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Original poster

Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

434 replies

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:11

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Xmasxrackers · 22/12/2025 21:26

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

Wow he’s put some thought into that! OP don’t do anything right now. You need time to process this. The fact that he’s not even going to contact his children on Christmas Day to me speaks volumes

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 21:27

Time to see a solicitor I think. I guess that'll be after Christmas at this point. It sounds like he has been to see one.

I would acknowledge his email but don't agree to anything or even comment on it. So he wants to be resident parent? How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:29

IsThisLifeNow · 22/12/2025 21:27

Time to see a solicitor I think. I guess that'll be after Christmas at this point. It sounds like he has been to see one.

I would acknowledge his email but don't agree to anything or even comment on it. So he wants to be resident parent? How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

Edited

I’d hate not seeing them all the time but I don’t know if I’d have a choice? He has as much rights as me I assume. Yes he has definitely spoken to someone, that much is clear.

OP posts:
Itwasallyellow2 · 22/12/2025 21:29

Oh OP, you don’t have to reply to this email. In fact, if I were you I would say nothing at all. However I would be making an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible and let legal advice guide my actions.

Take control of the situation by only replying to him when you are ready and have sought advice. He cannot and must not dictate what you do next. The ball is in your court so take your time.

Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:32

I haven’t replied - wouldn’t know where to begin.

OP posts:
Whatnodule · 22/12/2025 21:33

I am so sorry this has all happened and especially just before Christmas.
definitely take legal advice before responding.
he is also trying to control the situation and is almost gaslighting you with telling you to “behave like adults…” completely trying to downplay this all

Gingercar · 22/12/2025 21:36

Well he’s back on his feet with a vengeance, isn’t he! I said he wouldn’t feel bad for long.
Of course youre blind sided. How could you not be. He’s as heartless as they come. What you do now is get a good team of friends and family around you. Tell them everything, lean on them. And get yourself some good legal advice. What he states he is expecting does not mean he is going to get it. You are the children’s stability. You are what’s best for them. He’s not even bothering to see them at Xmas - their first Xmas since your split and he’s dumping them for a better offer already. Don’t reply. Try to find out about his swinging etc from the other wife and gather up as much information re finances etc as you can. He’s already proven himself to be selfish as he can be. You owe him nothing! Heck I’d even consider ringing his parents on Xmas day with the kids and letting slip that he’s buggered off.

bigboykitty · 22/12/2025 21:37

Don't reply. This bastard has been planning and preparing. You need your own legal advice ASAP. No need to panic though (easy for me to say). His expectations are completely unreasonable, so don't think that's the starting point for negotiations. He wants to scare you. Let him wait. When you've sorted a solicitor, let him know it will be dealt with legally. Nothing more. What a cunt. I'm so sorry x

ismiledather · 22/12/2025 21:39

@Lamsji8372

He can't write emails saying what he likes but none of it you have to agree to.

LlttledrummergirI · 22/12/2025 21:41

I would thank him for laying out his wishes, pointing out that despite dropping this bombshell on you a couple of days ago he appears to have given his needs some thought. I would then firmly say that you will be seeking legal advice on the best way forward for the dc, and have no desire to discuss anything while it is still raw. He
will need to wait before throwing you out of your home and moving his boyfriend in.

In the meantime the current arrangements would appear to be the best thing for the dc as they maintain the status quo. Remind him that they are used to him not being there due to his frequent work trips (that match the dates he saw his boyfriend). Tell him he is welcome to call the dc on Christmas day between x time (that suits you) but other than that, you do not want any contact until x date in the New Year that suits you.

If i was in your shoes he could fuck right off. He cheated, and destroyed your marriage. He doesn't get to call the shots.

I suspect you are probably in shock still, but find your anger, cold calculating fury with a slow boil for the long haul rather than short and explosive will help get you through.

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 21:42

Don’t responded till you have legal advice his trying to go for main residential parent. He wants the family home but want it to remain the children’s main home.

Get your paperwork together and all
proof you can if you being the main care giver. See if the other poor wife’s husband can get you evidence of him Financing any of this men’s trips.

inickedthisname · 22/12/2025 21:42

It’s amazing how quickly they can change once the mask drops. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have anything new to add. Just as others have said - gather everyone around you that can offer support and get legal advice.

Itwasallyellow2 · 22/12/2025 21:43

Whatnodule · 22/12/2025 21:33

I am so sorry this has all happened and especially just before Christmas.
definitely take legal advice before responding.
he is also trying to control the situation and is almost gaslighting you with telling you to “behave like adults…” completely trying to downplay this all

Yes, exactly this. He is starting to change the narrative as though he is of exemplary character and capable of being a mature adult. Fact is, you know the truth: he is weak. He has likely sought advice in order to be in control of what comes next but the important thing to remember OP is that he can’t actually control everything in this situation. You can get advice and support too and you will have choices about your future.

This man is a liar and a cheat. He is weak. Remember that!

Raggededges · 22/12/2025 21:44

He's played god with your health OP. I really hope you get the all clear. Unforgivable.
I'd also tell his parents.
I know the timing is awful but that woman has done you a massive favour. He would never have told you.
I hope you have good friends to lean on.

HipHopDontYouStop · 22/12/2025 21:44

Yes. Don’t respond until you have legal advice

mjf981 · 22/12/2025 21:45

Man that email would hurt. I'm so sorry.

I'd be telling his parents through text. F him. If he wants to play hard and cold and factual ('like adults') then lay out the facts of what has happened and tell people.

SwingTheMonkey · 22/12/2025 21:46

I have to say, I think by this point I’d be letting his parents know he’d left the family home because he’d been having an affair with another man.

Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:46

BettysRoasties · 22/12/2025 21:42

Don’t responded till you have legal advice his trying to go for main residential parent. He wants the family home but want it to remain the children’s main home.

Get your paperwork together and all
proof you can if you being the main care giver. See if the other poor wife’s husband can get you evidence of him Financing any of this men’s trips.

She has (politely) asked earlier tonight that we stop contacting each other as her H will not be happy if he finds out she’s speaking to me. She says she’s told me everything she knows and that she wants to leave her own H but is financially reliant on him and so thinks she will need to make it work. Which makes me feel very sad for her.

OP posts:
Raggededges · 22/12/2025 21:49

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

Just no. He doesn't get to decide how and when you communicate now, what a fucking cheek.. I would message him back on WhatsApp saying you would prefer no communication and all emails will be deleted unread.

LeBonBon · 22/12/2025 21:54

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 21:23

He has WhatsApp’d me to ask communication is via email and asked me to check my account.

He has sent a long, ‘officially’ worded email to me titled Divorce and set out a list of ‘demands’ which includes the fact he wants equally custody of the children and to buy me out of the house which will remain their ‘primary residence’. He does earn more money and expects a sizeable inheritance within the next 12-24 months given his fathers health situation. He makes no reference to what has happened and says he wants an amicable divorce for the kids’ sake and for us to behave like adults.

I am completely blindsided. I have no idea what to do.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's told a good friend or even his parents a pack of lies about why you are splitting up and they've advised him to start the proceedings. No way has he been honest.

I just can't understand how someone can blow up their entire lives and then act so coldly immediately after. He's got an absolute nerve asking for radio silence over Christmas whilst also demanding 50/50! Just unreal

MissDoubleU · 22/12/2025 21:57

Shut down all communication until you’ve spoken to a solicitor. You need legal advice. The fact he’s trying to set the rules and asking you to behave like an adult is laughable. He’s trying to control you and do damage control.

MissDoubleU · 22/12/2025 21:59

Also keep all the evidence of the affair and make sure you speak to your own family and they know the truth.

Hol9191 · 22/12/2025 22:04

This screams someone who has lost control of everything in their life so now is turning nasty.
He was happy to keep playing the married man for the last year, happy to be intimate with you, happy to keep his dirty little secret then all of a sudden, boyfriend's wife has found out, he's lost the boyfriend and it seems he's going to remain with his wife, he's then lost his own family and he's suddenly realised that all of this actually wasn't worth it. He's gained nothing but lost everything therefore he's decided to try gain back some control and turn nasty.
Ignore his email, try enjoy your Christmas with your kids, seek legal advice but wait for the court papers. Let's face it, if he cared enough about those kids he wouldn't have torn their life apart so brutally and definitely wouldn't be happy to not speak to them on Christmas Day so he definitely doesn't want them 50/50..It's hard to make sense of it but he can't handle blaming himself for the distruction so he's coming for you now to try and hurt you. Keep your head held high, you haven't done anything wrong. If you're forced into a position to have to say something I would respond every single time and say 'contact me through your solicitor' and nothing more. If he wants to spend thousands to hurt you then let him but don't be bullied by a weasel of a 'man' that's got absolutely nothing to show for all of this at the end of it. X

Mix56 · 22/12/2025 22:12

He has had advice from someone. He wants everything by mail so there is a paper trail.
50/50 is the standard “get out of any financial contribution card”
If he goes away for work frequently he will not be able to do 50/50
Realistically who does the parenting ? Including, school runs, clubs, doctors & dentists, birthday partys, homework?
He has already fucked off to an undefined destination & says he wont be calling his DC over Christmas.
He has already hung himself re the 50/50 adult amicable divorce