Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

OP - I have read your post about him going away - your H is just morally bankrupt. Rather than trying to spend the next few days apologising for turning your life upside down and requesting time with his children over Christmas, he has once again put his own needs first. All those messages on here advising you not to let him back or refusing him Christmas Dinner were in vain as he obviously has had a better offer from his Gay/Bi/Open relationship couples. I think that he is being a real CF to say he is not contactable. He is still the father of your children and should be contactable always, in the event of an emergency. I do not want to add any distress to your already ongoing nightmare, but I had a few male friends who were gay, but one pair were really outrageous as both went out, sometimes separately, sometimes together, trawling nightclubs and choosing the roughest looking bloke they could find (usually straight) and would offer money for the bloke to go back to their house for sex. I was really shocked when they told me and I must say it rather put me off them. Being Gay did not bother me at all, but the fact of what they did actually do with the men, which I don't wish to talk about except to say that they seemed to go further every time they picked up a bloke - they went into detail, which I won't, suffice to say I stopped seeing them as much as I used to. I'm glad you are getting a check up for HIV/Hepatitis/STI as the risk is really high and some of them inject drugs - sexual stimulants and may share needles . Those particular friends both died of Aids and quite a few other of my friends from 70s, 80s and 90s have died since. Another friend I had who was single living in London, kept me entertained with his antics and I was in stitches sometimes as his stories were so funny. He wrote twice a week and I always worried about him picking up a serial killer as he was so promiscuous. Unfortunately a lot of Gay men are promiscuous. I know loads of single men and some in relationships can sleep around. Straight men can be unfaithful I know, but I have had loads of male Gay friends and they just did not seem to think sleeping around was a big deal. A few I knew were faithful but they were in their 50s, 60s so may have got any fantasies out of their system and they tended to stick with the same partner. I'm only telling you this in the event he tried to wear you down with pleas of it was something he had to get out of his system and it is you he really loves. It is up to you what you decide to do but personally, and only my pov, he won't change as the risky sex is too big a deal for him to give up. I'm so sorry and just hope you can get through the next few days and then you can decide what legal route is the best for you. Take care.

I would try and find out if any of the gatherings he has attended have been Chemsex parties. These can go on for days.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

This sounds awful, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and do hope you have some RL support.

In the meantime, I would recommend getting your thread moved to the relationship board.

I've been thinking about this through the night and I don't even know you, I'm just so sorry this has happened to you and your children.
I actually don't agree with some others though that he's had legal advice, he was crying to you a few hours ago and I don't believe for one second he planned to tell you at all. I think he would have just carried on in secret with various men so I don't actually believe he intended for divorce and to leave you. I think the loss of control and the fact you haven't sobbed and begged for him back has made him desperate and finally having to face what he's about to lose so he is trying to frighten you. The fact he's told you he will be two hours away on Christmas Day and uncontactable hasn't put the fear of god into you like he expected, and it's made him realise that maybe people don't worship the ground he walks on as much as he thinks so he's pissed off.
The checklist of things is there... the the title of the email 'divorce', then the threatening of taking the children 50/50, the threat of taking your house, all of these things are the most important things to you so he's using them to gain some power back.
Give him absolutely nothing, no emotion, no conversation, go silent. He will try with his next tactic, likely on Christmas Day when he's on his own in a hotel room feeling desperate, but you've got everyone you need on Christmas Day so turn your phone off. Don't give him a scrap of power!! X

Why would she be paying for his hotel?

I agree with others who say either give no response to his email or a very brief acknowledgement: “Noted. I will respond in the new year”. Give him absolutely nothing more than that. He’s trying to intimidate you because he is scared he’s going to lose everything. And so he should be. Be unemotional and factual with him. Don’t give him any indication that you are devastated, distressed, worried or anxious. Be cool, calm and collected with him. If your work has access to free counselling then arrange some sessions in the new year just as an opportunity to talk things through with someone and for your own support.

Now is the time to look after yourself and don’t give him another thought. Every time you think of him, redirect that energy to yourself.

He’s a bloody idiot but, worse than that, he is a bloody mess. You don’t need this idiot in your life. He is going to launch from disaster to disaster now. You don’t have to be part of his ongoing crises. Focus on you. Years from now you will be very glad you did 💐

Well most people I know share finances as a married couple, so any expense like this would affect them both equally.

Well, he can ask for all that, but the Family Court will decide. And you get to say what you want.

Sounds like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it with demanding 50/50 care of DC. Has he always been hands on? Does he do 50% of the household work, mental labour, and childcare/raising his DC?

Don’t even respond. Let him stew. Get professional advice.

If you must respond, only ask your solicitor to contact him to ask for his solicitors details.

I would respond 'I acknowledge receipt of your email, further communication will be in due course'. Keep it very business like and cordial. Put nothing in writing to him that paints you in any negative light. Your husband can demand what he likes, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen! Seek legal advice asap. Your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Keep your cards very close to your chest. Start telling family/friends, because you are going to need emotional support at the very least. Don't cover for him, as hard as it may be, be honest about the real reason why you're divorcing. Keep all communication between you and the other wife. It's proof of his cheating with a man and his swinging activities.

He’s got some nerve! Agree with all other posters. Get some proper legal advice. The audacity of him!

Very good advice for OP.

Why even bother? Just follow the legal comms route.

@Lisawr

Sorry, I haven't RTFT. Have quickly gone through your posts. I am so, so sorry this has happened to you, especially right before Christmas.

There are lots of people who have been through similar experiences and who can offer incredible support in this situation. Do contact the group below if/when you feel able. Christmas is a particularly difficult time for people at all stages of finding out the partner they believed to be straight isn't, and there will be plenty of people around to offer support over Christmas.

In my experience, it's a rare person who can stay with their partner after discovering what you have.

Look after yourself first. Just do whatever works for you to get you and your DC through the next few days.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

Just a note - the first thing so many people ask in this situation is some variation of "did you have any idea he was bi/gay?"

Completely understand why that comes to mind, but most of us who have been through it hate that question. I felt stupid enough as it was without everyone else asking me if I really had no idea. It implies it was my fault I was in that situation because I hadn't realised my H was gay rather than because he'd lied to my face for twenty years.

This exactly.

The kids won’t have a ‘primary residence’. I hate it when people start using quasi legal terminology in emails. If he wanted it to be amicable, making veiled threats about having the kids the majority of the time is not it. What a twat.

It’s useful, he has told you what he wants. and that he isn’t going to be friendly.

He could possibly buy you out of the house, but he’ll need to provide you with a home of equal value. The courts don’t like big disparities in living standards, so if most of the money is in the house, it will need to be split equally- you’ll both have to downside.

Is he an employee or self employed?

Seriously? Have you never had a nasty shock in all your life? Or were you able to immediately put all of your emotions to one side to think about long term implications? If you were, then good for you, but you’re being really bloody unfair to this poor woman.

There are any number of reasons why someone might react in anger and then change their mind, none of which are financial. Have you even considered trauma bonding? Or the fact that she might be completely without support in any form? That’s a really cruel thing to say.

Sending you strength and love xx

I'm wondering what Family Court might make of awarding even 50% custody to a man who's conducting a very dodgy, slightly dangerous private life.

But that's just monogamous old lesbian me wondering...

I’d give no response at this point. By all means let him email you but until Christmas is out the way and you have some sort of legal advice say absolutely nothing in response. Good job you didn’t let him back in the house - I suspect he’d had made that very difficult and wouldn’t have left! This has clearly been going on a while and sadly coming back from this isn’t an option. Don’t hide what he’s done - not your sh*t show, that’s all on him. Bargaining with the kids is the classic first tactic! Ignore it, submerge yourself in getting through the next couple of days then get a very good solicitor.

Because if she doesn’t confirm she’s received it and that she’ll respond after she’s had an opportunity to obtain legal advice, that might prompt him to get in touch and ask her if she’s read it and what she thinks about it. She doesn’t need that pressure so it keeps him and his pathetic, whining demands at bay until after the Christmas period.

It's ridiculous advice telling her to just completely ignore him. They are married with children, they still have to navigate a divorce and coparenting. Acknowledging his email is really a minor ask in the grand scheme of things!

Do not reply.
Get a solicitor in the new year. Ignore his demands for now let the solicitor fight for you.

I can see why this would be angering. Its almost as though he gets a subtle pass from lying cheating and endangering with diseases because he was gay. Instead of being allowed to be angry and pissed you are expected to conduct some self reflection. Fuck that!

@Lisawr

I agree w/PPs that you should acknowledge his email with the thought that if you don't he may be prompted to 'go official'. I think I'd say "Noted. I will respond in due course". That doesn't give any specific time frame.

And get yourself to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. I know this is a bad time for appointments, but I would try and keep trying until I found one who has openings next week or the week after.

You need to be in full 'protect my assets' mode. He certainly is and he's shown that he has no scruples. You cannot trust him to 'play fair'. He's guilty as hell and like most guilty people, they'll make themselves feel innocent by becoming angry and turning themselves in to 'the victim'. The focus of his anger will be you and is usually followed by the need to 'punish' the person they know they've wronged. Why? Because you are living proof of their 'sins' and a reproach to their actions.

In the meantime, you need to be copying any- and everything you can get your hands on regarding finances. Copy/print online financial statements & records and scour the house for paper documents. He's gone for now, so now's the time to do it. Locate all vital records (birth, marriage, passports). Then get all these documents OUT of the house if you can. Ask a trusted friend or relative to keep them for you. If you can't get them out of the house, hide them as best you can. If you have joint banking, consider moving half into your sole name. If you have any income of your own going to a joint account, open a sole account and have it go there.

And I'll pass this on from personal experience. I'm currently undergoing a legal separation. My attorney told me that if I was going to 'make any financial moves' to do it before any legal papers are filed as once things 'get official' you usually aren't allowed to make any changes. I was able to take half of our joint account and open my own before I filed legal papers. And it's a good thing because he cleaned that account out, not knowing I'd already moved half. I was also able to remove him and name my children as beneficiaries on non-community assets as well as close a joint credit card. There are other assets I couldn't do anything about, but I protected what I could.

I know you're devastated, I know you're hurting. But right now you can't afford that. Right now you need to channel every emotion into action. Protect yourself. Protect your children. There will be time later to grieve, I promise you.