Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

It doesn't matter.
He lied to you. Repeatedly. For a year.
Circumstances around that lie don't matter. His feelings about that don't matter. Not now. Not while you are processing.
Maybe, down the line you can all sit down together and talk about it. But right now, he needs to respect your wishes. He did a selfish thing by having and affair and he is doing a selfish thing now by disrespecting your space.

That's just too bad really and not your problem. You will never get him out again if you let him stay.

Why is this your issue ? He cheaters on you the worse way . He needs to find solace to stay . Not your responsibility , you should own getting STD checked and worried how this will impact your kids , not with a lying cheater

Actually, this should be can he afford a hotel?

Only a physical attraction? FFS seriously, as if that makes cheating and betrayal any better!!

So he fucked up his marriage and family for 'just a physical attraction'. Grim.

He could go to hell as far as I'd be concerned. He certainly wouldn't be coming back home.

Tell him to make up some lie to his parents as to why he needs to stay - he's well practiced in lying so I'm sure it won't be hard.

Yes, he doesn’t want to alarm his parents = he doesn’t want to tell them what he’s done.

TS! It’s not your fault or your problem.

I'm so sorry. This must be devastating.

Personally I'd let him sort out his own Christmas. It's his decisions and actions that have put him in this position. It's not your issue to sort out.

Have you got a spare room he can stay in, and just say to the kids ‘dad feels poorly’.

If you are married and the house is mortgaged, not rented, you likely can’t legally chuck him out/change locks etc if he doesn’t agree to go, as it is still his house too. Hopefully he will see the sense in so doing and go quietly for the kids sake. I’m so sorry you are going through this op.

Eurgh, what a disgusting pig - I’m so sorry.

Do you have family you could stay with over Christmas without going into too much detail over the nature of what’s happened (unless you want to?) and he stay in the house?
that way you’re not on your own and be kept busy, and he can join for bits of Christmas for the kids sake.

Not an ideal situation at all and I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this position - again it’s us women who have to deal with being s**t on time again by men and still have to sort everything out for our children’s sakes.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially a week before Christmas!
If this was me I would give him two options, stay in a hotel and come round for dinner, or if he can’t afford it or there is nothing available, allow him to stay in the spare room but make it clear to him that he is not moving back in and that it’s all on your terms. He’s the one who’s messed up so you’re well within your rights to make the rules!
You clearly have a good heart because even though he’s done this you care about him still.
Maybe sit down when the kids are in bed and discuss how the moving out process it going to work, he doesn’t deserve it he deserves to be kicked to the curb but sometimes we have to push our pride to the side and be the bigger person, it’s hard but you’ll get your good karma for being a good person.
Please don’t feel like a bad person if you decide him staying with you is too much, he’s turned not only your life upside down but your children’s as well, and he’s had a year to consider all of this, he needs to face the consequences!
I hope that you and your kids have the best Christmas you can possibly have

I’m shocked you haven’t sent an explosive text to his parents yet. I probably would have in a rage.

Dh will be staying at yours since his been shagging Barry from the pub. Merry Christmas.

Yuck. Sorry OP, what a shocker that must be right before Christmas.

But no, what he’s suggesting is absolutely not ok - he doesn’t get to play happy families “for the kids sake” and have a cosy, family Christmas with everyone pretending after what he’s done.

Id be so disgusted I wouldn’t be able to look at him never mind put on some sort of act over Christmas when you must be struggling so much.

Please tell someone close to you, don’t deal with this alone.

This.

You'd be in a genuine dilemma if it was a case of staying at yours or sleeping rough. But he has access to an empty familiar house, and doesn't want to take it because he doesn't want to look bad in front of mummy and daddy? Fuck that. They're going to find out soon so why not now, if it makes your life easier? That's literally the least you can do and he should consider himself very lucky that you (1) let him stay briefly (2) haven't told his parents/everyone yet and (3) are going to let him see the children at Christmas

Pathetic coward.
The very least he owes you is space to process the pain he's caused you, to respect your boundaries while you do that.
And he doesn't want to upset his parents?!!
He can tell them whatever he wants but he'll have to ask if he can stay at theirs, because sleeping at the "family" home isn't an option. And why spend money on a hotel when his parents have an empty home he can use?
He's going to have to tell them at some point that the marriage is over. He might as well do it now.

God what an awful situation op I’m so sorry. I agree with others he can stay in a hotel.

Quite.

Quite. Why should you be nice? If he’s agreed to leave the house, keep him out short term. Can’t he go to his parents, he doesn’t need to give the full story, but has a neighbour got a spare key?

Have him call his parents and say he has come down with norovirus or flu and wants to stay in their house to avoid spreading it to everyone.

Tough shit if his parents ask questions. He's just trying to hide what a piece of shit he is from his family.

How old are your kids? I would possibly allow him over for dinner but there's no way I would want him under the same roof.

It's just disgusting he's lost his family and he's not even with the person he cheated on you with. What an idiot.

No I absolutely wouldn't put him in spare room. I wouldn't put myself through that and would be unfair on the dcs too and confuse them

So do his parents have an empty house somewhere where he could stay?

I would say - well they are going to find out everyone is eventually and I will not be silenced - I will tell them when I’m ready and I want to. Right now where you stay is not my problem - you’ve lied and cheated on me your wife and your entire family so don’t give a pity parade or any issues to solve. This is your circus and your monkeys - see ya

Don’t let him back, he will never leave. He needs to find somewhere else to go.