things less stressful because he's addicted to work.
He doesn't know how to just be.
It doesn't matter how many ponies the kids have if they aren't spending quality time with him. It doesn't matter how nice your house is if you're collapsing from stress.
Would it not be better to live more modestly but feel happier?
You could do that if you left him. Focus on your own career and happiness. You dont need all these things you have. You need actual support.
Either a husband who is actually there or the freedom to take time for yourself because you aren't constantly working for a husband who is never there.
If he wont listen to you you do need to separate.
Hes unlikely to change and he will frame it all as your fault whether you stay or go..
So you may as well go.
It sounds like you are a capable person who make things work alone.
You dont need these expensive things. It's not bringing you joy. Swap them for time.

What a miserable life.

What’s keeping you there?

This has nailed it for he - he sees you as an accessory - all of these acroutements are simply symbols of his ‘success’ - and it’s your job to keep it all rolling. He couldn’t care less about your needs because he doesn’t see you as a human being in your own right. You’re a household appliance.

SIX working cockers??????

SIX????

FFS.

Do you have access to the bank accounts OP? Because if you’re not going to leave and divorce him (I would) I’d start buying help in.

Sell the dogs. They're not pets, they're working dogs, and they need to be worked, not just walked. He's not working them, so sell them to someone who will actually use them. Same with the ponies - tell the kids that they either care for their own ponies responsibly, or they go on Horsequest next week.

Tell DH that you're putting an ad out for a secretary. Get yourself a good iron supplement, and it might be worth seeing your GP in case you need B12 injections or something.

I know its easy for me to sit here and dictate. But honestly your husband sounds horrible and your kids sound lazy. If you drop dead from exhaustion, they're going to have to manage, aren't they?

I can't even answer this rationally after you said he has collected 6 working dogs. Who the fuck does he think is? A member of the aristocracy or maybe David Beckham? You really need to put your foot down regarding your needs, your boundaries and the reality of being a '3 business entrepreneur'. I can actually speak from experience minus the 6 dogs - as a dog lover I'd enjoy that right now, but when time is short and kids are young, they come first. I am divorced largely due to this scenario, and am very much 'less is more' when it comes to young family and working all hours if it can be helped. I hope you don't get to this point, OP.

Spatone will do absolutely nothing for the OP who has such low iron that she's anaemic, it contains about 5mg iron. Vitabiotcs is a bit better but nowhere near prescription iron tablets which are 200mg. The OP needs GP input for anaemia.

Floravital/floravital is a very good iron supplement and never have it with food or tea. I remember writing to the makers in Germany and they said fine to have extra while iron levels so low (was 4) so I had an extra dose most days and in Germany doctors prescribe the stuff. It also has no side-effects and is absorbed easier than iron pills, no stomach probs.

Also OP, if take pills, taken every other day is fine and actually been found to absorb better, while lessening the side effects. Win :-)

IMO though, nothing beats an iron infusion. Couple hundred quid and levels sorted in a day (though takes about 2 weeks to see it all ok). No messing with oral medicine.

Collecting dogs for someone else to walk is plain selfish.

There's an easy way round it - LTB. He isn't caring about you. If the business is making him ill the solution to that is for him to close it and take a job elsewhere, not for him to step back while you make yourself ill instead! You'd have a far better quality of life divorced because you'd have your autonomy back and could take care of your health.

1st step, tell him either he cares for his dogs entirely or he employs someone to do so because as from now you're not doing it any more. It's his hobby, he should be dealing with it entirely himself. And not just a dog walker, they need someone who will take care of all their needs including feeding/watering them and cleaning their living area/blankets, taking them to the groomer etc. The existence of these dogs should have no impact on your life at all OP. He is massively taking the piss with just this one thing, never mind the rest of it!

I recommended it as its easily absorbed, unlike prescription strength, which can cause all manner of stomach upsets. Anyway, not the main focus, so I'll leave it there.

Thanks very much, I’ve got an infusion booked. I really hope it helps!

Thanks for the recommendation, though not quite right for me might help someone 🙂

He just wouldn’t. I tried myself to find a dog walker, there is literally no one who can do twice a day. The best I could find was a teenager who can walk them once or twice a week but doesn’t clean them out or feed them, which is no help really.

When he’s home he looks after them maybe 50% of the time. At best. In fact nowhere near really. He leaves the house around 5am to work and doesn’t see why I won’t just look after the dogs, as I’m home. He just has no idea.

I have one small dog. It took months of arguments for him to take my dog with him the times that he did walk his own ones as ‘it never comes back’ (it does) ‘he hasn’t got time.’ so I had to go out again anyway.
He does now take mine the rare times he does a dog walk, but like I say it took a LOT of arguments to get to that point.

If I go away I arrange for and pay someone to look after the kids ponies because he will either refuse, or agree but then ‘forget.’

Written down it all looks awful. It’s become so normal to me.

Op this is a horribly unfair situation - what would happen if you told dh you need a break and you are going to stay with your parents for three weeks? Simply leave with with everything and let him find out how much there is to do.

Failing that - outsource. Hire a dog walker. Hire a cleaner/housekeeper who could also be a bit of a secretary (god my cleaner would be excellent at that). Go on FB and and post on all the neighbourhood sites saying if someone wants DofE experience they can come and look after your ponies for 6 months - you will pay expenses to and from your house - you can supervise but at least less physical labour.

Get as much off your plate as possible.

He is convinced in his own mind that he has made all of these sacrifices for you and if you leave it won’t be pretty. He will characterise it as giving you everything and you being ungrateful.

I think this is exactly how he sees it.
And you are quite right, I think if I leave then he will become very unpleasant and it will be horrible for the children. Because he has convinced himself that he’s worked himself to the bone for us and then I fuck off and take his money.
No amount of talking can make him see it any other way, or see the impact his life choices have had on the rest of us. He can’t see that he lives the life of a single man whilst I have therefore taken on everything else and it has broken me. I’m not a person, I’m just a support to his lifestyle.

Failing that - outsource. Hire a dog walker. Hire a cleaner/housekeeper who could also be a bit of a secretary (god my cleaner would be excellent at that). Go on FB and and post on all the neighbourhood sites saying if someone wants DofE experience they can come and look after your ponies for 6 months - you will pay expenses to and from your house - you can supervise but at least less physical labour.

I’ve tried all this. I have a cleaner for 3 hours a week and it took months to find her.
Trying to find a secretary now but no joy so far.
I can’t risk taking on any more ‘jobs’ and I think supervising youngsters with animals might tip me over the edge.
I do thank you though.

I also can’t just up and go because I couldn’t do that to the kids. Plus he’s meant to be away working most of the next month on and off. I feel fairly sure he would leave the kids alone rather than miss work.

if you do more of the same nothing will change. Do what are you prepared to do about it?
The kids will survive change. You might not survive not changing the status quo.

hiw successfu is he really if you are wonted sick about cash flow and can't afford domestic help.?
Why aren't you paying cleaners and gardeners etc to do the everyday stuff for a start ? Ditto dogs and horses?
And why can't you find admin staff ? Is he a nightmare to work for by any chance ?
Sounds like your lovely lifestyle is mostly smoke and mirrors and no wonder you.cant cope anymore.

@Falalalalaaaalalalalaaaa Expecting someone to look after your kids' ponies for free (even with expenses paid) is my Cheeky Fucker Of The Year Award nomination. You got in there very early!