To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

But she does want him to change.

Whilst she won't change herself.

What would you have her change?

Things within her control that are making her miserable.

That sounds so bad @LittleLapwing

Things are still difficult. I don’t know what I hope to get out of posting.

Last week he asked me to do some work for one of his other businesses. I said I couldn’t because I genuinely couldn’t, he asked me Friday morning and it had to be done that day, and I already had a day which didn’t even have a minute spare with the first business I was working on.

He’s now annoyed with me because he lost a sale as a result.

He says I don’t appreciate him and all I do is moan. He says (after the Friday incident) that he should know by now not to ask for help from me.

He just has a completely bizarre and inaccurate view of things. I feel like there are two problems:

1 - how much I’m expected to do with no help
2 - his view of me being useless, lazy and moany

I could cope with number 1 if we were a team. But running myself into the ground whilst having him constantly thinking bad of me is just too much.

He just won’t see it. If we break up the narrative will be ‘I sacrificed all my time to work to give her nice things, despite her doing nothing all day but patting ponies, and now she’s left with my money.’

We went to a big party last night and he just ignored me. First night out in 10 months, he was over an hour late due to work then wanted to leave early.

I feel like I’ve wasted my life and I’m just a shell of my former self. I’m slipping back into how I was when I had my breakdown.

I don’t know why I’m posting. Just feel alone I suppose.

You have raised your children in quite difficult circumstances so that’s not a waste

but he won’t change - he wants someone different to you and you want a life

you need to think about walking away

it’s probably not what you want to think about but if the other half of a marriage won’t respect you then you need to respect yourself

walk away

edit to add - it didn’t matter what narrative he will give to that - you know he is wrong and that’s all that matters

I just can’t think of anything. I can feel myself sinking again. I wish either I could leave him, or he’d open his eyes and see what I’m doing.

You can leave him

you can’t open his eyes but you can leave

since you mention the kids you probably shouldn’t just walk out the door but start by gathering your information - bank details, income flows, passports and the like - do that this week

next week - think how you will manage financially. Look at local rents -what can you afford on your salary ( you mention your career ) - can you leave before divorce and financial settlements are sorted? There are lots of ways of cutting this - could the kids stay with dad short term while you live / sleep elsewhere ? Do you have family to stay with for overnights?

two weeks time - resign from any support to any of his work and tell him you are getting divorced. and be ready for the fall out. But stay firm.

edit - fly little lapwing ! Wha an appropriate name!

edit 2 leave all animals behind - the kids can come
and visit them anytime anyway

I don’t have a career any more. I’ve been unable to work for over a year due to all this. I’ve lost all my skills.

I don’t know what to advise but I really feel for you LittleLapwing 💐

I think it might be worth talking to a solicitor and seeing what your options are at the very least.

I don’t understand, if your dh is a reasonably successful entrepreneur, why you can’t buy in more help? To look after the dogs, to do more admin, etc? I know it’s not easy to find the right people but has he really tried? It’s good you refused to do the work bc at least that might prompt him to take on more staff if he lost a deal over it.

Please know that you are not alone 💐 My dh also runs his own business and was out last night and is at a meeting again this morning and over lunch. It’s hard after a week when I have barely seen him. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be single because at least then I would have full autonomy and wouldn’t expect to be seeing him!

My dh doesn’t criticise me all of the time though. It sounds as though your dh is treating you like one of his company assets rather than his wife.

Why did he ignore you all night yesterday? That’s really unpleasant!

I know it’s hard to make the first steps to leave but you need to ask yourself if you think this situation is realistically going to improve?

Please don’t leave it too long to make a change, or until you get too old to create your own satisfying life.

Good luck op 💐

ok

I suspect you will be able to work once you are back on your feet. Given how strong you clearly are

how much assets does the family have - will that see you through a couple of years to get on your feet / house you ? Or will you have to ge him chucked out ?

you have to escape - you are not a slave

He just won’t see it. If we break up the narrative will be ‘I sacrificed all my time to work to give her nice things, despite her doing nothing all day but patting ponies, and now she’s left with my money.’
Well let that be the narrative that he uses then, you know it's not true.
You sound as if you are heading for another breakdown. What will happen then? Who will do all that you do?

I don’t know. Everything will probably just go to shit.
I just want to sleep. All day and all night and not have to be awake. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all this.

I wish I had anyone to talk to.

OP marriage is not an altar we sacrifice our lives at. I really don’t understand why you don’t get divorced. He sounds bloody awful and you sound destroyed. Do you have IRL support to talk to?

Let him be ill, surely? This is the life he seemingly wants, with complete disregard for the impact it has on his wife and children. Choose better for yourself and leave him to it.

I don’t understand it either. I suppose my kid don’t want us to get divorced. I don’t want to fail. I don’t have the energy. I don’t know if the stress of divorcing would tip me over the edge. It would be a disaster financially. I don’t know. I can’t think straight.

I’m just so tired of doing literally everything whilst being blamed for not doing enough by a man who seems in total
contempt of me. Otherwise, he’s a nice person so it must be me?
I do:

• all childcare
• all housework
• all home maintenance and DIY
• all bills and admin
• all car maintenance
• all school stuff
• all SEN child stuff
• All sports, play dates, matches, parents evenings
• all business admin
• all staff management
• all pet care for his many pets
• all gardening
• all shopping
• all the little stuff, bins out etc.

I literally do everything and it is invisible. He comes home and sleeps here when he’s not working away, and wonders why I don’t want sex.

When I say im struggling he doesn’t answer and just acts as though im moaning. Says that’s life and we’ve all got stuff to do. If I even approach the fact of him not doing enough at home, he flies off the handle at how much he works and how there’d be no fucking cleaner if he didn’t work would there!?

I don’t know what to say, it sounds intolerable. It’s worrying that you sound so very low and trapped. Could you take to your bed, or failing that, to make your point, go away? I fear if you don’t do something your body or your mind will remove the choice from you 😔

Thank you.
I would love to go to bed or go away, but if I do then literally nothing on that list will get done. Nothing. And in reality that will cause absolute hell for the kids.

Divorcing isn’t failing - it’s recognising things have gone badly wrong and you need to change path an take control of your life

yes the kids would prefer no divorce but what kind of life messsge are you giving them ? That’s is ok to expect the wife to run herself to a breakdown ? Think of your DDs or future DILs if you won’t think of yourself

and no just because he seems nice to others - it’s often only the wife who knows the true man

socks up love

Could you take the kids away for a five days over half term? Leave him to cope with the dogs? That might be a start for him to see what you do. But this isn't sustainable, you sound utterly desperate. Have you seen your GP? It sounds as if you need to.