To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

Ask yourself "will anyone literally die if this task isn't done?" If the answer is "no", then leave it undone. When you've done all the "yes" tasks, go back to bed. Repeat for at least a week until you're less exhausted. Let it all fall apart and the wheels fall off. You're not his slave and you don't have to become even more ill just to save his skin. Go. To. Bed.

If he won’t listen then show him. Film “a day in my life”. Yes, more work for you in the short term but this man obviously has no idea and doesn’t want to because it means he will have to make the effort to make those changes. Don’t forget to show the dog poo pick ups and what a mess they’ve made of your garden. I have two dogs and that’s more than enough. Also the ponies and work they create. Film every single thing and make him watch. Not sure what this man brings to the table apart from material things. Ignoring your mental breakdown tells you everything you need to know imo

Can you give DH an ultimatum - ‘if you don’t look after the dogs I’ll sell them/ give them away?’ And really mean it? Your life sounds, quite honestly, like my worst nightmare. My DH tries occasionally to make me help him with his business or take on more pets. I say no and let him sulk and he gets over it. I have to have quality me time, I work full time (more hours than him) and do most household tasks as it is and I can just about manage that. What you’re existing in sounds hellish. I wish you all the best OP, you sound like a great person who is being seriously take advantage of.

I offered to help in the business because it was making him ill.

I had a full on mental breakdown 18 months ago which he just ignored.

I’ve got an infusion booked.

I feel fairly sure he would leave the kids alone rather than miss work.

So - when he is ill, you move heaven and earth to help him. But when you were ill he pretended it wasn't happening. And you are now still so ill that you need a blood infusion.

Play out this scenario in your mind: you collapse, and are kept in hospital for a month, or two months. What would he do? Don't just say "I don't know" - really think it through. What would he do?
Would he phone up relatives to come and stay? His parents? Would he pay whatever it took to get employed help? Call an agency for emergency domestic help instead of a long recruitment process? Take the kids to work with him and tell some other employee to mind them? (Does he have any other employees?) Tell a social worker to take the kids into care? Leave the kids alone for days and nights while he works away? Neglect the animals and hope no-one rats him out to the RSPCA?

Once you have worked out what he would do - consider, can you still love a man who does this?

Most of your replies on this post make you out to be helpless - you feel like you can't change anything, and are waiting for him to change.
He won't change.
He won't change a single damn thing until you are gone - either into hospital or you leave him (with or without the kids).
So your choice: leave him, stay and make the changes, or carry on until you are hospitalised.

Note - it is always possible to get paid help, you just have to pay enough. If you advertised for someone to travel to your house in the middle of nowhere to walk the dogs twice a day, feed them and clean them out, but for £30k salary per year, you would get takers.
Same for getting him help in his business - advertise a higher salary. Keep advertising at higher pay rates until you find someone.

It sounds to me like you cannot see the wood for the trees. People are trying to give you advice, and you are so bogged down by all these responsibilities, that you literally can't see a way out.

When someone gets to the end of their tether, they often walk away, leaving their loved ones to deal with the mess they've left in their wake. For example, a person may have got themselves into deep debt, but rather than talking to their family, and asking for help to deal with it, they walk away. Or, they may have committed a crime, feel they can't face prison, so disappear, with no thought whatsoever to the mess they're leaving their family in.

In a way, this is what your husband is doing, he's burying his head in the sand, because he has over committed himself, and has made himself ill by doing so, and then, rather than saying 'I can't do all this, what can I drop' and maybe selling a business, or all businesses, and putting himself in a situation where he can take stock and start over, he has handed over all the problems to you, and walked away to carry on doing the bits he enjoys.

You have now reached the same point, you're over committed, and don't know which way to turn. It seems he won't talk about it, or face up to the problems, so I think your only solution, is to do what he's done, and literally take your children, and walk away.

You say that you've worked hard for a career, which I'm assuming means that you shouldn't have too much trouble starting over. So I think the best thing you can do, is wait until there is enough money in the pot for you to be able to rent a property somewhere that's not rural, so that your teens can become more self reliant, and leave your husband to sort out the mess that he has created. Then file for divorce.

I know that reading this, you will think I am simplifying things too much, but it's because YOU can't see the wood for the trees. I hope this helps.

I suspect you are looking for people who are advertising these services as small businesses.
People who comfortably live the life your DH aspires to employ staff. They are employers, and pay all the employers NI, sick pay, pensions, and everything else that goes with being an employer.
Your DH probably can't afford this. He is trying to live a fantasy life on the cheap, and destroying your health in the process.

Do you have access to the money? Could you go ahead and employ a home help on say 10% above minimum wage for 20 or 30 hours a week, as a proper employee?
I suspect not, because he would hit the roof, because the money is just not there.

You need to cut, cut, cut.
Re-home the dogs and horses. Yes, the DC will cry their eyes out - tough, this is a life lesson.
Stop doing anything for his businesses. Let him sort it. He will probably get ill again - fine. He doesn't care when you are ill.
Let the businesses fail. Let him go into bankruptcy. Let the house be sold so that you all move back to a sensible sized house in a town.

The only other option is divorce
(or carrying on as you are until you are hospitalised).

You have to be "hard" to make a difference to your life. Your DC would be far more devastated if their mother became so seriously unwell she couldn't be a mother any more and was permanently in bed or worse, dead. You are working yourself into the ground and it has to stop. Your health is of greater priority than others feelings.

The dogs have to go. Tell him either he employs someone to do all their care - and this means contacting an agency and sorting it out tomorrow, so they start next Monday - or he has to sell/re-home them. If neither happens, put them in kennels, pay for a week, don't return to collect them. He can pay the bill and deal with the dogs when he returns. If he tries to dump them back on you, do it again. If you can't find a kennels to take them, then yes you'll have to stop feeding them etc and call a welfare charity/RSPCA or something. You're too ill to look after them, they're not your dogs anyway and that's that. The charity will have to speak to DH about them and come to some arrangement with what to do. Just reiterate that you won't be having anything to do with their care at all. Not even for one day "while he finds someone to care for them" because you know damned well he won't and it'll be just words to get the charity to leave him alone.

"The kids have been through enough" and "he'll be nasty if I leave" aren't reasons to stay in an abusive marriage, which is what yours is. Ultimately the only way to stop the abuse is to leave, you already know that. He's currently an absolute bastard to you and you're only getting this nicer version of him because you're sucking it all up and doing what he wants. But you're working yourself into an early grave in the process!

What do you think he'll do when you're permanently disabled with at least one chronic illness and can barely do anything? Yeh, that's right, he'll start by having an affair won't he? Then he'll leave you for someone healthier and more fun, in awe of him and the lifestyle he can provide her, willing to run around and do his bidding because she hasn't yet realised how he'll use her up and spit her out just like he has done to you.

Give the DC an ultimatum too, either they do all care for their ponies or those are being sold too. Ponies aren't a hobby they're a lifestyle. The DC either want that lifestyle or they don't. If all they want is to ride, they can go to an equestrian centre and pay per hour. If that means you can only afford for them to ride once a month then so be it. Issuing an ultimatum will weed out which of your DC actually wants the horsey lifestyle and which isn't all that fussed.

If they go to live in at college or university in later teen years, the pony goes with them into the student riding school section of the place.

It may also be that there's other owners living locally to you who'd welcome one of your competent DC as a part-loaner for their pony, so the DC would have less tasks per week but could ride a few times too and it wouldn't cost much. But only if they can get themselves there and back without your input.

Nothing is going to change in your life (other than your health going downhill) unless you make the changes. There's no magic option whereby everything becomes easier without you challenging him at all. Or without you putting the practicalities of life above your DC wishes. Your needs come before their wants.

In a sentence - you are going to be the most spoilt, privileged wife in the graveyard.

I think too that when you're looking for employees you're looking for the wrong ones.
You don't need "a cleaner, a dog walker, someone to poo-pick the ponies field twice a week, an admin assistant".

You need a housekeeper/mother's help who you can ask to do anything from the cleaning and laundry to the weekly supermarket shop or ferrying the DC around to whatever hobbies they do.

Then you need an equestrian groom who's also willing to do dog care, so you do absolutely nothing with these pets day to day. Someone you can get to do everything from taking a dog to the vets when injured to stacking the barn with the winter hay delivery, as well as all the basic daily tasks including cleaning out and exercising them.

You probably need each of these people for at least 6hrs a day and since they're going to need to be responsible and not have you breathing down their neck micromanaging them or supervising them, you need to pay more than minimum wage.

And lastly you need an office manager type person to help across all the businesses doing whatever needs doing, including standing in for anyone off sick. This is possibly going to be a full time position, or at least 6hrs/day and again, as need to be able to work unsupervised you'll need to pay more than minimum wage.

I suspect you've basically been looking for "something for nothing" which is why you can't find anyone.

Nobody wants to travel any distance to a job that's only for a couple hours, involves doing only the worst/most difficult/out in all the weathers type of tasks and pays a pittance. For a start the wages doesn't cover the travel costs with enough left over to make it worthwhile.

And anyone who's as suitable and as dedicated as you need them to be can easily find a position with more hours. Very few people who want to work, only want to work for a few hours a week. Nobody wants that many multiple jobs because it means you effectively get no time off.

All the holidays are pro-rata as a part time employee so instead of the standard 28 days for full time work, it ends up being 10-15 days allowance depending on hours worked. It's also almost impossible to get all the various jobs to give you the same days off, whether we're talking annual leave or just the two days a week you're not working.

So the reality is, if you have a collection of small jobs a few hours each, you're lucky if you have one day per week where you don't work at all. And you can basically never go on holiday because you can't get time off from them all at once, so your annual leave becomes a few hours less work per day rather than an actual day off from all jobs.

I suspect the OP has been looking at people who advertise services as small businesses, instead of looking for a proper employee (except perhaps for the husband's businesses).
You won't get a self-employed dog walker to travel to the middle of nowhere for a couple of hours. But you could employ someone for a significant amount of hours at a decent salary - if you can afford to be an employer with all the on-costs

Christ on a bike

The dogs HAVE to go

Tell your DH that you are rehoming them and even if he gets them back you will not be doing their care. So they will not be fed or walked unless HE does it. They are HIS dogs what makes him think you should be doing their care?

Do NOT do the admin for his businesses, do not do the recruitment, part of owning a business is finding staff, that’s his job. If he can’t manage his own business then the business has to go. And you all lead a more frugal life as a result. So be it.

Put your bloody foot down!!! Say no! Stop being a slave!

It sounds like he's pissed around and has failed to raise his children, support his wife or provide financially.

You need to draw a hard line as you’re just a skivvy at the moment. Get rid of the dogs and the pony to start and grey rock about this. After this, pull out all of the stops to get a cleaner/home help and someone to help with the business admin. Once all of this is sorted, get your own career back on track - you will need the independence. He can’t stop you doing all of this but it sounds like he will make life difficult for you so start squirrelling away money in an account so you have enough for a deposit and rent for a while to tide you all over in case you end up separating.

It amazes me how often posters like OP want other people to change but refuse to change their own behaviour.

A lot of admin can be done remotely, perhaps you would have better luck with a virtual/remote assistant to take over that side of things? You would have access to more candidates and could streamline/set things up to be more digital if not already.

I think this is a little unfair!

Women are often socialised to prioritise other people’s wellbeing and take one for the team.

And in a relationship where one person is dominant and the main breadwinner, and travelling constantly, the sahp is often stuck in a caring role and doing what is good for everyone else and not necessarily herself, because if they are decent people, they wrongly assume that their dh is equally decent and cares about their happiness as much as he cares about himself and his own career trajectory.

Also, once the earning capacity of the sahp diminishes upon the arrival of dc because their spouse is travelling, it shouldn’t be the case, but their confidence and ability to make decisions unilaterally sometimes diminishes too.

To change your life around in many important ways is a long process and op realising that things can’t continue as they are atm is just the first step. She is also not fully healthy atm; iron deficiency can make you feel very weak at the best of times. Personally I think she needs to get better first and then tackle each issue step by step.

If you have horses and dogs and live rurally I suspect that you live on a large enough property…

Should you not have a full time employee (possibly live in) to assist with dogs and mucking of horses and general stuff around the property?

Part of me wants to say go ahead an have a nervous breakdown so he realises what it's like. However, that is not a wise response!

Anemia is definitely first on the list,

Then a process of working out what you care about and fighting for it. I echo a PP- you have to be "hard (as iron?)" to make a difference to your life.

I see what you mean @Getoutandwalk542 but she's not really going to be able to get better though, unless she changes her life and stops working to the point of exhaustion and putting herself last all the time. All that will happen is what is happening now, one health issue after another, until the day her body packs up functioning properly permanently.

It's also not her first post about this situation I don't think, I'm sure I remember a previous one, possibly when she had her breakdown before. It would seem nothing has changed at all from then.

She's stuck in the "I can't take control over my own life and health because xyz" stage of the thought process, not yet realising that the "xyz" is all complete bullshit. Until she overcomes this she won't be able to make progress.

She's already become ill twice, so goodness knows where she's going to draw the line. I expect too late, when her health deteriorates to the point she's feeling like she's too wrecked to actually leave without help. It's so much harder to move out and rent when you have no ability to work any more.

for me1 dog would be enough to leave

Ok you can get out of this but there is no gain without pain. You need to work out what you are willing to put up with to get what you want. It is clear that your husband isn't going to change. It doesn't matter whether he is being fair to you or not (clearly not) because you have already told him all this and he won't change so let's ditch the idea of getting that to happen. So you are left with:

• Make your own changes regardless of impact

or

• Make smaller changes that will be less impactful and may or may not help you

The big things sound like the animals. Those are jobs that you don't want to do and don't have time to do. That means either the teens / husband take on 100% of the work for their animals (including finding their own paid help if they need to) or you rehome them. This may trigger divorce but it gets you out of the work.

Ditto with office work for your husbands businesses. You don't HAVE TO do it. It might feel that way but you can always say no and mean it. Again there will be fall-out but it might be worth it long term.

The easiest way would possibly be to divorce husband, weather everyone's short term displeasure and long term gain peace.

Small changes might be to keep chasing better treatment for your anemia and get a dog walker for as many walks as possible and try to push back more gently with your husband. I'm not sure how much it will help you though.

Start calmly making a plan to leave. Don't discuss this with him. Look at your finances, see a solicitor. Does your job enable you to survive financially? With the ages of your children - I'm guessing you won't need childcare much longer? They can be happy with a new life where you also have the chance to be happy. You are a person with wants and needs like everyone else - not an appliance existing to support every one else. You can take your time to plan. Again, don't discuss with him.

All good points! I certainly agree with last paragraph that op should be very wary of leaving it so late to leave that she no longer has earning potential.

OP this is why strikes exist. Tell DH you are on strike until he starts taking responsibility for these animals and stepping up as a father. Making money at his business is not his only responsibility. Tell him you are officially on strike and if he doesn’t sort his own shit out it won’t be happening. Put your feet up and stick to it.

Or just leave this using arsehole. He is clearly happy with you being his Bang Maid Secretary. No thanks, no appreciation, no Christmas bonus. That’s just your job. He can pile as much on your plate as he likes because you won’t kick back. You’re the woman, it’s what you have to do. Get a grip, with kindness. Find your bloody anger.