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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

434 replies

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:11

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

OP posts:
Sleepsto5anta · 21/12/2025 21:28

I agree with the PPs who say don't let him back in - he can stay in his parents house and be their problem when they get back. I know a couple who split after he had an affair, he didn't move out till divorce settled but used to bring other women back sometimes - so don't expect your ex to behave decently.

If his parents don't have a ring doorbell he can just go to stay without telling them, if he wants to wait till after Christmas. If they would know he was in the house- or he doesn't want to stay in theirs without telling them, he can tell them you've been arguing and having some space. He can keep the bombshell that he's been cheating for a year till after Xmas if he wants.

Don't expect him to be decent in the split. The fact that he's saying it was just physical makes it sound like he's already downplaying what he did, he'll start to blame you for being so unreasonable as to kick him out, so I think you get him out now, and let him come around on Christmas day.

This is an awful thing to happen, so sorry.

roastedrapidly · 21/12/2025 21:29

Absolutely not, protect yourself. He is selfish and will manipulate to get his way. Yes, this is sad for the kids that's a reality...that's his doing.

AffableApple · 21/12/2025 21:30

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

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Health concerns of your FIL are not going to improve in the near future. But in the very near future you are going to be separating and eventually divorcing. It's no odds knowing now, or in a couple of weeks' time. Seasonal guilt is also not your business: Your PIL's loss of festive fun is not your circus, not your monkeys. That's your husband's fault.

Yes, he can legally stay at your shared house, but given what's happened - you won't, will you, soon-to-be-ex DH?

CherrieTomaties · 21/12/2025 21:31

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

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Oh boohoo for him, he should have thought about that before he betrayed you!

Kick him out. Kick this scumbag piece of shit OUT! Please. For your own sake.

It’s not your problem where he goes. Please don’t let him guilt trip you into letting him stay in the house. He doesn’t deserve any type of kindness or help from you.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 21:32

LVhandbagsatdawn · 21/12/2025 21:21

Presumably he owns half the house / his name is on the tenancy. If this is the case then you can't keep him out of the house if he doesn't want to go.

For the sake of the children I'd let him stay in the spare room for Christmas and then in the new year take steps to legally separate / move etc.

OP can apply to the courts for an emergency occupation order to compel him to leave. While adultery isn’t a reason for issuing such an order, if he’s been having unprotected gay sex with another partner for a year without telling the OP he’s put her health at risk and the courts will consider whether he represents an ongoing risk to her or any children resident in the house.

CherrieTomaties · 21/12/2025 21:32

Also please get an STI test. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. 💐

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/12/2025 21:34

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

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That's just bollocks...
he knows it (and you know it).

it makes zero difference if he does it on the phone now or in 4 weeks.
news is news.
Fil's health condition isnt changing anytime soon and he is well enough to travel abroad....

"Dave you need to tell them your marriage is ending and you need somewhere to stay so can can you pop to theirs for Christmas. If you dont or wont... I will call them and they can contact you after. You cannot stay in this house."

Agree with others this man isnt your friend and dont expect him to be fair or decent in the divorce.

Hes betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible and is massively minimising already

LVhandbagsatdawn · 21/12/2025 21:36

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 21:32

OP can apply to the courts for an emergency occupation order to compel him to leave. While adultery isn’t a reason for issuing such an order, if he’s been having unprotected gay sex with another partner for a year without telling the OP he’s put her health at risk and the courts will consider whether he represents an ongoing risk to her or any children resident in the house.

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That really isn't going to happen unless there is actual evidence he's a danger to OP / the children, which there isn't.

Therefore there is nothing OP can do to keep him out of the house - presuming he owns half of it / is on the tenancy.

If he is refusing to go, then the only options available to OP are to leave with the kids (not a good option I'd suggest) or to get through the next week.

MeinKraft · 21/12/2025 21:37

Sounds like a him problem.

21secondstopassthemic · 21/12/2025 21:40

Please don't listen to the posters advising you to kick him to the kerb or send him to his parents. What he has done is abhorrent, but regardless of this, you cannot kick somebody out of a home that they jointly own or change the locks. I would request that he remains in the spare room until a plan is made and you have gone through the correct channels. If Christmas is being celebrated in your home, you cannot really do anything other than allow him to be present. Can you go elsewhere?

Incelebration · 21/12/2025 21:42

Myfridgeiscool · 21/12/2025 20:14

Has he got family he can stay with?
I'm in awe at how composed you are OP, what a shock that must have been.

I don't think you can really tell how composed someone is from a post on Mumsnet.

Derbee · 21/12/2025 21:42

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

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How touching to show such concern for his parents. Where was the concern for the children who have had their family torn apart? Or for the woman who committed to marriage with him?

I’d be inclined to call and ask them myself. Say he needs somewhere to stay, as things haven’t worked out with the man he was having an affair with. May as well come from you. I wouldn’t let him walk around feeing like a noble protector. I’d prefer everyone (his parents included) know that he’s a cheating bastard.

So sorry this has happened to you.

WilfredsPies · 21/12/2025 21:42

Tell him he can lie to his parents and tell them your house has been flooded if he wants to, so they don’t worry. He shouldn’t have a problem lying to his nearest and dearest, should he?

I wouldn’t let him come for Christmas Day. Mostly because the children are going to be very confused if he appears and then vanishes again. You’ll end up being guilt tripped into letting him stay for their sake. Plus it’ll be horrendous for you. Lastly, once he’s back in, he might decide he’s not going anywhere. You don’t want that. Obviously he has a legal right, so you can’t stop him if he’s adamant that’s what he’s going to do, but I would tell him that I would have zero guilt about phoning his parents and then announcing to the world what he’s been doing and with whom. It doesn’t mean you actually have to do that. But he doesn’t know that.

Crazybigtoe · 21/12/2025 21:45

How old are your children? If they are super young, they may not remember their dad being around or not for Christmas. A bit older and they might. So it may it may not matter if he is around.

Could you go somewhere else for Christmas? IE decamp to stay with family (and get support).

I would also get advice this week- get . Ask around your friends for any divorce lawyer recommendations.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2025 21:45

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 21:32

OP can apply to the courts for an emergency occupation order to compel him to leave. While adultery isn’t a reason for issuing such an order, if he’s been having unprotected gay sex with another partner for a year without telling the OP he’s put her health at risk and the courts will consider whether he represents an ongoing risk to her or any children resident in the house.

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FFS this is complete and utter bullshit.
Occupation orders are for people who are actually being abused not cheated on.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2025 21:47

21secondstopassthemic · 21/12/2025 21:40

Please don't listen to the posters advising you to kick him to the kerb or send him to his parents. What he has done is abhorrent, but regardless of this, you cannot kick somebody out of a home that they jointly own or change the locks. I would request that he remains in the spare room until a plan is made and you have gone through the correct channels. If Christmas is being celebrated in your home, you cannot really do anything other than allow him to be present. Can you go elsewhere?

Why on earth are you saying the OP should go elsewhere, and when he's the one who cheated - plus he actually does have somewhere to go! He just doesn't want to. Well, tough.

He's already left btw, so it's not about kicking him out - it's about not agreeing to let him back. If he was refusing to leave in the first place, it would be different.

StopBothering · 21/12/2025 21:49

Absolutely not.

He made his choices when he decided his dick needed to go into someone else.

This is NOT your problem OP, and the children will be fine.

Don't be manipulated.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 21:49

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2025 21:45

FFS this is complete and utter bullshit.
Occupation orders are for people who are actually being abused not cheated on.

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They are for those whose partners are considered to be a risk if allowed to stay in the marital home.

Notmymarmosets · 21/12/2025 21:49

Obviously he will come back if wants to op. I'm sure you know this. Unless you have sole tenancy or mortgage. So you might as well make it amicable. He's an absolute arse though.

LVhandbagsatdawn · 21/12/2025 21:50

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2025 21:47

Why on earth are you saying the OP should go elsewhere, and when he's the one who cheated - plus he actually does have somewhere to go! He just doesn't want to. Well, tough.

He's already left btw, so it's not about kicking him out - it's about not agreeing to let him back. If he was refusing to leave in the first place, it would be different.

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The problem is that OP has no grounds to refuse to let him back in and if he's so inclined he can legally force entry to the house (assuming he's part owner or a joint tenant).

I know it's tempting to say "change the locks, kick him out, refuse him entry", but you can't legally deny someone access to their property.

fashionqueen0123 · 21/12/2025 21:50

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

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When is he planning on alarming them? It’s now or at some point. Not your issue anyway! How would they know he was there if they’re away? He could just say your boiler broke or something if he needed

cooksbrandedclock · 21/12/2025 21:52

What self-centered, selfish, grubby and sordid behaviour on his part. What kind of person betrays his children and wife in this way?! The ONLY person he cares about is himself and his actions, of over a year, confirm that. His behaviour was a conscious and repeated action. He now reaps the consequences of his choices.

Your priority now must be the children because he has proved he cares nothing. Your other priority is yourself. You certainly need a full sexual health screen, as a matter of urgency. They already know daddy is ‘working away’. Only you will know what language to use, to explain age appropriately, that daddy will not be living here any more.

What he does now is up to him, but you have no responsibility to house him. He is an adult who is capable of making his own arrangements. Leave him to it, and let him dry his own self-pitying tears as he remembers each sordid encounter.

Get your anger on, take strength from it, and accept nothing less than what you and the children need to move forward.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2025 21:56

LVhandbagsatdawn · 21/12/2025 21:50

The problem is that OP has no grounds to refuse to let him back in and if he's so inclined he can legally force entry to the house (assuming he's part owner or a joint tenant).

I know it's tempting to say "change the locks, kick him out, refuse him entry", but you can't legally deny someone access to their property.

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I haven't advised the OP to do any of those things.

Legally he can insist on returning but for now he's asking her permission and she is within her rights to say no. If she says no and he returns anyway, she can't stop him, but it's not actually got to that point yet.

Cyclebabble · 21/12/2025 21:57

Hi OP I am a slightly older mumsnetter. From experience what he is about to do is to try some serious gaslighting. Something along the lines of, he was not really gay. It was only short term thing. He really loves you etc. This of course will be rubbish, but he will be looking to get inside your head. In reality if you fall for the lies, he will be off again when he finds another playmate. He needs to find somewhere else to go over Christmas. He cannot expect you to keep up the pretence with the children. Such a pretence would be exhausting. Take legal advice ASAP and agree that close relatives must be told. For the avoidance of any doubt this must include that he has had an affair and that it was with a man. You can agree a joint statement, but if he will not do this, do it for him. I would also get some counselling early on in the new year. This has the potential to have a significant mental health impact.

Fernsrus · 21/12/2025 21:58

However if he does come back for Xmas, he’ll be difficult to get rid of again.