To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

I have been up for hours thinking about all this. I am furious.

I don’t know how I will function today on so little sleep.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds dreadful. And worse is that you feel so trapped. But you're literally making yourself ill living like this.

Actually 6 working dogs that are obviously not getting enough attention sound dangerous. That's when they regress to pack behaviour and attack. Women are especially vulnerable to this happening.

This situation is insane.
This man is totally delusional and needs a reality check.
Is he hiding something about his money situation? Surely someone “so successful” wouldn’t think twice about getting help in around the house and business.
Is he a difficult man to work for? Has he got a reputation?
Finding your anger and roar is a good thing - channel it and set your stall out 💪🏻

If you can’t find the secretary/ dog walker perhaps the salary offered isn’t high enough?
Also do the kids look after their own ponies?

Problem with that is he would then have possession of everything. First rule of separating is don't leave the family home.

You have to find some way to get you and your kids out of this situation for your sanity. Start making discrete plans to leave. If he is away a lot, that will give you a window of opportunity. Find a charity that will take the dogs, a new livery for the ponies,
Do you have access to your own money? Make sure you have enough to cover a year or two of expenses whilst you establish a new life.
He doesn’t sound like he listens to you at all. How can someone so successful be so oblivious to what is happening at home? There’s no love or compassion there, from what you write

Oh give over. Just FTFO.

These dogs get plenty of attention and are well trained and good natured. Because I could not just leave them in the kennel! I don’t have time, I don’t want to look after them and I don’t like having them here, but I DO it because it’s not an option to not look after animals.

My children are not at major risk walking them.

Neither are they lazy. You show me any teens/tweens who would happily volunteer to walk dogs every day in all weathers in the dark before or after school. These poor kids already do more than most with chores etc through necessity.

He tells you you live like a queen.
In reality, what he’s done is effectively collected dogs, ponies, businesses, nice cars, kids and a wife - all so he can show the world how successful he is. Everyone and everything in his life is a status symbol. You are an employee of his, nothing more.

Will anyone die if you spend today making a plan to rehome the dogs and ponies? Genuinely, will anyone die? Because I think you need some perspective here. If nobody is going to die, then make that your priority TODAY. If that man you’re married to doesn’t like it - what does that really matter? He doesn’t like you at all, anyway.
If the ponies and dogs were not your choice and you were not consulted - because employees generally aren’t - then rehome asap. The example you will then set to your children is that you (and women in general) have boundaries and these are not to be crossed. You are their mother and his wife and not the hired help. You deserve the respect that comes with that. Otherwise, I fear you are setting your children up to think mothers and women in general are worthy of nothing more than being The Help, while men get to enjoy the fruits of their labour on their terms.

Plan to rehome pets without consultation with him today, then tomorrow, unless somebody is otherwise going to die if you don’t do all those things on your list, start making plans to leave him.

You only come this way once. Make it matter.

Well I would get the spaniels to fuck for a start. That's madness.
Then get your own career. If the big man business man is so great then he can organise his own business. What you are able to do seems impossible to me. Nevermind the anaemia.

I appreciate that this probably all happened slowly enough that you didn’t quite realise how ridiculous it was until now. So no need to feel bad about that - you’ve been in a very unequal and quite problematic relationship for way too long and will need support to get out of it

I also appreciate that he’s not a monster, but he’s also no good for you. He does nothing for your benefit and he has ruined far too much of your life. It’s not normal to opt out of parenting multiple children, it’s not normal to have 7 dogs and multiple ponies without some sort of massive estate setup with several members of staff à la Downton Abbey, it’s not normal to have a job and another job and another job you didn’t ask for and do at midnight. And it’s really not normal to tell your husband you’re drowning and have him tell you than you need to be grateful for the opportunity.

He is a bad person. You need to extract yourself from this mess. You’ll likely find the financial loss doesn’t even matter once you shed all these ridiculous commitments.

I would not be helping him, your life has been built around his for too long, he won’t change without hard work. I’d be thinking about your life and future now.

What do you want!? When you thought the kids didn’t want to walk the dogs they were little shits who take after their father, now they’re walking them you’re up in arms about that too? I just dont have energy for you.

I’ve answered the dog walker question. You put an ad up asking for someone to work 1 hour morning and night driving out to the country to walk 6 dogs and clean kennels out in the cold, rain and dark and see how many applicants you get rushing up in January.

This all built up gradually so you need to dismantle gradually. Talk to kids if old enough and re-home ponies first. Dogs next.

As another poster said, don't consult him, maybe a warning. That's kinder to the dogs since you wouldn't be walking them any more.

Give warning to employees if need be and "quit" the business.

This one might come after finding your on job.

Thanks for the helpful replies.

How does “he” collect dogs if you are caring for them? He needs to be told you are willing to leave if he doesn’t step up as a husband and father.

Who the hell are the 3% who voted OP is being unreasonable?? Seriously!