Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

@Lisawr

He doesn't want to upset his parents by telling them he's a cheat and you've shown him the door? Diddums. He certainly wasn't worried about upsetting you when he cheated, was he? No, he was not! Tell him to face up to the consequences of his own behaviour and ask his parents to stay there. His father may be in poor health but he's bound to find out the truth so it may as well be now.

Do not let him back in. You run the risk of him refusing to leave. You don't want to have to live in the same house with him.

I know this is so new, but it's imperative that you seek legal advice. Doing so doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything', it's just educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed. Write down a 'snapshot' of family finances (incomes, expenses, assets) to show a solicitor so they may better answer your questions. It may not be cheap, but good legal advice is worth its weight in gold. Trust me, I know!!!

That rubbish ,he doesn't want them to know he's fucked his marriage by having an affair and a gay one at that.
Nothing to do with anyone's health
Still looking out for number one.
Utterly selfish bastard.

Legally if he is listed on the mortgage /part owns the house he can insist on staying there, you won’t be able to change locks/throw him out.
In your shoes I would be contacting his parents and explaining that he’s had an affair (up to you if you mention specific details) and needs somewhere to stay if he won’t go to a hotel.
It is not your job to smooth over his path when he has been creeping around having sex with anyone regardless of their gender. If the affair was caused by sexual attraction unless you were aware he was bisexual he has not been honest during your entire relationship. He didn’t just wake up randomly one day and fancy a bloke, he has known this about himself for a long time, which makes the whole situation even worse IMO, you haven’t ‘just’ been betrayed you’ve been conned as well.
For me there would be no coming back from this, if he insists on staying in the house as he is legally entitled I would be seeking legal advice asap and start the process of separating asap.

I agree with pretty much of all the comments above. He's been a bastard by disrespecting the family unit. YOU and your family are the priority. Do what you have to do, but have no regrets.

He's the one who should be looking for somewhere else to reside, not you having this added pressure.

Good luck.

The second he gets any kind of legal advice (whether from a friend, a solicitor or even chatGPT) he'll realise he has the right to move back in.

So, may be time for calmer discussions ... maybe early in 2026.

I agree. It’s emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty about telling his parents. There will never be a “right time” to tell them, so he needs to do it and go to their house. I can’t believe he is manipulating you in so many ways!!! “Don’t ruin the kids’ Christmas” “Don’t kill my dad” when it is all his doing?!

He needs to tell his parents. Then come over on Christmas day (for the kids).

If his parents are away then their place must be empty? Could he go there? I definitely don’t think he should expect to stay with you.

He needs to tell his mum, then she can choose whether to tell his dad or not. He can then stay at their home. His behaviour is not your responsibility. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Legally he can live in the house of course as in the eyes of the law, he owns half of it. Morally it’s a horrible for you to have to absorb this and live with him. He should just tell his parents you’re having marital problems and he will explain when they are home. Clearly he will want to avoid doing that but lets face it, people are going to find out. So sorry this is happening. So awful.

I’m afraid I would say he can tell his parents whatever he wants and stay there or alternatively I could tell PIL the whole sordid truth and he can still stay there.

It's not your issue really he choose to cheat and do this

If he planned to tell you after Christmas, that implies that he has an escape plan prepared. Tell him to bring it forward and use it. You’ll never get him out of the spare room and he’ll live out of it like a teenage lodger, coming and going as he pleases while you look after the house and the kids.

Pretty awkward if you are both named in the tenancy / mortgage / deeds. I also think he might refuse to leave once you let him in, they get less apologetic once they realise it’s over. Although (and this is awful but what he did is awful) you do have a smoking gun in that I doubt he’s ready for everyone to know he’s been shagging a man just yet. I would push back if you can.

Parents' house or he can fork out for a hotel. Lunch on the day with you and the kids if you can bear it.

Just to say that him spending money for a hotel is basically spending YOUR and your children's money, when it comes to dividing assets. Fine if you think that's the best use of your joint money.

He’s an adult. He’s made his choices,

Now he needs to deal with them.

You have your children and yourself to worry about.

Do what’s best for you. Like he has done.

It’s difficult for us strangers not to go completely knee jerk here OP. However, I think him being more concerned about upsetting his parents when he has turned your and your children’s lives upside down and inside out is the action of a complete bastard.

My only suggestion is to be as strong as you can be and tell him that he will not be staying to play happy families and he needs to man up and tell his parents (honestly) why he needs to stay at their house, and if he doesn’t you will.

If you cave in and let him back to play happy families he’ll use that wedge.

I’d say very very firmly that if he didn’t want to alarm his parents or spoil Christmas for his kids maybe he shouldn’t have been fucking other people and he can tell his mum and stay at his parents or I can tell his mum and say I’m kicking him out and he won’t like at all what I have to say about him. He isn’t working very hard to show you he’s sorry is he?

This.

And I don’t want to add to your load…but one thing that sometimes gets overlooked after someone has been cheating is sexual health. Please get checked out.

Cheeky bastard, drops that bombshell on you, but tells you he doesnt want to worry his parents? I'd laugh if it wasn't so horrific. He goes to his parent's place. He can tell them what he bloody wants, clearly he's a good liar. Why should family money be used for a hotel? If you can stomach it, let him come early to do presents and Christmas day but ONLY for the sake of the kids, assuming they are old enough to notice he's not there? Then Xmas night, as soon as they are in bed, show him the door. Make sure you get support IRL ❤

Presumably he owns half the house / his name is on the tenancy. If this is the case then you can't keep him out of the house if he doesn't want to go.

For the sake of the children I'd let him stay in the spare room for Christmas and then in the new year take steps to legally separate / move etc.

Which is probably the most important of the many reasons you shouldn’t let him stay. You need time and space to process all of this at your own pace. He hasn’t been truthful about his sexuality, he’s put your health at risk from his infidelity and you’ve had to hear the truth from someone else. That’s an awful lot to deal with OP. I really feel for you.

Don’t let him back.

How you behave now will set the tone for the rest of your new relationship.

The precise words you need are “This is not my problem, I am sure you’ll think of something.”

I think he’s trying to get back into the house to be on his best behaviour over christmas, in the hope that he will wear you down so you’ll give things another chance “for the kids” until his head is turned again.

He could go to his parents and tell
them you’re just having a bit of space surely. And personally if you’ve got young kids better to make the break now rather than have him back, then gone again.

Longer term of course you need a plan but for the time being you need space on your own with your kids. He will have to reap what he has sown.

In the minority here but I’d be inclined, given the sparse choices you have, to let him stay on the sofa/spare room, despite the terrible burden this will be on you. I don’t underestimate how hard this will be, and continue to look at plan b options, especially how soon he can go elsewhere. If he said you’d a leak/broken boiler in your house, and needed to stay at his parents, would that be a way to not alarm them but get you out of the fix?