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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

434 replies

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:11

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

OP posts:
Purlant · 21/12/2025 20:12

Can you afford for him to stay in a hotel?

SJone0101 · 21/12/2025 20:12

He needs to find somewhere else to stay!

What a double whammy! Affair plus gay is hard to digest.

greenwithglee · 21/12/2025 20:13

Tell him to go to a Travelodge. If you're feeling generous he can stop by for lunch on Christmas day and then fuck off again.

Why can't he stay with him, or did the idiot trash his marriage for someone who was just a meaningless shag?

icantgetnosheep1 · 21/12/2025 20:14

Tell him to stay with his parents or find someone else he can stay with.. you’ll never get rid of him otherwise. By all means come over on Christmas Day but this really isn’t your problem.. he needs to sort himself out!

Myfridgeiscool · 21/12/2025 20:14

Has he got family he can stay with?
I'm in awe at how composed you are OP, what a shock that must have been.

RessicaJabbit · 21/12/2025 20:14

He's not your problem.

Does he not have parents or siblings?

CountFucula · 21/12/2025 20:14

How awful for you. I think you should prioritise yourself as well as the kids.
Does he have family he can go to? It’s ok to say no if it would be too difficult, could you compromise and have him there for some of the day? The children will be happier if you are happier.

DrAmanitaPhalloides · 21/12/2025 20:17

He needs to find a longterm solution.
Maybe him and boyfriend move in somewhere together. Although it's not your problem to solve.

Lampshadeblue · 21/12/2025 20:17

Honestly, this is so raw and unforgivable, I think him staying with you is too much to put yourself through and has potential for emotions to run too high on Christmas Day. I also fear that if he comes back he wont want to move out again and will claim he has no where else to go in order to try to guilt trip you into putting up with it. He can find somewhere else to stay and can see the children during an agreed time frame. That way you know you only have to keep it together for a limited number of hours. I’m so sorry he has done this to you xx

Catza · 21/12/2025 20:18

I'd be inclined to invite him to lunch with kids and then he can fuck off and stay with his boyfriend.

Original poster
Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:20

His parents are abroad, they spend every winter away. Realistically, he can’t join them at this point.

To someone who said I seem calm. I don’t think I’ve processed it at all yet. Still feels numb.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 21/12/2025 20:22

Not your problem where he stays. Tell him to let you know when he’s stable and what his plan is for Xmas asap.

He didn’t need to have an affair. He chose to.

Gustavo1 · 21/12/2025 20:22

Where he stays isn’t your problem. It isn’t fair to have him with you whilst you process what has happened. The most generous thing I would do is have him for lunch but even that would be a stretch after such a betrayal.
mum so sorry for you OP.

tryingtobesogood · 21/12/2025 20:23

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:20

His parents are abroad, they spend every winter away. Realistically, he can’t join them at this point.

To someone who said I seem calm. I don’t think I’ve processed it at all yet. Still feels numb.

Do his parents have a home here? Can he go and stay there? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. He’s blown your life apart, not you. Do please think about what is right for you and your children and what is going to help you have as close to a nice Christmas as you can.

you are allowed to put you first. I hope you manage to have a good Christmas

blankcanvas3 · 21/12/2025 20:23

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:20

His parents are abroad, they spend every winter away. Realistically, he can’t join them at this point.

To someone who said I seem calm. I don’t think I’ve processed it at all yet. Still feels numb.

Can he stay in his parent’s house?

I’ll probably be the only one to say this, but tbh I would let him stay if there were no other options, with a firm date that he has to leave by e.g. 26th or 27th

greenwithglee · 21/12/2025 20:24

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:20

His parents are abroad, they spend every winter away. Realistically, he can’t join them at this point.

To someone who said I seem calm. I don’t think I’ve processed it at all yet. Still feels numb.

With all kindness, it is not your problem to sort out. If you were his wife or his partner then yes, but he lost the privilege of having a wife sort out his messes when he cheated on you.

Original poster
Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

blankcanvas3 · 21/12/2025 20:23

Can he stay in his parent’s house?

I’ll probably be the only one to say this, but tbh I would let him stay if there were no other options, with a firm date that he has to leave by e.g. 26th or 27th

Show quote history

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

OP posts:
Chersfrozenface · 21/12/2025 20:25

greenwithglee · 21/12/2025 20:13

Tell him to go to a Travelodge. If you're feeling generous he can stop by for lunch on Christmas day and then fuck off again.

Why can't he stay with him, or did the idiot trash his marriage for someone who was just a meaningless shag?

Edited

Travelodges are pretty cheap at Christmas. You can get 5 nights for less than £200 in my city, starting tomorrow night.

TheatricalLife · 21/12/2025 20:26

You reap what you sow.
He needs to find something else. What isn't your problem, he can find something himself. I'd probably let him come for the kids present opening and lunch for the sake of the children but aside from that, perhaps he can ring the person he's been shagging for a year and they can find something together.

blankcanvas3 · 21/12/2025 20:26

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

Show quote history

Ah, difficult. Well if you don’t want him at your house it’ll have to be a hotel. If you have a joint account transfer your money out of there so he can’t use it for the hotel x

Didimum · 21/12/2025 20:27

How old are your children? Hotel or he gets access to his empty parents’ place.

buymeflowers · 21/12/2025 20:31

This is truly horrific OP. Poor you. Ruthlessly put your peace first. None of this is your problem to solve. The best I’d do is facilitate some kind of contact with the kids but to be honest I’d probably be suggesting he has a segment of time with them and their toys while you go for a walk or something. I wouldn’t have him at my table and I wouldn’t be housing him unless legally I had to. He wasn’t thinking of them or you when he was having his affair. His boyfriend can have him. And him not wanting to arouse his parent’s suspicions is just laughable.

Drivinghomeforchristmas25 · 21/12/2025 20:33

An affair and he’s homosexual? Well. I’d say he has been extremely….resourceful in hiding that from you, so I suggest he utilises some of that resourcefulness now and finds somewhere to stay.
And he can’t tell his parents? He expects you to hide this from them? Oh no op, absolutely not.
And yes, I’m sure he wants to see the DC for Xmas, wants to have family time blah blah. He should have thought about that before he did what he did. Where he stays is no longer your concern.

DrCoconut · 21/12/2025 20:33

I discovered what my ex had been up to on 22 Dec. His parents were on the way from the other side of the country to spend Christmas with us. It was a horrific few days and he actually spent some of it sleeping rough until his parents paid for a hotel room for a bit. It's not your problem where he goes, though if he owns the house he may have the right to be there if he pushes it. If you can afford it get proper advice ASAP and then call the shots within what you are legally allowed to do. You will get over this and have better Christmases but it doesn't seem like it at the time.

greenwithglee · 21/12/2025 20:33

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

Show quote history

when he says these kind of things to you, you just keep repeating "that's unfortunate, but it isn't my problem to solve, you lost the right to my support when you had an affair" each time he comes back with an excuse you just tell him again " its not my problem to solve."