Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

I'd let him stay in the spare room for the children for a limited period of time to get through Christmas and then tell the children/families. You will need to coparent with him for what sounds like a long time.

I think in situations like this often men tried to be something they weren't due to societal pressures. He should not have cheated on you, that was wrong but I also think he has probably felt immense shame at who he is and that carries some extra compassion I think.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and your children. I wish you the very best.

I'm so angry on your behalf. The total disregard for your health is unfathomably selfish and disgusting. Everything crossed for you that all is ok.

Absolutely not your problem - what did he expect when he did what he did. Invent a sick relative that Daddy has to care for or a cancelled flight if needs be, do what you need to do to create memories with your kids and get through it. He should have thought through the consequences before he acted. Not. Your. Problem.

So sorry OP, I really feel for you. Sounds like something from a bygone era when gay sex was illegal. I don't understand men who still get into marriages with women and children and do this when they can freely be themselves. Very sad.

I'm furious and disgusted that he's put your health at risk.

I'd say the affair ended badly because your H has probably gone behind his back with someone else (another man) and they've fallen out. Might be who he is staying with.

The fact that he has said he's uncontactable over Christmas when he's got children is another kick in the teeth. Horrible spineless idiot.

But they have a house they're not currently in?

Tell him to grow a pair.

What nonsense excuses.

Tell him to tell them a lie if he doesn't want to tell the truth to them.

And what about upsetting you? This is all his problem to solve, and if his parents house is empty then the logical solution is for him to live there for a while. If alarming them factored into his thinking, then he should have thought about that before having an affair.

'Societal pressures' was an excuse 20-30 years ago. Not now.

ETA: so no, he does not deserve any compassion at all.

Either he is bisexual, and this is just an affair like any other, or he is gay and he has exploited the OP.

Omg what a horrible shock for you at such an awful time. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I echo other posters' suggestions, he needs to book a hotel. His accommodation isn't your problem to solve - he wasn't thinking about that when he was cheating on you with another married man.

If you're feeling generous and believe it'll benefit the kids without being too painful for you, you could allow him to come for Christmas dinner but you'd be being VERY selfless and big to do so. I'm not sure I'd have the strength! Especially if the kids think he's already working away. Try and centre your wants and needs in this too. Ofc you need to think of the children but it's your H who's done the damage, not you, so a lot of the fallout and "solutions" need to be on him. How is he going to mitigate the chaos he's caused? How is he going to support this change in the children's lives?

You will get through this. It's going to be horrible for a while but you will absolutely get through it. Let yourself mourn and process it on your terms - it's a terrible betrayal and a huge shock. I'm so sorry for you.

So pleased you’ve confirmed this as with every update I was thinking I hope she saw my earlier comment! And the more recent ones. It sounds so fucking seedy and I can’t believe how he’s behaving, leaving his kids and not being contactable. Total prick.

He’s trying to scare you into seeing what it will be like without him. He’s hoping you’ll be terrified by his rejection of you and the children for a few days. He’s not just a cheat. He’s also an abuser and an emotional blackmailer. You have more going on than the fact hes had an affair and I hope the what he’s done with the other man shines a lot of light on the rest of him and your life together. You will be well out of this even if you don’t see that right now.

He's such a shit - you were worried about the kids missing him for Christmas, he's happy to piss off. At least it sounds like he won't be looking to move back in.

You're being incredibly strong about this - have you talked to a solicitor yet? Might ne an idea to at least getban appointment arranged, as seemingly there's a spike in seperations after Christmas.

He's a lying shit bag - you did nothing whatsoever to deserve this. Make sure you can get as much as you can to support your kids in the divorce settlement.

That his affair partner is still in his family home is shocking - I think hus wife was right to tell you, but she's blown up your life just before Christmas, while pretending to her kids/family that everything is OK with her marriage.

I am so sorry OP.
He is scum. He's put your health at risk by 'experimenting' not just with one man but with several.

I'd have told his parents exactly what he has been up too. In fact I'd probably message all his friends too.
Please tell your family, you need support through this.

Just read your other posts so realise my suggestions are moot!

Really glad you're getting checked out, hope it all goes well and he's not been even more disrespectful in that arena.

I'm also glad he's not going to be there and has taken the decision out of your hands so you're not having to make that tough call.

Oh god so he wasn’t just shagging Barry it was the a whole group of people.

Like cool but not when you’re in a closed monogamous marriage.

The amount of risks he has taken health wise then also been spending family money on these men and using annual leave. Like that’s not a well it’s been an itch because we got together young, not that that would be an acceptable either but still.

Thats a whole gay scene swapping sharing joining in. Cottaging no doubt. Ah man.

Was there any signs he was bisexual and a swinger? Or is it just as much of a shock as the affair?

Yes and I don’t think it was clear from my previous posts but some of the couple stuff involved straight couples too so I’m told. I haven’t put this to him and don’t know if I want to just yet.

None at all. And I know people will say ‘just think and there’ll be something’ but I really can’t clutch at even the smallest of straws.

Read the update @Lisawr I'm really really sorry you are going through this. It must be such a shock. Under circumstances like that I'd too want him to leave pronto. I'm really sorry.

So basically he is a bisexual solo swinger and third in threesomes.

but most of all he is a big fat fucking cheater.

and yes his likely staying at one those peoples houses as they are a scene and he will be “one of them” so they will take him in as their own.

And all only possible because he took you for granted and assumed you would look after the children.

This is so much more than curiosity. Hes been sexual with other people, men and women. Hes been with this other man presenting him as a partner. The lies involved in this were staggering. He was NEVER going to tell you. He was going to keep spending family time and money on sex parties. Keep risking your health.

I wouldnt bother confronting him. He wont be honest. Id just divorce him. He cant give you closure on this, nothing he will say is something you can understand and he lost access to your understanding when he behaved like this

I’m so sorry @Lisawr the ‘didn’t get to experiment’ is utter bollocks. What stands out to me is how careless of your safety he has been (intimacy with multiple partners, higher risk). So selfish. Then has the nerve to ask to stay ‘for the sake of the kids’ errr no, don’t let him emotionally blackmail you over this - the nerve of the man!

Because he deliberately hid this from you so he could get away with both lifestyles. Even now he’s telling you he loves you and just never got the opportunity to explore male lovers as a young man. You’ve now learned he isn’t telling you he‘s also been swinging with women. He is making excuses to hold onto power. He’s actually a victim, he couldn’t stop himself.

Next time you confront him he will be suicidal or saying he’s learned he is a sex addict and none of it is his fault. But it is. He made these decisions, he deceived you. He knew it was wrong but he did not love and respect you enough to leave you or be honest with you. He endangered you with reckless sex with who knows how many meaning you couldn’t possibly protect yourself.

This man does not deserve your sympathy or compassion. You deserve sympathy and compassion. You deserve support. His choice to abandon you is a deliberate one to scare you. You need to hold your ground and tell him you’re glad he’s keeping his distance and that he should continue to do so.

I also think it’s very important you lean on family for support. There is no shame for you in what he’s done. Don’t keep his secret for him. Speak to someone close to you about this.

Christ what a shock then. An affair and cheating is a body blow to find out he’s also bisexual, it’d with a man and he’s a swinger, all together, I don’t know how you’re still standing. 💐