To feel like I can’t do this anymore?

[LittleLapwing]

My H is an entrepreneur. A reasonably successful one though.
He is a workaholic and has to have several projects on the go. He had three businesses currently.
His work takes him away often whilst he goes to check on various businesses, complete projects, check on staff, do CPD.
This means that I’ve raised the children alone, and for a while we lived in his home country which was incredibly isolating. All in all I’ve not had the happiest married life. It’s been lonely and hard work.

The children are now teens/tweens and H expects me to help more with business. I have my own career which I’ve worked really hard for, but which has been completely sidelined as I literally have no childcare.

I have really tried to help with the businesses, but I’m trying to do multiple full time jobs and as a consequence I’m doing them all badly. I am constantly criticised and I just feel a failure.

H barely lives here and does nothing at home. I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, pets (he also collects working spaniels and currently has 6 which I care for), children, housework, bills, life admin, car maintenance. In addition to full time business admin because our secretary left and we haven’t managed to find a new kind yet. I’ve just found out I’m very anaemic too which isn’t helping.
It is draining and I am so envious of my friends who have time in their days.

A big bill has just come in and the cash flow isn’t there because I invoiced something late so it’s my fault.

H tries so hard to make money in order to give us a better life but he doesn’t see the toll it takes on me. I’ve tried to explain many times.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m just exhausted and stressed and worrying about cash flow and a big audit I’ve got coming up and recruiting and the many projects ongoing which I am managing and the staff and that’s even before I get to schools and children and 6 fucking dogs and I don’t know if I’m just weak and this is what it takes to be successful, or if I’ve got a point.

He’s working away so I can’t. The GP said he could give me ADs when I had my breakdown, and gave me sertraline, but he also said that he thought I was having an appropriate stress response to a stressful situation, and recommended talking therapy to help change my life rather than being medicated to not mind it so much. Which viewpoint I agreed with.
I’ve got the sertraline in the cupboard but I don’t want to take it.

I think the very first thing you need to understand to get out of this utter mess and in to a better place, is to understand that he is 💯 not a nice person at all. He is vile. He treats you like a slave, and then gas lights you in to pretending it’s your fault. That is fucking evil. He absolutely knows full well how much you do, of course he does he isn’t an idiot, but he just doesn’t care. I know that’s tough to take on board but I don’t think there’s a route out until you realise that the entire problem is him.

you say you don’t have money, but I think you said you’re married and you have ponies. Yiu have at least half of every single asset either of you own. At least half.

I would be mustering all my energy up as quickly as possible, as I think the longer you take, the harder it will be, to see a solicitor, do some digging, and break free of this goddawful man.

Divorce isn’t failure. On the contrary. It’s success to remove yourself and your children from this shit show.

There isn’t a grown up alive who says ‘thank goodness my parents stayed together so that I could watch my father treat my mother like shit every single day.’

No it won’t. They’re old enough to look after themselves. Have you not seen those memes where the dad comes home to a complete shit show and you say ‘you know that you think I do nothing all day? Well today I did that,’

He absolutely knows full well how much you do, of course he does he isn’t an idiot, but he just doesn’t care. I know that’s tough to take on board but I don’t think there’s a route out until you realise that the entire problem is him.

Yes. This is exactly what I struggle with.

I just can’t believe that anyone could be so horrendously callous. He had a very emotionally abusive childhood, he is depressed but won’t admit it, and he seems completely devoid of any kind of feelings. So I put it down to his childhood and depression.

If I could truly believe that he knows what he’s doing and how badly he’s affecting me, I’d find it easier. But I just can’t or won’t believe that he could be that cruel.

I don’t know why. It’s been proven again and again.

That’s naive op.

you mean you couldn’t be that callous and cruel.

but he can. And is being so.

This is awful OP. Just in case you were still wondering if it was a "you" problem (it isn't), I'll tell you what I do in my life:

• Job (4 days a week, busy job)
• Two kids, who DP helps with
• Two cats
• Housework, which DP helps with

That is plenty for me!!

Things I would not do/have as I don't have time:

• Dogs
• Ponies/horses
• Helping with anyone else's business
• Pretty much anything else

You definitely are expected to do far too much

I simply couldn't live like this.
I can't get past the comment about your breakdown which he ignored.
I would have to leave, I'm sorry.
He sounds awful, sorry you're going through this.

OP, you have wasted your life.
And continue to do so.

Only you can chsnge this.
Who cares what he says zbout you.
You will be free.
Get legsl advice.
Start planning.
Your health sounds on the way out.
When it finally does go, he will be nowhere to be seen.

Wake up before it's too late.

All your posts are focussed on your husband and how in reasonable he is and trying to understand him.
You need to accept that he is never going to change, he will never acknowledge the demands he places on you or how
much work you do.
The good news is that you don’t need him to, his opinion is irrelevant, worthless in fact.
You don’t need his permission to change your life. Stop waiting for it.
Did you ever get the therapy that your GP suggested?

OK. I came very near to tipping over the edge last year, and just about clawed it back.

You know this is an emergency situation - you need to recognise that, and go on emergency-only mode. Only do what is critical, and only for you/kids/animals.

1 - get the iron sorted. I was also anaemic (due to horrendous periods) I started taking iron, and saw a peri-menopause doctor and got ablation/mirena. I'm no longer sleeping 10 hours a night and needing an afternoon nap. It's made a massive, massive difference.
2 - meal rota, meals in the freezer - just do it. The kids will survive for a month on freezer meals - it'll be fine. Get them to zap one for you when they zap one for themselves.
3 - downtime before bed - it feels like you're wasting your time, that you could be doing something, but fixing sleep makes everything more possible.
4 - is the cleaner good? Do you like her? What else can she do for you if so?
5 - no DIY or decorating or anything non-immediately required.
6 - anything you can automate, automate. AI has started to really improve some aspects of my job (I'm in IT management) - but I appreciate that means you need time to watch videos/set stuff up.
7 - and this one's important - stop doing anything that's just for him - if you're doing his washing/ironing/tax returns/his car MOT just hand it to him. (this was the beginning of the end of my relationship when I did this 6 years ago, but it was necessary)
8 - don't go back to overloading yourself when you start to feel a little bit better - you need to get this well under control and then slowly re-introduce (ideally once you've got some automation in so the things you do are faster)

Did you ever get the therapy that your GP suggested?

Yes and it saved my life. It gave me the strength to tell H that I couldn’t live next door to his abusive family any more and that I was leaving, and hoped he would come.
He did come, but only because he was offered a fantastic business opportunity in the area I wanted to move to.

@LittleLapwing you say you can’t, but what would happen if (god forbid) something happen to you that landed you in hospital- or even more removed?

Your body and your mind are both protesting that you can’t carry on like this. Reading your posts I honestly think that what you absolutely cannot do is carry on as normal. This will come to a head if you do and you may find your choices are taken away by circumstances. I had a breakdown, it was horrendous, it left me vulnerable to another one. I am sure you are in the same position and you know what it’s like. I urge you to do something drastic. Please, while you still can.

Massive hugs. He is a total tosser. It doesnt matter what he thinks he is doing really, because it's unsustainable either way. You deserve better and it is not too late. You clearly have skills in abundance if you can juggle the stuff you are having to do!

I would seriously think about separation and divorce. Him causing you to have a nervous breakdown would be the last straw.

I think I’m finally going to have to speak to a solicitor this time. I can feel myself sinking again. I can’t have another breakdown.

Spaniels are a pita generally anyway especially working ones! 6 of them?! What work do they actually do?!

You’ve got this. Big un-MNetty hug from me.

Thank you. I just keep clinging to that alternate existence where I say ‘I’m struggling’ and he says ‘I’ll help you’ or ‘you’re doing well.’

But I think I need to accept it’s not going to happen.

Op you have trapped yourself into a cycle of despair and you need to build your way out of it

and that means escaping him and all your responsibilities

your life is the only one you can control and change

and it’s heartbreaking and you have invested so much

but that makes you who you are now

nothing in life is wasted even if with hindsight you might have done things differently

Please do this op. You can do it. You have to do it. You get one life. You must do it.

You are being horrendously abused OP which is why you are so beaten down.

Contact Women's Aid for help and support.
Go back to your GP and request further help. It might be more counselling or a social prescriber or a blood test to check your iron and Vit B12 levels. But even they have said you are being abused if you actually listened to what they said. Look up local DA charities on your council's website.

In the meantime collate all financial information. Find out how much house equity you have and start investigating living elsewhere. Start understanding the reality that the ponies and dogs will have to rehomed otherwise you will be leaving them to be abused and neglected. You know he will as he has already done that. Sure the children will be upset (who wouldn't) but I'm sure they would rather their mother didn't have another breakdown or become too ill physically to look after them. You are coming to the crossroads of your children or the animals.

If I could truly believe that he knows what he’s doing and how badly he’s affecting me, I’d find it easier. But I just can’t or won’t believe that he could be that cruel.
Google Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - and you'll find a free pdf to download. It opened my eyes.

You simply have to stand up for yourself.
My parents divorced,it wasn't the end of the world
No one with any sense has 6 dogs ...,I don't understand why you didn't say no to them all.or at least say no each time he got another..I guess you were to worn down to fight him ..I understand
But fight you must
You must fight for your mental health.
Personally,if you love him ,I'd have one last go at getting him to make the changes you need ..
Or actually..thinking as I write ...
In your shoes ,it sounds like you have access to money ..
I'd book myself in somewhere,to heal
Like a retreat,a health retreat
Before you have another breakdown book in to somewhere private and sort yourself out ,
Leave him to juggle everything
I don't know how old your kids are ,but if they can ride motorbikes they can walk dogs and feed themselves
So that's what I'd do ,book myself in somewhere for a month or maybe two .
Cross whatever bridge that brings after
I'd probably still divorce him as well tbh

Oh my goodness @LittleLapwing I sympathise so much with what you are going through. I have been there!! My DH couldn’t see all the invisible work I did either. We ran a business together, he started this business just after I had given birth to DC2, prior to this we were both in professional roles. It was never the plan for me to work in the business but it became necessary. It was a 7 day a week business, so I was working every day along with caring for a young baby, doing all the school stuff for older DC, as well as doing everything in and for the house.

As the business grew so did his ego, along with our stress levels. Everything became what HE did, how HE built all this, how we wouldn’t have any of it if it wasn’t for HIM. It was f*cking insufferable, no amount of pointing out what I did would make any difference. He was talking down to me, treating me badly, telling me I was always wrong. If got the point I was a nervous wreck, I was so anxious and stressed, I lost any belief I had in myself or my skills. I went from being a confident competent adult, to questioning absolutely everything wondering if I was wrong. I was a shadow of my former self, and to be honest while I am recovered now I will never be the same.

Eventually I got the point that I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I would never ever have hurt myself, would never ever have leave my children, but I was so exhausted and fragile I just wanted to not exist anymore. After a while of feeling like this and realising it wasn’t going to change unless I changed it I made a plan to leave.

Leaving felt impossible, fraught with fear and anxiety and even though I felt it would be devastating for the children but I knew I had to do it and so I did.

I wrote all of that because I want you to understand that I do get it, I do understand the impossibility of all, the exhaustion, the fear, the weight of the responsibility for everything that rests on your shoulders, but as scary and a shitty as all of this is it’s still you that has to change things if you want this to stop, to be different. Trust me, I understand how unfair that feels, that yet again it’s just another thing to do, another responsibility laid at your feet, and how frightening it is to even just consider making that decision and taking those steps but what other choice have you got? You can stay until this breaks you mentally, physically, emotionally or you can leave, both are hard but at least one gives an opportunity to live a better life, a life you choose and under your own control.

Sending you the biggest of hugs 💐

Hiya, I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling right now. Some of the things you said are really relatable for me and my ex partner, who I’ve only very recently managed to become completely free of. Firstly re. the sertraline, I know you can end up feeling like it’s a cop out. It really isn’t, it’s an emotional crutch that can really help you get clarity because your emotions aren’t as overwhelming. I know they can seem scary, and like they aren’t a solution. They aren’t, but I did find that they helped me to focus on the issues at hand, and in my case, kept me steady enough to plan my escape.
I’d also say, for now, perhaps try not living too far ahead in your mind, as that can cause your thinking to spiral.

Are there some steps, any steps, no matter how small, that you could explore to assess your options? Whilst it’s very easy to say ‘leave him’, in practice, it isn’t easy so please don’t beat yourself up. One little step at a time to see what is out there. Have you contacted women’s aid? Have you anyone you can talk to? Where in the world are you?

you aren’t alone. You will be amazed at your own strength, but please just take one step at a time.

my inbox is open if you need a chat x