Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

Don’t ask Mumsnet for permission- do exactly what feels right for you. You could do what he’s asking and get the trial that is Xmas out of the way.

OR as I think many on here will say, you could insist he only comes for presents or lunch.

personally I would tell my children daddy is working and he’s going to take you out/do a special day at home (without you) on Boxing Day. Don’t start too amicable, next year will be worse.
Tell absolutely everyone the truth and hold you head high.

If you don't want him staying then where he stays is his problem OP. He has an option of his parents. If he doesn't want to use that option then that's on him.

Airbnb. Sykes. Haven. The list is endless. I would not consider letting him stay but, I suppose legally he can if he wants to if you both own the house.

Claiming there was no "emotional affair" is irrelevant. He's attracted to men. He won't give thst side of his sexuality up.

You're not ruining the kids Christmas though are you? He's done that.

You're making their Christmas the best it can be without their dad there.

He absolutely cannot stay with you.

He has tried claiming that he has given it up. Said because we got together so young (not that young, about 25/26!) he didn’t have the chance to experiment before settling down.

That’s bullshite, stop listening to this liar coming up with cliche excuses.

Nah ,say sexually experimenting from age 15 he had nearly ten years to see if he preferred Arthur to Martha.
More lies.

Shagging another man for a year isn't experimenting.

Exactly. Everyone spouting off here seem to be ignoring the fact that he has as much legal right to stay in the house as the OO does.

it’s tough but the law doesn’t care about the emotional stuff

I was in a similar situation. Found out my husband was having an affair just before Christmas. Our son was newborn so luckily he didn't know what Christmas was and I took him to stay at my parents house for two weeks to make sure I was well enough (I was distraught and heartbroken) to care for him and breastfeed him. I let my ex stay in the family home while I was away which was a big mistake as when I got back he refused to leave, got violent and police were involved. Set your boundaries now and stick with them, it will benefit your children in the long term.

Not really. It’s as much his house

He’s full of shit. Tell him to find a Travel Lodge.

I doubt he was going to tell you about this affair 'after Christmas' if he had no plans to leave you. It sounds like he wanted to have both the secret life and the family life, and is now trying to manipulate you into thinking it's all your fault the game is up. He can stay in a hotel, it's not your problem anymore.

Prioritise yourself and your children. You don’t have to play happy families.

You can't stop him living in his own house. You can't change the locks

I'm assuming the house is jointly owned/rented

I'd tell him he needs to find somewhere, or you'll ask his parents if you can use their house while they're away - but you will be telling them why. (That doesn't have to be outing him, just "can me and DC stay at your house? H has been having an affair and I don't want DC around the current atmosphere, but he won't leave")

Also, make an appointment for a sexual health check.

I’m not well up on the modern terminology but isn’t this Gaslighting ? If you wait around a few minutes OP, it’ll all be your fault won’t it ?

He had a post-Christmas plan so he can implement that now.

This is so awful for you
legally, despite the cheating, he has as much right to be in the marital home as you do though so be careful how you word things to him, as soon as he talks to a lawyer he’ll be advised to move back in to help him with finances and also to ensure you’re not the sole caregiver , which would give him a greater claim to 5050 childcare

Get a sti test

Ps advice up thread threatening to tell all if he doesn’t stay out of the house - that is black mail, potentially a hate crime and potentially considered emotional abusive so don’t do that (especially not in writing!)

Suggesting Blackmail? This is criminal offence, bad advice to op

I feel as though I haven’t had much sexual experience before getting married…so you know what? BEFORE we got married we talked about it with a view to me being able to explore this within our marriage. Because I’m a mature adult! I’m not hiding any affairs anywhere. What a dick.

That's bull, I got with my OH at 22 and haven't been having lesbian sex behind his back.